always (posing with) the bridesmaid(s)...

...but unfortunately never (with) the bride!

tama ba namang hindi pala kami nagpakuha ng pic with the bride on my digicam? :)

best wishes, sheila! and long live our barkada! :)

you'll never know how much you pierce my spirit

For Jowi. It still gives me the jitters when something happens to me and just when I 'm about to collect my thoughts and type them on a post, I read your blog and it's all written there.


Last Cigarette (Hewerdine / Clark / MacColl)

The moon in the morning
Is watching the rain turn to snow
And outside my window
Sometimes the rain
Falls harder than you'll ever know
Sometimes the things that you love in the night
The morning will choose to forget
This is my last
My last cigarette
This is my last
Last cigarette

I have a habit that I have been trying to lose
Everyone thinks that they know what they want
But sometime your drug chooses you
There are some things that I've promised myself
Things that I haven't done yet
This is my last,
Last cigarette
This is my last
Last cigarette
Last cigarette

Sometimes the people we love in the night
The morning will choose to forget
This is my last,
Last cigarette
This is my last
Last cigarette
This is my last
Last cigarette

*****

Ok, that's over. But what the hell, I might as well get some other stuff out here, too. di naman lahat pareho :)

I had my share of ghosts this week after different trips to the past. The first was the ghost of Christine past, the one who dutifully prayed the Rosary (with the Litany of the Blessed Mother) every day. I used to think I had such a great obligation to humanity -- I honestly believed that the world would be fine only if I prayed the Rosary at least once a day, and that things would go wrong if I didn't. I stopped the habit in the late nineties and that's when the Asian Crisis occurred and I got into UP. kebs. i'm not blaming UP though. :)

And so it happened that my great-aunt passed away two years ago and I was tasked by the family to lead in praying the Rosary every Nov 1 at the cemetery and during Holy Thursday at the Pabasa, since I was the only one who had enough patience to memorize the Litany. Now my mother still believes I kept the habit and I never made an effort to update her lest she think I've become an atheist like those UP kids (hahaha what a joke), the reason being it's always an advantage to be looked upon as the nice pious daughter (which I believe I still am sometimes -- with much emphasis on "some") so I could be trusted by my parents and my friends' parents who use me as an alibi (wahahaha).

The trouble is every year I'm beginning to forget. My heart beats wildly at the beginning of the Apostle's Creed while I'm struggling to remember every title Mother Mary had; heck, I don't even know the Mysteries of Light! Buti nga yung ibang misteryo alam ko pa kaso ngayon magulo na kung kelan kasi kasama na sa pagbibilang ng araw yung Mysteries of Light na yan! And after the Hail Holy Queen has been prayed, I find myself staring into oblivion and reciting the Litany as if in a trance...and it didn't help that my Tita has this habit of saying "Pray for us" automatically kahit hindi pa ako tapos. panicpanicpanicpanic! Fortunately nasa long-term memory ko pa rin naman yung Litany pero feeling ko umiikli na siya kasi nakakalimutan ko na yung iba, and one of these days I'll lose it completely...and when that day comes, my mom will surely get into a "you don't pray enough" sermon -- the kind my siblings hear -- and she will be crushed. Pakiramdam kasi ng nanay ko ako lang ang nakakaintindi sa kanya at sa sense of religiosity niya...and I wouldn't want her to feel alone in her prayerful life. So, the closed Catholic child in me haunts me every time I'm asked to lead the meditation of the beads.

She followed me to the second reunion party I had with my former choirmates as we celebrated the 10 years of our parish youth council last friday. A priest friend whom I knew since his freshman year at the seminary was there (who incidentally became our assistant parish priest this year), and asked me to go back to helping the new choir develop some sort of formation and commitment he saw in me and our old group. Sabi ko hindi ko na yata magagawa yon para sa kanila; besides, they're getting better every year. I handled that choir for 8 years and I never got them to sing more than two voices; now they're downloading pieces using Noteworthy and actually learning to read notes.

It was also at this party where I encountered another ghost. Funny I never really thought he'd show up again but he did. He was there the last time (which was a feat by itself) and now he's back. With a cigarette and a plastic cup of red wine waiting for me. I didn't hesitate and I pulled him out of the group and we hung out with 2 more of our old friends for a smoke. I asked him if he missed me. Of course he said yes; he always spoke the words I wanted to hear -- only this time I was careful not to believe too much (or is it that I don't care at all if it were true or not?). Around 1am while we were still gulping beers I asked to go ahead of them (I gave my sister permission to stay as her boyfriend was there to bring her home naman). Our gracious doctor hostess led me to the gate and he trotted along to bid me goodnight with a polite beso. And so I left with a smile -- but not looking back nor waiting for a chance to be alone with him -- as I was off to a few hours of sleep before I would drive to V Luna in the morning and take P home with me.

time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'...

...into the future. and right back to reality! AAAHHH!!! work starts anew!

another long weekend has flown by with nothing much happening but too many things planned -- though i must say 3 unplanned events made up for it in terms of personal gratification but they aren't really worth talking about. to those planned events i failed to show up for or didn't even materialize, my apologies. (now my problem is which barkada reunion i'll be setting up or going to in the next long weekend!)

at least nakatulog rin ako for the most part of that vacation. kaso what i hate is all saints' day being at the tailend of this break and being the most tiring day at that. imagine going to 2 cemeteries, spending at least 4 hours on each (not counting travel time) which means we'll be up by 6am and reach home by 8pm. and i am still not sleeping to prepare for this day!!!!

* * * * * *

was driving with my sister to hangad practice last week and we chanced upon a remake of Seal's Crazy and I couldn't believe my ears -- it was Alanis Morissette! The one thought in my head was which cd it was available because I know all her albums bear all-original tacks (save for jagged little pill acoustic which is a 10th year tribute to her first -- and best -- album to date) and I felt soooo frustrated because it was a good cover, true to the original but still having that glen ballard drive that sounds so familiar it almost seemed like a follow-up to You Oughta Know...I know I'm blabbing too much but I'm really an alanis fan and it's my blog anyway so shut your eyes if you don't want to read on. More on Jagged Little Pill...

...it was such a treat to have the new acoustic album of JLP and revisit the songs after a decade. At 15, I was close to emailing Alanis and telling her how her songs in the debut release of JLP have helped me during my teen years of angst and repressing improprieties...suffice to say that was probably her point in releasing those compositions to the public and I guess millions of 15-21 year-old schoolgirls had the same awakening as I.

The acoustic versions have a feel of "Been there, done that" (or is it more like "Been there, f*** that, how could I have been so stupid" hahaha), and of course given the "unplugged" feel it sounds more relaxed; yet alanis' previously released mtv unplugged album of some of her songs back in 2000 didn't sound like this at all. Methinks it's because she's too old to do the things she used to (we've got Avril Lavigne to cover pretty much of that) and she's happy with Ryan Reynolds so there's no bitter aftertaste to the tracks.

i know we're cool

I wasn't supposed to go to this party but i suddenly found myself texting old pals and inviting them to join me last friday. Sure enough, I got to invite at least 2 to keep me company in an otherwise adolescent crowd -- or so I thought. I figured I'd stay for 2 hours tops, unless elaine would be super late (which she was, by the way).

