Tuesday, January 18, 2005

stay awake

I was having a case of insomnia last week and decided to dig up my old palancas from my DWTL. Not a few letters kept me amused that evening. I was particularly engrossed in reading those from my sister, my best friend and an old flame.

My sister's palanca was such a delight to read as it was just a bunch of nonsensical nostalgia exclusive to us two! It was a feat to keep my laughter muffled throughout the night and not rouse her in our room with her kajologan that only she could pull with confident humor...at the same time it was comforting to realise that she and I are friends close enough to be sisters, and sisters indeed that are close enough to be called friends.

My best friend's letter startled me a bit as I almost imagined her suddenly appearing in front of me and rattling off in her usual pessimistic voice about how difficult life is but how great it is to live nonetheless (and I thought she started complaining as a habit only in our post-college years...). But it was a revelation of sorts when she implored me to not leave her, which she wrote every so often in that letter. I feel that was when our drifting apart started kicking in; we started going out with other friends in our last year of high school, but were too busy to mind how alienated we have been to each other. I could almost feel her arm hooking to mine as she used to in school corridors, begging me to stay with her until her mom picked her up (knowing very well my driver was already waiting in the parking lot). She wrote about finishing my iced tea during recess time; I remembered how it was and how my barkada used to drink from my water jug and leave nothing for me (which probably reinforced my habit of not drinking enough fluids!). She also disclosed how tiring it was to keep laughing and making people laugh because that's how people knew your personality to be and you couldn't exactly afford to be quiet and not be left alone; and how I was one of the few she could be her true, imperfect, unhappy self. Over the years she has mastered the art of keeping her emotions to herself and/or translating these frustrations into petty vices and managed to go through each time without having to divulge anything to me; we barely call each other up (in stark contrast to our telebabad phase which infamously disturbed every exam week); and perhaps, we have outgrown the need to stick to a single best friend. We both have other people who probably know more of ourselves right now, but what remains is the memory of knowing who we used to be and the longing to look back on those times with someone who understands how we were then. I decided to email her after this and we've started sending letters (albeit the electronic way) again.

My ex (who was my boyfriend at the time) wrote the sweetest letter for me. He was vacationing in another country then and sent an email to me that served as his palanca. It had none of the bitterness that we both felt a few months into our relationship's demise; it was at its peak, we were in love, we were contented, we believed so much in what we had and that was what kept us going. To this day I still can't point to an exact cause of our breakup; it just crumbled apart till I woke up and found it not there anymore. Nevertheless, I have nothing ill to speak of him and we are on good terms, albeit on a lower level of closeness. This is probably the only letter I have left that came from him; all the others were burned in an act of closure and commitment to move on. I haven't heard from him lately and neither has he replied to invitations from our mutual friends to meet again and catch up on each other. All I hear from friends who see him once in a while is that he has gained a few pounds and appears to be happy. I sincerely hope he is. Happy, I mean. :)

So many things have happened since that retreat; some people and things I hold dearest now barely mattered then, while a few remain to be important yet don't quite tip the scales the same way. Looking back, I realise how my crises then seemed bigger then they were; it comforts me to find that my problems today won't matter as much in the future too. Amazing how a sleepleess night that revived old memories could bring so much insight.

Friday, January 14, 2005

forgetful jones

I have resolved to help myself and admit that I tend to forget vital points in my work and will set up a reminder log. Dati kasi parang iniisip ko kaya ko naman kahit walang mga little notes pero talagang ang daming mga na-overlook at hindi ko na kaya yung stress when I fail to complete a task. Hopefully it'll really get the momentum of my workflow glitch-free.

Don't you just hate it sometimes when you start things right then just because you missed a step everything seems to fall apart and you don't want to do them anymore? I think this is my biggest problem -- and the biggest reason why I don't finish tasks earlier than I should.

Honestly, I have moments when I doubt my psychological balance, especially when I'm faced with tweaks in the system of doing things. Sa simula talagang I do the task with zeal, then when something just doesn't work out right (i.e., the client i'm calling isn't at home and can't be contacted, or the forms miss one signature), parang nagkaka-A.D.D. ako (note walang H, I'm still quite slow in my movements pero not in the same task) tapos talagang ayoko nang balikan yung una kong ginagawa...tuloy, naiiwan lang siyang incomplete hanggang sa makalimutan ko na siya. Then time passes by so quickly that I don't feel it's been a while and the task becomes a threat to my work performance at crucial na dapat siyang matapos at mas sumakit na yung ulo ko kaysa kung talagang tinapos ko na lang siya the moment I left it idle.

I didn't use to forget things like names, birthdays or duties as often or as easily as I do now, and I'm certainly not at an age where this deficiency is common. I'm not taking illegal drugs either or significantly infusing my blood with damaging chemicals. Is it the stress? I'm not even too stressed lately. If this is my brain's idea of taking a vacation leave I hope it'll use up its credits soon and get back to work like it used to!

Wednesday, January 12, 2005


When was the last time I took time out to repeat a song over and over again so I could take down the lyrics? I believe I had about 2 cds then and tons of cassette tapes that I paused, rewound and played till I got the words of a current favorite. Then lyrics.com was born -- and was subsequently closed. Soon other lyric-lending websites sprouted from every searchable keyword in the web. And I lost interest in doing it myself and opted to just read, laugh at mistakes sometimes, or print out the legit words I probably wouldn't be able to ear out of my mini-component.

But that was also the end of memorizing songs altogether; I think I could barely get to stanza 2 of any post-90s song without pausing to remember the lyrics...then from lyrics, it became names, then tasks, then reports that never reach my boss.

Ang saya ko. Nakahanap na naman ng ibang sisisihin sa paghina ng memory.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

what a day

Today I had an extremely difficult day at work...it was so bad I had to take a drag ( and then some).

I had this client whose bank account bordered on the minimum balance of the top bracket (and barely made a dent in our portfolio anyway) who called and asked for her chequebook which was ordered yesterday. I told her it wasn't available yet and advised it would probably be here by mid-afternoon. She called again around 1pm and said she was expecting her order to be delivered before lunch; I told her it still wasn't in the batch received around that time. By then she was already pissed and told me whe made a commitment to her contractor and she needed to issue a cheque right away. She grated chalk on the board when she told me that I committed myself to deliver her chequebook today (which I didn't do, by the way) and proceeded to treat me with such insolence by insisting that I comply with her request asap!

Aba naman, the orders are placed in the branch but picked up from the main office in makati. At ang maganda nanggaling na yung messenger namin mula sa makati at hindi nakuha yung order!!! He got back by 4pm and we promised it would be here by 4pm...AND we insisted on having another messenger to send the said chequebook so it could reach us before the bank closes dahil baka naman magalit pa lalo yung client...good luck na lang sa pagdala diba?!? Anyway akala ko naman ok na dahil tinawagan ng officer namin and the client said she'll just get it tomorrow morning. But nooo, I called her again to tell her it would be delayed and she said, "Never mind, you gave me a false hope that I'll get it soon so I told my contractor to come back tomorrow." DO WE REALLY?!?!?

Then I left my charger at home and had it sent from the house to the office dahil dead batt na ako, only to find a few hours later that I couldn't turn on my freaking cellphone dahil apparently nasira yung battery dahil wrong charger model! Ito yung nokia 6150 na binili ko sa tutuban...I canvassed for cost of a new battery around here and found out it would be arnd PHP250-PHP350....ang ganda talaga.

Haay. More to come.