Sunday, August 14, 2005

just hold me close; don't patronize me...

I was reading blogs and chanced upon a discussion on heterosexual relationships in terms of the conditions which each sex role (i.e, whoever may be the "guy" or "girl" in a relationship) demands from the other which constitutes a "high maintenance" problem. (read about it here.) Dapat comment lang ito sa blog ni jowi pero humaba na at nag-error message pa kaya di ma-post so heto pinost ko na lang siya dito.

Napaisip ako sa 100%, less than 100%, at 200% levels of giving in a relationship.


I talked to my dad some months back and he told me he stopped weighing how much he loves my mom compared to how much my mom loves him. Actually, he stopped noticing anyone's level of affection altogether. Why? Because this liberated him from
  • giving what's "expected" of him, and
  • the depressing feeling that he doesn't get loved (or loved as much as he deserves) in return.
So, he simply LOVES.

Sabi niya, "lumaki na ang puso" niya enough to accept that my mom may not love him as much (or at least make him feel it), kasi pag umasa pa raw siya na papantayan yung love niya sasama lang ang loob niya at baka ikamatay pa niya. Eh 77 na siya! Hindi malayong mangyari talaga yun. Katakot diba? So, unconditional, unrequited (to some extent) and indefatigable love ang drama niya.

Hindi naman sa pa-martir effect siya (dahil malayo ang personality niya dun, I'm sure some of you know him), pero siguro ganoon na lang ka-encompassing yung love niya sa mom ko. hindi niya iniisip na wrong match sila dahil 27 years din naman sila at kung ayaw talaga nila sa isa't-isa, matagal na dapat tinapos sa sobrang daming hindi swak sa kanila. And I believe it's not just "because of the children". Basta ang importante sa tatay ko, tunay at wagas yung pag-ibig niya at hindi na siya naghihintay ng kapalit dun. *sniff*

So, for me, being unfair or selfish by not giving as much love as the other does is more of an observation based on one's perception than a fact. If you're the one who gives less, you may feel guilty but the other may not feel, uh, "offended" (for lack of a better term) but may just accept it as part of being in a relationship. In fact, the one who silently realizes s/he's getting less than what s/he deserves is the selfish one, kasi diba when you get into those things you don't really impose anything other than truth, fidelity and love which should be a given? (or "givens" kasi marami? hehehe) so dapat mamahalin ka niya despite that, at idededma mo ang guilt mo unless talagang napapaisip kang hindi mo na siya mahal at dapat naman sabihan mo siya. Pero syempre, may maaapakan kang feelings unless malaki yung puso niya. :)

Natuwa rin ako dun sa isang old entry ni Jen-C sa blog niya about unrequited love.

How (bitter)sweet.

4 comments:

timoune said...

hey, chrise!

unang una, tinamaan ako sa title mo. one of my most favorite songs. ang sakit, ang sarap! hehe.

i was touched by your entry, especially the part where your dad shares about his own experience with his wife. i am always moved by such wisdom, especially when they talk about love and other death-defying acts. :)

i agree with you when you said that when you love, you give your whole self without counting how much of what you give is given back to you. believe me when i say i've been there, done that. (or been there, been that. haha)hehe. i've been through that unrequited love bit and i've had to crawl out of my rut, for not having saved enough of that love for myself. i don't regret a single bit of it, though. at one point, i told myself, if i could go back in time, i'd fix this situation by not giving as much of myself; next time i love this way, i'm not gonna give as much as i did or i'm never gonna love this way again. then carlo told me, but that's not gonna be jowi anymore. you're not gonna be true to yourself and that would not be jowi loving someone. oo nga naman. may wisdom talagang tinatago yun noh? hehe. anyway, i knew that was just the pain talking then.

so i've been through that and i still believe that when one truly loves, he or she gives himself or herself without counting the cost. you have to note though that the point of view of my...um..sharing was that of the receiver of unrequited love. if you're the person who is allegedly giving less 100%, and you look at your partner who's giving the 200%, pwede kang mapaisip, it's unfair for BOTH of you to be staying in that relationship. (of course, the percentages are merely a means of describing the indescribable and immeasurable love that is shared by two people.) para bang sino mas gusto mong kasama? mahal mo o mahal ka? daming arguments pwede.

siguro, like what i said pa rin sa entry ko, at the end of the day, we just have to find our match. yung magiging komportable tayong sabihing, ito na. siya na nga. pantay man o hindi yung pag-ibig na namamagitan sa inyo, using whose standards, i don't know, but just that one person whom i can say i am myself with and i am comfortable with and i love with all my heart and mind. (and have the best sex of my life with. hahaha. joke. serious na masyado eh. haha) and dagdag ko nga pala, whose relationship i have with helps me to love myself even more. ;)

tea_n_sympathy said...

korak. panalo ka talaga ate!
sigh. why can't we love the way old people do? yun bang pinagdaanan na lahat ng pahirap sa mundo pero kinebs lang yun at nagmamahal pa rin?

cheng. dami ko biglang nalaman sa yo.

:)

timoune said...

azus, ano naman nalaman mo tungkol sa akin? puro feeling deep lang yan. hahahaha.

uy, do you remember back in high school sabi natin soulmate natin isa't isa?

ako natatandaan ko. kaya nga nung nag-post ka ng about your identity in high school... something like that... yung quiz, sabi ko, hoy, hindi tayo ganyan. hahahaha.

timoune said...

at maidagdag ko lang.... dahil sa ka-OC-han...

this...siguro, like what i said pa rin sa entry ko, at the end of the day, we just have to find our match.......whose relationship i have with helps me to love myself even more. ;) - should also be where my partner is... dapat same place kami...gets?

tama na ka-oc-han.