In the midst of the surge of text messages and hi-hellos from each table, I felt the hand of a friend's mother tapping me on the shoulder and I gave her a peck on the cheek. She then went on to present her son to me who instinctively beso-ed me as well. I was surprised out of my wits to see this guy whom i lost touch with for over a year now -- and even more surprised at myself for acting so normally ("normally" being friendly). All of a sudden it was 2002 again, when work was good and we led our lives smoothly albeit separately; when there was nothing (or no one for that matter) that stopped us from being such close friends.

After a bottle of san mig strong ice we were picking up where we left off, had a few laughs, and it was good. When the party ended I didn't feel the need to spend more time undoing knots or delving into the dangerous questions. I bet he may have forgotten that friday night as early as yesterday (and I guess after a while I will have too), but for now, I'm just relieved. I wouldn't mind at all if we never get this chance again. Basta hindi kami galit sa isa't-isa, ok na yun sa akin.

I guess what I'm driving at is, well, if i may quote him, closure is overrated. Time apart really does something good to people whose personal spaces may have unwillingly overlapped. I find it such a fantastic thing that God allows us to forget to make way for new memories to remember.

Thanks.

though it doesn't beat, it's breaking

If I touch a burning candle I can feel the pain.

If you cut me with a knife it’s still the same.

And I know her heart is beating and I know I am dead.

And the pain here that I feel
Try and tell me it's not real
And it seems I still have a tear to shed.

If I touch a burning candle I can feel no pain.

In the ice or in the sun its all the same
Yet I feel my heart is aching. Though it doesn’t beat, it’s breaking.

And the pain here that I feel
Try and tell me it's not real
I know that I am dead –yet it seems that I still have some tears to shed

-- Tears To Shed, from the film Corpse Bride

I don't usually quote lyrics as inline text but this one was tough to find...wala sa official site! I got it from another blog when i googled the first line.

talo na niya ang my best friend's wedding sa mga movies na gusto kong ulit-ulitin.

panalo siya. 'nuff said.

lutong makaw ito!

ayoko na nga. ngayon ko na nga lang pinakitang gusto kong manood nito tapos ganito pa!

you know reality tv isn't reality when too many twists happen in one week...then again i had a feeling the execs of that tv network always had a say on any show's fate and a reality-themed game show was definitely not exempt from that -- especially one that threatened to steal the rival network's top spot in viewership.

ako pa naman believer sa conspiracy theories -- mapa-gobyerno o showbiz o kahit economical stability (case in point: BSP is such a great juggler in terms of keeping the peso from plummetting too fast given the fact that both the national and global markets are shaky). pati ba naman sa bahay ni kuya hindi kami pagbibigyan?

unfair. bob should protest against being forcibly evicted from the house. go bob!

at least ngayon nawalan na ako ng interes dyan at makakabalik na ako sa panonood kay richard gutierrez. haay. cheap ko noh? :)

a franzen-jason moment at home

had a very relaxing time yesterday and the whole day today...i did nothing but eat, sleep and watch tv peppered with short phone conversations with p. i haven't done nothing for the longest time, and it felt so good it almost had the same effect as a 3-hour massage. di pa ko gumastos. panalo!

my sister and i had such a good laugh last night when we took each other's phones and started playing each other's alarm clock tunes! it's really freaky when you hear the tone in the middle of the night, kahit alam mo namang gabi pa at wala kang pasok the next day it still has the same irritating effect! actually parang kakabahan ka pa na titingin ka sa clock mo just to make sure it really isn't the dreaded weekday morning! try it once. nakakatawa talaga!

oh, such reveries

what is your song of the moment?

ako yung nasa title ko. gawa na rin siguro nung nangyari sa akin a few days back -- pero dumikit siya sa utak ko hanggang ngayon (this blog entry has been drastically edited for weeks), and i can't really get it off my head until this post is finally published.

don't you wish sometimes that things that happened before never happened? or have you wished for something to happen so hard that it came true (or at least you remembered it did)?

ay, ewan. i'm in a very vanilla sky moment now.

it's mighty quiet here now that you're gone...

I wasn't exactly hot about parties and reunions at our house when I was a kid and even as I grew older. What I hated about them, though, was the empty feeling that slowly sinks in when you're making your quick besos while saying goodbye and accompanying the last guests to the door and cleaning up after them.

The same loneliness grips me when the boyfriend starts the 'bye after hanging out at home. All of a sudden I'd get some divine inspiration and think about something insanely interesting to talk about and we'd realise we don't have time to talk anymore and it's so frustrating. I'd say, "tapos na yung party", and the mood really gets sullen and it's difficult for him to leave without a heavy heart. He'd call me once he gets home to catch up on that but it's not the same anymore -- much like melted ice cream that you put back in the freezer to ice up.

Last night, I and a few Soulsearch friends were at GP's till a bit before lunch today for his last weekend in the Philippines before leaving for the US tomorrow. I wasn't that reluctant to leave because we stayed up till 3am watching Shutter on dvd, then got up at 930 am for brunch and watched a ho-hum Queen(the Freddie Mercury band)-inspired six-part symphony also on dvd (i swear, we all were excited to listen to it at first but it was so damn kakaantok hehe pasosyal) and Joy and I were more than eager to catch some more winks at home before the racket of another set of visitors packing and leaving began.

A few hours after, this afternoon, my cousin, her husband and their adorable 16-month-old son left for Australia after visiting and staying at our place for almost 3 weeks. I actually waited for this day to come because it meant I'll be getting my room back and hopefully there wouldn't be any bugs on my bed. But I've slept in my own bed for 4 hours since they've gone, finally had the chance to logon and the sigh I'm heaving isn't of relief.

Tapos na kasi yung party e.

I never really got over that feeling. Maybe the oldies were right when they told us kids not to be too happy lest we want to be so sad soon after. (I thought they just didn't want me and my cousins laughing like a hundred mayas chirping because it annoyed them.) Maybe it's just the moon, or Mars (which I haven't seen yet pero dapat visible daw to the naked eye ngayon e kasi naman ulan nang ulan). Maybe it's separation anxiety or knowing that the break's over and you're going back to work the next day (but it's Sunday tomorrow and I hear it's a holiday on Monday).

Tracey Thorn sure got that feeling right when she sang about how Christmas Day is: it's cold and there's nothing to do (kasi nga naman tapos na ang caroling at simbang gabi at matanda na tayo masyado para mamasko pa).

Or maybe I just miss my little nephew.

just hold me close; don't patronize me...

I was reading blogs and chanced upon a discussion on heterosexual relationships in terms of the conditions which each sex role (i.e, whoever may be the "guy" or "girl" in a relationship) demands from the other which constitutes a "high maintenance" problem. (read about it here.) Dapat comment lang ito sa blog ni jowi pero humaba na at nag-error message pa kaya di ma-post so heto pinost ko na lang siya dito.

Napaisip ako sa 100%, less than 100%, at 200% levels of giving in a relationship.

I talked to my dad some months back and he told me he stopped weighing how much he loves my mom compared to how much my mom loves him. Actually, he stopped noticing anyone's level of affection altogether. Why? Because this liberated him from

• giving what's "expected" of him, and
  
• the depressing feeling that he doesn't get loved (or loved as much as he deserves) in return.

So, he simply LOVES.

Sabi niya, "lumaki na ang puso" niya enough to accept that my mom may not love him as much (or at least make him feel it), kasi pag umasa pa raw siya na papantayan yung love niya sasama lang ang loob niya at baka ikamatay pa niya. Eh 77 na siya! Hindi malayong mangyari talaga yun. Katakot diba? So, unconditional, unrequited (to some extent) and indefatigable love ang drama niya.

Hindi naman sa pa-martir effect siya (dahil malayo ang personality niya dun, I'm sure some of you know him), pero siguro ganoon na lang ka-encompassing yung love niya sa mom ko. hindi niya iniisip na wrong match sila dahil 27 years din naman sila at kung ayaw talaga nila sa isa't-isa, matagal na dapat tinapos sa sobrang daming hindi swak sa kanila. And I believe it's not just "because of the children". Basta ang importante sa tatay ko, tunay at wagas yung pag-ibig niya at hindi na siya naghihintay ng kapalit dun. *sniff*

So, for me, being unfair or selfish by not giving as much love as the other does is more of an observation based on one's perception than a fact. If you're the one who gives less, you may feel guilty but the other may not feel, uh, "offended" (for lack of a better term) but may just accept it as part of being in a relationship. In fact, the one who silently realizes s/he's getting less than what s/he deserves is the selfish one, kasi diba when you get into those things you don't really impose anything other than truth, fidelity and love which should be a given? (or "givens" kasi marami? hehehe) so dapat mamahalin ka niya despite that, at idededma mo ang guilt mo unless talagang napapaisip kang hindi mo na siya mahal at dapat naman sabihan mo siya. Pero syempre, may maaapakan kang feelings unless malaki yung puso niya. :)

Natuwa rin ako dun sa isang old entry ni Jen-C sa blog niya about unrequited love.

How (bitter)sweet.

squirrely wrath!

Was home alone the whole afternoon yesterday and decided to read email and friends' blogs while I had the room to myself. Joy and I have been nomads for the past few days since some of our balikbayan relatives came in from Australia, and it was comforting to go inside my room again and be able to logon...

After watching the numa-numa dance (both the original and the AI version), I chanced upon a skit featuring Foamy the Squirrel and I realised how much I missed this toon! Click on the subject title to select the episodes! My fave's entitled Small, Medium, Large which pokes fun at coffeeshops; then there's also the newest clip called Sacred Space...funny!

Hahahaha! defile! defile!

why i don't care much about high school reunions.

Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz.

faith, trust and pixiedust

The fire has been put out and the smoke has cleared.

All that is left is the ground where a tree used to be -- a shelter from which warmth, security and contentment emanated, and was a testimony to the love of the ones who cared for it when it was but a seedling, yet it was ravaged by a forest fire that began with a small, glowing cigarette butt thrown carelessly beside it.

In despair I fell to my knees and buried my face into my hands; it's gone, there is nothing to save. I held back the tears to hide the loss from everyone else and smiled emptily each day; I wept alone in the darkest hours of night, fervently whispering to God,

let it be all right, teach us how it is to truly love.

Then, from the blackened soil sprung forth a tiny sprout of green. Someone was nurturing such a fragile plant on damaged ground. Only a prayer could keep it alive. But he came by every day to tend to it as I watched from a distance. Soon I found myself drawn to this man's resilient soul; each day I inched a step closer until I knelt next to him. I was welcomed by a familiar face. His eyes searched mine for the hope I was trying to turn away from, and I saw through them an acceptance of divine will that calmly takes the pain but still believes that what has been lost may be regained.

And so with faith and a spirit that refuses to falter, we rebuild. It may not be easy, it will take long, but it will last.

you'd kill yourself for recognition;kill yourself to never, ever stop

Why is it that females are more likely to attempt suicide but more males complete the act and die?


Perhaps the motive or the objective is different for men and women. I won't go into a sweeping generalisation; neither will I satisfy the ego of some woman who unwittingly shocked the blood out of my system by writing about her (though I think certain circumstances have fed that already). I just can't help but wonder -- why bother slashing wrists when you can hit the jugular at one go?

I just started re-reading The Unbearable LIghtness of Being and there's this part where Tereza is telling Tomas about her dreams of Sabina and how she (Tereza) is so emotionally hurt that she dreams of stabbing needles under her fingernails to transfer the pain from her heart to her body. Tomas hears her out and takes her hands and kisses the tips of her fingers gingerly as though they have indeed felt the prick of the needles.

Oh, how women love physical drama. We'd cut our hair, starve ourselves thin, suffocate ourselves in corsets and get varicose veins from wearing stilettos to feel worthy of the praise the world endows on the beautiful, lucky ones. We'd break dinner plates, slit our wrists and kill fetuses to put that excalamation point in an otherwise unaccented conversation that means more than it sounds.

Maybe I'm just angry. Perhaps I'm just frustrated that the one thing I was proud of having melted like a black, disfigured plastic cup in a convection oven and appeared unfamiliar, even disgusting.

And so it is...

we're all so strong when nothing's wrong

Jc, a friend from Hangad, recently had his long locks chopped and got overboard reactions from people who expected him perhaps to give them a profound explanation for the drastic change in hairstyle. To the questions and lamentations he replied, "Mainit kasi," or "Di bale, hahaba rin naman ito eh."

I told him it was different for girls, most of whom I know have trimmed their tresses for a dramatic and tangible symbol of self-renewal, such as surviving a recent breakup.

a few days ago, I got a haircut myself.

Jim and Della

I just recovered from an hour-long flood of tears and sobs due to economic troubles right within the confines of my own home. The cries of political protest along Katipunan and Taft Avenues seem to have been drowned out by my own financial woes. I just realised I can't live within my present standards of living.

I'm decently compensated by my present company in terms of salary level; I do get commissions every now and then; my dollar account is ripe for peso conversion (with the current rate, i'm close to getting 500 bucks on top of the purchase price); and I barely reach a third of my credit cards' limit every month (which I dutifully pay in full on the due date).

However, I'm also paying for a 7-year car loan which cuts my salary in half every payday; the same car I use everyday and gas up for once a week; I'm contributing a considerable amount for my parents to use for household expenses since they've both retired from regular employment; I'm paying for our cable subscription that sucks; and I'm probably the only kid in this house who could manage to treat the family out for dinner when they feel like it (and believe me, this family loves to eat -- and eat in style).

I used to think that if I didn't have much money I'd probably lose weight. Alas, I've gained more pounds by eating house food, losing the budget for weekly badminton games, and due to stress. Add to that my recent health breakdown which resulted in buying PHP2k worth of prescription antibiotics when all I had to do was just to lie in bed for 2 days and drink a lot of water to combat the fever and colds (I waited in the outpatient clinic for 4 hours just because the clerks at the ER told me I wasn't an emergency case -- yeah, like having a 41-degree fever is nothing to be alarmed about).

I don't want to think anymore about how much I used to make at my old job which required tons of paid overtime work; that's history and I'm glad to be with the people I work with right now. I just hate realising that I can't even go to Jollibee anymore to buy myself a 1-piece chickenjoy meal because it's too expensive. My resources are not as liquid as I'd like them to be, and my salary just goes from my personal account to the loans, bills and other obligations I have to settle, leaving me with less than a Ninoy to live off the next two weeks until another pseudo payday comes. Heck, I even had to force myself to get a haircut (the subtlety of which does not reflect its monetary value), when I used to love to go to the salon and have my hair styled while getting a pedicure-manicure. And the final blow may just be the reluctant decision to sell my beautiful Korg Trinity...

P told me he was scared of how I've enslaved myself in a "live-for-the-moment" lifestyle. Sana kasi kung yung objective ng "live-for-the moment" was carpe diem; but no, it's more of isang kahig, isang tuka. I feel guilty whenever I think about spending for myself, but I also make my family feel miserable when I rant about not having money while I faithfully credit funds into my dad's account. P warned me about this no-win situation wherein nobody's happy because both parties lose the pleasure of giving and receiving when you know there's not much to go around. We may as well be like the James Dillingham Youngs who bittersweetly discovered how one would go to extreme lengths to please the other one poignant Christmas evening.

Oh, well. Tomorrow I will earn my living once more, and my hair still grows. White.

By the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone

I've often mentioned (and pondered upon in silence) that there are ties that have to be broken in order for someone to grow and move on. You may as well know I've had my share of these -- some of which died a natural death, with a few that entailed a lot of painful effort to let go of. Still I struggled and eventually accepted the fact that the world does not revolve around me, and life goes on and even gets better.

But every once in a while scenes play in my idle mind, of days shared with those friends I have left behind. As I close my eyes I find myself immersed in those moments...all of a sudden I'm back there awkwardly playing basketball in the high school court with her, I'm hearing his nervous voice over the phone at 10AM saying "good evening", she's holding my hand at the bleachers telling me "no goodbyes", he does an Amelie and I'm stunned and there's no time to react adversely as I look into his lovely eyes as he leaves without a word, and I laugh when he stops his car in the middle of the road and looks at me as though he's caught with his pants down.

These five episodes I remember most, and I can't help but miss, because I know they have all gone. Not that I'm lonely, which I'm far from being; and not that they can't be contacted (as a matter of fact they're pretty much still around my social circle) -- it's the indifference in reality that sometimes stumps me.

Lately I've gotten in touch with two of them on separate occasions, and, well, it feels strange to find that they want to make up for lost time; honestly, I don't know if I want to, too. Last time I tried that I just blabbed nonstop and felt like I was talking to a wall -- it just didn't seem natural to me anymore, and I'm sure the other felt the same. But on the way home I remember again how it used to be, and it's such a shock for me to realise how I've managed not to feel anything anymore after all that.

After conditioning one's self to breaking ties and moving on, how does one entertain a sincere invitation to renewal? Is it right to say, "I'm sorry, I wish I could, but I can't"?

now if only the name came with the body...

Your Sexy Brazilian Name Is

Tâmira Otelo

What's Your Sexy Brazilian Name?

when nothing else remains, love letters become paper planes

Boo Hewerdine.

He formed the band The Bible in the 80s which released a minor hit, "Honey Be Good" (lyrics you can scroll from here) from its second album Eureka. I chanced upon an acoustic version of that song on NU a few nights ago and it really caught on. Unfortunately Boo's website only has the old band version which I didn't like as much as the pure acoustic guitar one.

Incidentally, he also wrote "Patience of Angels" for Eddi Reader in 1992.

Listen to his poignant "Paper Planes" here.

sigh. these nerds. i gotta meet them at least once in this lifetime.

hmm. who needs a STARE? =)

Thug Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

the itchy and scratchy show

was supposed to go to a party tonight, but the hard rain created a lake on our street and my dad told me not to go out anymore so i'm stuck here at home trying to stop myself from giving in to my allergy's itch and worrying about sleeping on my bed with fresh sheets (read: new, untested and potentially allergenic material) which may end up giving me another batch of rashes. and, i just deleted a half-page full entry dedicated to my low skin immunity because this says it all: ***SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH rubbing alcohol AAAHHH X-mark with fingernail on the rash***

iba na talaga mga insekto ngayon, sosyal na gamot ang kailangan tapos ang tagal mawala ng marks. i remember how my mom used to put Vicks Vaporub on my mosquito bites to relieve them tapos kinabukasan makinis na ulit yung balat ko. it made me wonder how the Vicks people ignored this function in commercials and just concentrated on the cold-cough "haplos ng ginhawa" drama. i tried treating myself with that when i had a bad cold and i ended up not having a good night's rest; the balm stuck to my nightgown and felt icky. the "steam bath" option was ok, a la facial sauna with a tablespoon of the balm in a tabo of hot water, but it gave those who wanted to use the tabo for its other usual function quite a *tingling* experience and i had to wash it with hard detergent to get the ointment off the surface anubato issue pa rin sa akin?!? di naman ako masyadong affected noh?

napaisip tuloy ako kung ano pa yung mga products na may iba pang function other than the recommended use....hmm.

sige isip muna ako para malibang at hindi maloka sa pagkamot.

all of a sudden i forgot there was a mass starting and i just ran to the back of the church to hug him! i couldn't believe he's HERE!!!! 

i saw this guy in church and whispered to elaine, "hey look, there's a guy who looks like gp," then she smiled a big wide grin and stayed silent. 

ordinary people

seeing john legend sing and play the piano online made me remember soulsearch...para siyang nasa bahay nina jeline, and the lively sound of the keys reminded me of gp and how we all used to just hang around each other's houses and play and sing and laugh even all at the same time!

haaay. memories. miss ko na kayo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i was drawn to the song naman while driving to work (which is about a song away from my house)...i chanced upon it on a station i used to listen to until my favorite dj called me a bitch on-air and eventually retired (that story in another post soon). i was contemplating about how difficult it was for me to resist being childish and demanding at the busiest of times for both p and me, and what struck me most were the lyrics -- i was close to just stopping in the middle of commonwealth avenue and shouting, "YES!!! SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS!!!" grabe talaga. natumbok ng walanghiya niya. bullseye. naiyak ako nang di-oras.

if any one of you cares to listen to it (you can check out the video dun sa Media portion ng website), would you tell me what other song has that "woh-oh-oh-ohhhhhh" adlib at the end of the chorus? it's driving me nuts and i can't sleep thinking about it!!! parang pang-broadway yung kanta eh...or is it a barbra streisand hit? or both?

* * * *

i'd never try to give my life meaning by demeaning you...

i came from a seminar in makati today and had the company car reserved for my use since coding ang car ko. pauwi hindi na ako maihatid kasi makati ang central "station" ng lahat ng bank cars so i hitched a ride with my officemate to qc. had myself dropped off to east ave (half-hoping i'd see p in v luna which didn't happen anyway),then rode a jeep from east ave back to commonwealth around 6pm to save money on taxi fare. the smallest bill i had was php20 and i was near the driver enough to see he didn't have enough change so i decided to wait till we were near tandang sora so more passengers could load more loose change before finally yelling "bayad po!" to the driver.

we weren't too far away from glori's when 2 young men hailed the jeep, got in and sat beside me. bayad naman sila agad (at siniguro kong barya yung binayad nila) tapos andami ring bumaba after a few meters more. pero wala pa rin yung sukli ko.

tapos may inabot na sukli yung driver na pinasa-pasa ng mga pasahero sa side ko till it reached the young man beside me. he was holding onto it like he was about to pass it to me but he didn't, and his face was quite, well, undecided. so he kept the change clutched in his hand. naisip ko naman baka kanya yun so i didn't mind, but then i was near my drop off and i still didn't get my change so i called out to the driver again and asked for it. the driver looked at me through the rearview mirror, puzzled, but started to sort his coins then suddenly the guy beside me gave me the change he was holding.

ABA! akin pala talaga yun!

nainis ako paakyat sa overpass, and all i could think about was, may mga tao pala talagang gugulangan ka kahit parang hindi naman worth the trouble. i mean, that was php14.50 -- less than a burger he would've wanted to buy for his date that night -- though it would've been enough for the return trip home for the two of them...but hey! i barely have loose change for myself after computing all my expenses, so i really needed that money, too. pang-almusal ko rin yun (pandesal at 3-in-1) noh!

at hindi kasali sa issue na magkaiba kami ng social status dahil para sa akin, pare-pareho tayong lahat (by "lahat" i mean all those who make an honest living) pagdating sa pagkayod. sure, some get paid more and some get paid less than others, but we all have necessities and responsibilities attached to that financial state which may make a store manager no richer than a taho vendor.

pagbaba ko ng overpass papunta sa kotse ko, i sighed. hay naku. kelan pa ba talaga uunlad ang pilipinas kung nagdadayaan tayo?

"why can't it wait till morning?..."

an audio clip of the original song from Phil Collins' album Hello, I Must Be Going may be found here.

you may listen to another version from the group Fourplay(still with Mr Collins on vocals) 's album Elixir here.

lyrics, of course, are clickable on the post title above.

*****

"...because that time may never come."

*****

Y los pajaros vuelvan a la velocidad del sonido...

Coldplay is back.

i was just surfing with a web radio on and caught this song that suspiciously sounded like chris martin and it happened to be him and the rest of the group with Speed of Sound, the first single off the new album X & Y to be released sometime this month (so...when will it be available in the Philippines? *sigh*) and it sounds very Coldplay with the usual piano-guitar-drums, LSS lyrics and glue-to-brain riffs. come to think of it, it sounds so much like Clocks, which i don't mind at all because i like them enough to let the familiarity pass...besides, it'll work in their favor as the new album will most probably be another hit.

3 commercially successful albums is not bad for a band who used to be chided as a Radiohead ripoff (well, we've got Keane to cover that department Ü ) and who may as well have gone into the mainstream market with Yellow hideously "revived" by some woman (the song isn't that old to be rehashed!!!!), and, of course, the gwyneth paltrow factor sealed Coldplay's fate as a pop rock group...or, at the very least, an alternative sad-bastard-rock band who has pop fans. Ü

speaking of new singles, i also recently came across DMB's fresh release, American Baby, over 88.3. i almost didn't believe it was DMB because of the many bands whose singers are Dave Matthews wannabes (a perfect example is Blue Merle -- but i still like them! the mandolin sounds so clean!), but i checked it out online and saw the video. Ham nga! Ü

all these new songs made me click on Kazaa again and try to download them -- but i gave up after 10 tracks on queue which turned out to be sample loops of the song's first 30 seconds. grrr!! sabi ko nga hintayin ko na lang yung album e.

if we took a holiday...

what's lousier than labor day sunday?

a delayed announcement of labor day monday.

the weekend is drifting by and tomorrow is looming without a getaway plan.

sigh.

tell me where you're going....

So I got my beach vacation. It wasn't too bad, given the fact that nothing went as planned:

* p and i didn't go with the friends we were supposed to go with
* we forgot to bring CDs to play in the car during the loooong drive
* we didn't get a cabaña at the expected hour
* the resort's pics online raised our expectations about the amenities -- and they weren't
met at all
* i forgot to bring another swimsuit so i had to buy one hastily from the overpriced
souvenir shop

Fortunately, the food was relatively fine (albeit expensive as usual, being a remotely located resort), the facilities were fairly clean, the staff were extremely courteous and helpful, and we were booked on the day most guests were packing up and going back to Manila so we managed to enjoy a peaceful and relaxing mini-vacation. I would suggest, though, in future visits, that we go on a day-trip instead of an overnight stay because there's nothing to do at the main core (resort clubhouse) and it costs PHP12K/round-trip boat ride to and from Sepoc Island, which is open to the public only until 5pm. So much for the beach bonfire I was hoping to have...

What struck me most was the beach itself (Sepoc island) -- white sand, rich coral reefs with pretty little fish, and most importantly, not too many people to pollute the environment with both solid waste and noise!

Sayang nga lang, we didn't have a tripod for us to take more pictures of us together at the resort. Oh well. P enjoyed clicking away at the scenery (the green leafy or marine kind, not the bikini-clad variety, thank heavens).

Ganda naman diba? See below.

sepoc island, eagle point resort's private beach 

waiting for a cabaña at the resort...we finally got one at 6pm(!!!!) 

main core, eagle point resort, mabini, batangas 

with my new kiddie friends (clockwise from top): ching the figure skater, cj the tikla and yanna with the kuntil hehehe 

another view of the restaurant at the main core 

lunch at the main core ("main core" sounds redundant, doesn't it? but that's how they call it!), eagle point resort 

where's the island again? 

don't leave me behind...

nice driving music, this old ebtg album...

from boracay to baguio to batangas. yes, that's how my mini-vacation has evolved. and much emphasis on the mini, as it was supposedly a friday night to monday noon thing which dwindled to an overnight stay from sunday to monday (!)

ah, basta matuloy na lang.

went to megamall last night to watch a free concert with a friend, her colleague and p. it was a pleasant surprise as the band Juana, the guitarist of which is my friend's friend and the main reason why we were there, had a nice cute song that was getting good airplay on NU. oh, and by the way, the drummer is gorgeous. too bad I'm straight. Ü

i'm just waiting for p right now.

oops, he just called to tell me his blue beetle isn't home (probably drove itself to the mall to score some chicks hehe) and i'll be meeting him along commonwealth. guess i'll try to sneak in another post within the day (or the weekend).

hi, carlo! glad to know you're religiously logging your pilgrimage experience!(anubaz ang dami ng links sa post na 'to!) personal comments on my email for ya.

of chariot horses and albatrosses

the lyrics of the song "pretending to care" by todd rundgren (of "can we still be friends" fame) which you can view by clicking on the title of the previous post tells me much about dealing with the possibility that having -- and keeping -- a relationship doesn't always include love as a main reason.

how tragic it must be to love someone who doesn't love you back, yet creates the illusion that s/he reciprocates the emotion.

****

the promise you've been living by is just an empty shell...

just to let those who read my blog know (if you haven't discovered it yet)...

when my posts' titles are in burnt sienna you can click on them and see the full lyrics of the songs they were taken from. they may not all be accurate but it saves me time and blog space so all you can read here are my thoughts...or my opinions on other people's thoughts.

which brings me to another thought my barkada made me ponder on that fateful evening we went to the hospital: we were talking about how much we've changed or how much we've stayed the same and one of us posed the question, "sige nga, sino sa atin yung talagang nagbago?" Not one answered positively, but I sensed there was something in that resistance to reply.

are we just pretending we haven't changed because we're afraid of being alone? or because we're afraid of abandoning those we think need us? or could it be our own need to recognise who we used to be and try to reconcile (or evaluate) our present selves with that?

hmm. gumugulo na ang isip ko. more on this soon.

not for the first time i look back...

met with my high school friends last night in a hospital (one of them had an aunt confined there) and decided to have dinner after at shakey's tomas morato. funny how such dismal occasions could really round us all up -- only 2 weren't there, 1 is out of the country while the other is out of circulation (hehehe).


"have you thought about next year when we all would be going in different paths?", one of them thought aloud.



"haven't given it much thought...i've been walking a different path for 4 years now," i replied, referring to my having a job. all of them are still students.

"no, really, i mean we will really be pursuing different careers and going to different places," she reiterated.



hmm.

i don't know if i'm the only one who feels this way, but i think for me it wouldn't make much of a difference. i haven't really maintained close ties until late last year when we started IM-ing each other on YM, burned sun cell's lines with its "unlimited" facility (which is misleading, given the fact that we have only 15 minutes for every call), and reading each other's blogs. landline telebabad as a favorite form of communication has become less and less frequent with our working hours, study habits and evening rehearsals (besides, we have the boys to telebabad with too -- one caller is enough!).


talking to them yesterday was comforting...it felt much like senior high when we had pizza at shakey's katipunan on my birthday -- laughing at the same jokes, picking on the same slow friend, and sharing pretty much the same dreams, while waiting for our food that took like, well, forever to get to our table (same bad service, by the way). and to think i was getting worried about not being able to talk to each of them the way we used to -- what with past issues and present concerns that caught me in such uncomfortable situations...guess it goes to show that after more than 10 years of being together, nothing can break us apart.

now and then, do you wash your hands of me again...

"i guess there are friendships you just have to let go of in order to grow," i told a friend tonight.

* * *

if you like piña coladas

i want to go to a beach.

but not to bora, which i have never been to, if only for the reason that i don't want to be where people i see on tv and in metro manila's malls are; developing their tan lines to show off like a soldier's battlescars and gossiping about who the losers at station 2 were.

not to batangas either, where i went a year ago and got hyperpigmented rashes from the fishy waters i had to tread to get to the other side of the island (the marks are still on my legs which prompted me to shun wearing anything above the ankles since then).

and most definitely not when i'm concave broke (meaning, i have gone below flat broke), which i am now.

i even bought myself a two-piece suit just in case someone decides to invite me for a day or two of sea-sun-sand (sail?), never mind if i still haven't lost the 15 pounds i planned to lose since november. i test-drove the suit while jacuzzi-ing in canyon woods and i think i managed well...albeit having a biased companion (P) who couldn't really say anything bad about it or me.

i want to feel isolated from the city crowd and lose myself in a pinch of paradise. i want to taste the bounties of the sea (and not overspend on a kilo of bilasang tilapia) and rest in a non-airconditioned hut while the sound of the waves lulls me to sleep. i want to trace my toes on the sand and see a hermit crab crawl out of a little sand hole. how i'd love to see the nightsky sans the light pollution and write verses on a little notepad or sing to the cool salty breeze while a bonfire is set ablaze by the shore.

haay. ang hirap naman ng walang outing. yayain nyo naman ako.

ps
jen, la luz is booked on all weekends til may05. any other options? =)

still on grief...

I told myself I won't be writing about the Pope's death but it's been death all week last week so I might as well get on the wagon.

I looked at a photo posted on Yahoo featuring the Pope's remains for public viewing at the Vatican's Apostolic Palace and I was relieved to see a recognizable figure resting peacefully on a dais. Even in death, John Paul II exudes a regal, almost divine aura that made even his would-be asssasin (or should it be "would-have-been"?) mourn for him in his prison cell. The embalmer gave justice to the man who was the personification of indefatigable Catholic faith. I don't know if there will ever be anyone like this Pope who made me walk effortlessly from Quiapo all the way to the Luneta Grandstand just to hear him say mass and catch a pea-sized glimpse of him ten years ago.

An article I liked reading the most described him as someone who remained conservative even in the most trying conditions that would persuade one to forego traditional morals.

Medyo amusing nga lang makapanood o makabasa ng mga alaala ng mga tao tungkol sa kanya kasi parang napaka-trivial nung encounters pero makahulugan pa rin sa kanila yun.. and it did not seem like bragging at all (like, "nahawakan ko yung kamay niya dati kaya feeling ko close na kami"); palagay ko talaga lang kasi na malaki yung impact niya sa tao na makita mo lang siya dati, pakiramdam mo nakita mo na si God.

Ay, ewan. I don't really feel that sad about the Pope not surviving his illness; what is sad is the apparent reality that there will be none like him.

are not our hearts burning within us?

how do you grieve for someone you hardly know?

I attended the funeral of a close friend's grandmother yesterday. I knew no one from the family but my friend, yet I had no second thoughts about going. Maybe it was because I haven't seen him for quite a while and I wanted to be with him even for such a sad occasion. It was obvious that we wouldn't have time to talk, but kebs. So I went to the funeral mass at Arlington and to the burial at Loyola.

It was apparent that his grandmother was close to her children and grandchildren, with the long farewell before they closed the coffin. The kids each had a white balloon that they released into the air once the coffin was laid to the ground. It was a nice gesture (though the afterthought of where the deflated balloons might end up is alarming for the environment!), and I must say that albeit the usual melodrama of tears and regret, the family mourned gracefully for the passing of a loved one.

The only awkward situation was me being there.

I had no tears for the deceased; I never got to meet her while she was still alive -- in fact, she was never mentioned in any of the few meaningful conversations I've had with my friend. Even he did not seem too gloomy when I saw him yesterday; perhaps, it was the busy job of attending to everyone and leading the prayer that kept him from breaking down and making it appropriate for me to comfort him. I felt a bit uneasy when I hugged him primarily because he had this straight face that looked like it didn't need any tenderness -- or, at least, he didn't need it from someone like me who didn't know his Lola the way he or his cousins did.

Nevertheless, I think we both understood and appreciated seeing each other again despite the circumstances. I told him I wanted to see him again on another day where, he said, he wouldn't be distraught. I kidded him and asked when that could ever be, knowing how we often met for sad stories and rarely for fun...he replied, "Tomorrow -- chiz!"

And with that, I went home knowing tomorrow will be good.

Sabay Sa Ihip ng Hangin - click to view lyrics

Being active in a choir for liturgical activities for the past 10 years or so, I've found myself imposing my own religious traditions for the two busiest Catholic observances -- Advent/Christmas and Lent/Easter. I've struggled to complete the Advent novena from Dec 16-24 (Simbang Gabi) almost every year not only because I'd be a singer or instrumentalist for the liturgy but also because I'd be caught up in the whirlwind of excitement of my choirmates who braved the cold December mornings (4:00 AM!!!) and walked or carpooled like schoolchildren from their homes to church -- and back, armed with bibingka and puto bumbong to share with the lazy family members who decided to forego the mass and sleep a bit more.

Holy Week would be the counterpart of Advent's 9-mass ritual during Lent for me. I recall a few years back when we had choir practices from Holy Monday-Wednesday for the Triduum masses headed by the seminarians at our parish's in-house formation center, then participate in various activities in remembrance of Christ's passion and death. These would include Stations of the Cross along the village roads, our family's Pabasa/Pasyon, Visita Iglesia, and looong masses and processsions from Maundy Thursday to Black Saturday. All throughout this week, I would avoid using the phone for anything other than coordinating choir schedules, and would deliberately disconnect my cable TV. At the end of the Easter Vigil mass, we'd go to the seminary's backyard and hide plastic eggs in preparation for the kiddie Easter egghunt, then go back home to rest for a few hours before marching again to the village streets and witness the Salubong before Easter dawn, have breakfast, and finally give food and goodies to the children who eagerly and patiently searched the entire seminary field of prize-laden eggs. It seems like I practically wouldn't have slept from Good Friday to Easter Sunday, but it wasn't much of a bother. It was my tradition, my own ritual.

This year's Holy Week, I didn't join any parish activity because I chose to participate in Hangad's own Triduum duties (masses, Stations of the Cross) in Ateneo. I didn't go to the Salubong for the first time in 10 years. And there wasn't any kiddie Easter egghunt because the church apparently had construction ongoing at the seminary's back field (uh-huh, right. at least that's what they said). And because my 24/7 load would be expiring by Black Saturday, I chose to forego my telebabad sacrifice altogether, as well as allowing myself to watch non-Lenten shows on cable TV.

Come to think of it, I wasn't that active either for the Advent/Christmas parish events last 2004.

I realised I had been following and complying with these rituals and failed to remember the reason why I started them in the first place. It came so automatically for me to be there all the time that I wasn't there for the right reasons anymore. It then dawned on me that I no longer found such activities helpful for my own spiritual reflection. And I discovered I was able to ponder on my faith even amidst the nonchalance of daily life.

Yet somehow, there remains a part of me that wishes to find meaning again in those practices I chose to let go of. Maybe I will find it again, not in a whirlwind of excitement as it was in years past, but in the soft whisper of a breeze inviting me to come home.

our Jimmy Boy (seen here playfully posing for the camera at home) passed away just this morning. everyone (even Dad and Mom) mourn the loss of such a lively soul whose cheery face and bubbly disposition brightened the darkest of evenings and the bleakest mornings. he is survived by his mom, Lucky; his twin brother, Paquito; his uncles, Java and Ampon; and a father he never met. hope you can spare a moment to pray and thank the Lord for blessing our lives with such a wonderful pet even for just a while. 

sometimes i wonder where i've been...

Why didn't I find out about this blog thing at the same time my other friends did? I feel kinda lonely writing to myself knowing that there are only about 3 people who know this exists: Person #1 who reads every now and then (but actually knows the story pre-published and unabridged); Person #2 who got the link from Person #1 and probably didn't visit more than twice; and Person #3 who just knows it exists but doesn't bother visiting.

I've been looking at other people's blogs -- some of them by acquaintances; some by complete strangers. All of a sudden it feels like late 2003 when I registered to Friendster and had about 12 friends under my account while others' were close to 200. Like a blast of urban NLEX breeze I felt dizzy and wanted to sleep the loneliness away.

I just may have lost my old friends.

I think I distanced myself too far for me to grow up with the buddies I had in high school (even college), and now that I get to read about their lives I begin to wonder if I could spend more than 10 minutes with any one of them without feeling a bit queasy. I know nothing about chamber music or bestselling novels, my poetry sucks, I've never joined a charity/volunteer group, can't relate to the toxicity of med school, got no juicy illicit love affairs (don't get me wrong, I'm totally satisfied with my lovelife), and I think I've stayed pretty much the same after a decade while all my friends have made spectacular progress in their lives.

Of course there are a few whom I have managed to keep in touch with and still get to talk to; pero syempre andun yung kalungkutan na dulot ng pagkakatuklas na mayroong mga taong maaaring nakalimot na sa akin o sa pinagsamahan namin, tulad ng mga kaibigang nangibang-bansa na, ang mga kapitbahay na nagsisipag-asawa na, o ang pangkat na nakakabangon na kahit wala ako.

Buti na lang naisipan kong magbasa ng email kanina at nataong may pinadala sa yahoogroups ang isang dating kaklase -- isang panalangin, na humihiling sa Panginoon ng katatagan ng loob sa gitna ng pag-iisa, pagkabigo o pagtalikod ng iba. Naroon din ang pagsusumamo na matutunang gustuhing unahin ang kapakanan ng iba bago ang sa sarili.

Naalala ko na naman nung minsan kaming nag-usap ni Daddy. Sabi niya, hindi na siya mapaghinanakit ngayon sapagkat malaki na ang kanyang puso. Sa kanyang katandaan naunawaan na niyang kahina-hinayang ang nalalabing araw niya rito sa mundo kung hahayaan niyang maghari ang sama ng loob sa kanya; kung kaya't minabuti na niyang magmahal at magbigay nang hindi na naghahanap ng pansin.

Siguro nga'y musmos pa ako sapagkat mahalaga pa rin sa akin ang makatanggap ng panukli sa ibinibigay kong pagtingin sa iba; at ako'y madaling nagdaramdam kapag nalalaman kong hindi ko na makilala ang kinagisnang buhay ng aking mga kababata.

Sana hindi na lang ako matampuhin. My loneliness is killing me...(insert Britney clip here)

"this is the one thing...

...the one thing that I know":

i was swept away by jars of clay.

jars of play-doh

kainis. gusto ko pa namang manood ng jars of clay but no, i think i shouldn't spend my negative savings on it (my salary has been devoured by my car's amortization before i even get it from the atm). besides, the one person i want to watch it with just texted me today and told me she's been delinquent with rehearsals for an upcoming concert (not Hangad's -- though if you're interested WATCH HANGAD'S ALBUM LAUNCH 7PM FEB27 at GESU hehehe plugging na naman), so she begged off na rin. P's not too interested I think because he said no already prior to checking his schedule...haaaay nako!

di bale na nga. i don't know all their songs by heart anyway so i just might look like a ditz trying to follow the lyrics if ever that they'd ask the audience to sing...*sigh*

and i guess i've outgrown alternative christian music for quite some time now -- perhaps due to the fact that i've outgrown my own church band. bumabalik na ata ako sa crossover jazz roots ko ah...other than that, it's francis brew's playlist that's keeping me preoccupied. hmm...may blog kaya siya? sometimes i think about going to another gig and approach him again and this time have the guts to EXCHANGE NUMBERS. ibang klase kasi talagang lahat ng patugtugin niya gusto ko, tapos nakakatawa pa siya!!! magsama sila nina jessica zafra at sting sa fantasy barkada ko...

teka nga i'd better sleep. got a LOOOONG day ahead of me. tech rehearsal na before concert!!!!!

Daddy

this is actually a spiel for an upcoming concert (insert shameless plug here). better have it published as my sister and I will be doing a shorter version live.

******

Si Daddy, pag nagsalita ‘yan, akala mo laging galit sa mundo kasi ang lakas ng boses. His harsh words, to the unaccustomed ear, may seem hurtful but we, his family, have come to accept them as mere expressions of fleeting bursts of emotion that don’t mean harm. Every morning he calls my name, or Joy’s, three times in different tones (insert sample here) that sometimes elicit an irritated “Po?!?!? Bakit po?!?!” or even an impolite “Ano?!?!?” from the daughter who has been roused from deep sleep. Our household help get a daily scolding from him with every mistake or forgotten task that makes one shudder at the thought of ever committing the same mistake again. Like a corps commander, he makes a roll call every mealtime and will not stop until you abandon whatever it is you may be doing so we could all eat together. At sa gabi, bago matulog, ang ka-OC-han sa bahay, talagang walang magnanakaw na pwedeng pumasok sa dami ng beses niyang i-che-check kung naikandado na lahat ng pintuan at sufficient na ang ilaw. You may as well say that every member (pati inanimate object) of the house is up and about primarily because of Daddy, which is a good thing because we get to see that everything and everyone are in order, are accounted for and meet his standards. Kaso minsan talaga may pagkakataon na gusto na lang naming tahimik sa bahay for once.

A few years back, Ate Celia invited Daddy to spend Christmas with her and her family in Boston. With a little reluctance on our part, he left in December of that year for the US to take a 3-week vacation with them. And while he stayed there, our house suddenly became quiet since we all went about our tasks without anyone giving orders. Then Christmas Eve came, and it was Noche Buena time. My mom, brother, Joy and I were gathered at the table and ate quietly with nothing but a few funny one-liners or the clanging of silverware against the china here and there to break the silence. It was then that Joy suddenly remarked, “Sana nandito si Daddy. Masyadong tahimik dito, ang lungkot tuloy,” which brought tears to our eyes. Yes, we missed the racket our Dad made when he complains about the cold soup, when he would holler for an extra plate, when he proudly exclaims how good the ham is. Somehow, the deafening silence that befell us that night brought not peace but loneliness.

Dad came home a bit after New Year’s and things at home went back to their normal, albeit mildly chaotic state. To this day, he still wakes the entire household to its feet and we must admit that it still gets to our nerves sometimes, but Joy and I have come to embrace it because we wouldn’t have it any other way. We want all that noise if it means breathing zeal into our home and giving us a feeling that someone is making sure we are all alright – and is shouting it to the world! Our hearts go out to this very outspoken father of ours who tells everything as it is, and we know that his kakulitan is a testimony to his unconditional love for all of us – a love that fiercely proclaims its might and its truth.

stay awake

I was having a case of insomnia last week and decided to dig up my old palancas from my DWTL. Not a few letters kept me amused that evening. I was particularly engrossed in reading those from my sister, my best friend and an old flame.

My sister's palanca was such a delight to read as it was just a bunch of nonsensical nostalgia exclusive to us two! It was a feat to keep my laughter muffled throughout the night and not rouse her in our room with her kajologan that only she could pull with confident humor...at the same time it was comforting to realise that she and I are friends close enough to be sisters, and sisters indeed that are close enough to be called friends.

My best friend's letter startled me a bit as I almost imagined her suddenly appearing in front of me and rattling off in her usual pessimistic voice about how difficult life is but how great it is to live nonetheless (and I thought she started complaining as a habit only in our post-college years...). But it was a revelation of sorts when she implored me to not leave her, which she wrote every so often in that letter. I feel that was when our drifting apart started kicking in; we started going out with other friends in our last year of high school, but were too busy to mind how alienated we have been to each other. I could almost feel her arm hooking to mine as she used to in school corridors, begging me to stay with her until her mom picked her up (knowing very well my driver was already waiting in the parking lot). She wrote about finishing my iced tea during recess time; I remembered how it was and how my barkada used to drink from my water jug and leave nothing for me (which probably reinforced my habit of not drinking enough fluids!). She also disclosed how tiring it was to keep laughing and making people laugh because that's how people knew your personality to be and you couldn't exactly afford to be quiet and not be left alone; and how I was one of the few she could be her true, imperfect, unhappy self. Over the years she has mastered the art of keeping her emotions to herself and/or translating these frustrations into petty vices and managed to go through each time without having to divulge anything to me; we barely call each other up (in stark contrast to our telebabad phase which infamously disturbed every exam week); and perhaps, we have outgrown the need to stick to a single best friend. We both have other people who probably know more of ourselves right now, but what remains is the memory of knowing who we used to be and the longing to look back on those times with someone who understands how we were then. I decided to email her after this and we've started sending letters (albeit the electronic way) again.

My ex (who was my boyfriend at the time) wrote the sweetest letter for me. He was vacationing in another country then and sent an email to me that served as his palanca. It had none of the bitterness that we both felt a few months into our relationship's demise; it was at its peak, we were in love, we were contented, we believed so much in what we had and that was what kept us going. To this day I still can't point to an exact cause of our breakup; it just crumbled apart till I woke up and found it not there anymore. Nevertheless, I have nothing ill to speak of him and we are on good terms, albeit on a lower level of closeness. This is probably the only letter I have left that came from him; all the others were burned in an act of closure and commitment to move on. I haven't heard from him lately and neither has he replied to invitations from our mutual friends to meet again and catch up on each other. All I hear from friends who see him once in a while is that he has gained a few pounds and appears to be happy. I sincerely hope he is. Happy, I mean. :)

So many things have happened since that retreat; some people and things I hold dearest now barely mattered then, while a few remain to be important yet don't quite tip the scales the same way. Looking back, I realise how my crises then seemed bigger then they were; it comforts me to find that my problems today won't matter as much in the future too. Amazing how a sleepleess night that revived old memories could bring so much insight.