Thursday, October 28, 2004

this crazy love of mine

I was at Coffee Beanery with my officemates for an after-work break and one of them noticed I didn't appear too jolly today. I said it's my PMS that's giving me the blues and oftentimes this gloominess gets me into long, seemingly petty but nevertheless critical arguments with p. I don't know how it starts but I'm definitely aware that it usually occurs around this time of the month, and, sure enough, it happened again tonight.

It started as plainly as a rundown of events that happened in the office/hospital, complicated by a stream of extremely corny (and unacknowledged) jokes from me that got me tired and irritated, and finally resulted in a heated battle of best (or worst?) one-liners we could ever hurl at each other. Well, I really did feel bad after about 5 moments of painful silence just because he didn't react to any of my jokes, and, I kid you not, it really came one after the other. Ang kulit ko kasi, akala ko mababawi ko at mapapatawa ko siya after the last corny anecdote -- but nooo!!! He didn't budge!!!

I fully understood that he doesn't have to laugh at my jokes and it doesn't follow that he's not happy with me if I'm not funny at any particular time that I'm trying to be (phew ang gulo ko), but it DID hurt that he didn't say anything at all (I was expecting even a sarcastic laugh or a "Nye, corny" comment). I felt like a senator auditioning for Saturday Night Live. And just a few hours ago I was with a bunch of people who hee-hawed at whatever outrageous idea came spurting out of my mouth!

So pinanindigan ko na ang sama ng loob ko and I went on feeling bad about myself, and about how I couldn't make p laugh, which proceeded to me thinking that I wasn't making him happy, and me being insecure about how other girls' (i.e. classmates/housemates) jokes merit a chuckle from him. Shallow, yes, but it still mattered to me because I do believe that it was humor that first brought us together. I remember snickering with him in college at a teacher's joke from a previous session, and how great it felt to know we sort of isolated ourselves at that very moment into a world that was exclusively for our enjoyment. We would remember it years after and still smile at the thought. Tonight I began recalling when the last time was that I really make him laugh -- and I couldn't remember anything recent.

Of course it ended with us patching things up -- but only after an hour of sour words that ranged from self-pity to swallowed pride. At the end, p was more exhausted than relieved that it was resolved, and said, "lagi na lang ganito, pinalalaki muna yung problema bago inaayos."

Napaisip ako. Aba, oo nga naman, pinatagal-tagal pa tapos back to normal lang naman. But isn't it in the long process of unravelling a ball of yarn that its purpose is met? We can't go from the first chapter to the last without going through everything in between (including the bad chapters), right? So with that I told him to just be grateful that it's over....

(to be continued)

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

swing your robe down low

I was listening to Caedmon's Call's Love Alone yesterday for sentimental reasons when a random thought came to me as I paid attention to the lyrics. All this time I thought the song was about reciprocating love to a special person.; it turns out it was about helplessness in a world of pain and suffering (how far off the point could i get?) -- and the grace of God that is essential to keep the world going. I suddenly remembered Amor, one of the scrunchie girls in UP whom I thought I could make a difference to better her future, and I felt a bit disappointed in myself for not being influential enough for her to see her through all her experiences and dreams.

Yet God is telling me through disappointing moments like these that we are all helpless, and at some point, we all get into pathetic situations, which we cannot get out of unless we place complete trust in Him. It sucks trying to be Superman when you don't have superhuman powers to change the world, but there is One who Is.

strangers in every way...

it's such a glorious feeling to know that there's more to discover about someone even after being together for quite some time now. it's like opening your eyes on the first morning of your summer vacation and you catch yourself murmuring "no more classes, no more books, no more teacher's dirty looks, yahoo!! summertime, summertime, when all little kids get naughty again; naughty..." -- teka ang haba na ata nun ah.

i watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the second time, this time on dvd at home with p, the only one i think whom i could enjoy watching it with (the first time was in galleria and my friend was complaining about skipping All My Life for this "crappy" movie -- wha?), and, well, i cried all over again at the same scenes, for the same reasons...and i mean i really cried, not only wept, but sobbed and sniffed and wailed!

for a moment, p probably began to wonder why i reacted so much to the film; and my over-zealous justifications might only have reinforced notions of parallel real-life situations that are best left in the dark. perhaps he got the idea and never asked. what would i be able to say anyway if he indeed asked?

apart from the "safe" interpretation that i already told him about, what i gathered from watching the film was a feeling of normalcy after knowing your partner inside and out, which is not as bright as the deliriously exciting first two months of a budding romance, yet not as dull as a routinary morning in a 10-year marriage. it's the realisation that it's not always going to be happy (inasmuch as it woun't always be sad) but it will always be good. both of us won't be putting our best foot forward all the time but it's what will keep us steady.

when we reached a pivotal point in our relationship when we began to measure how far we've gone or if we've become better or worse than we were when we were still alone, i realised that it's the memories that guided my decision to stay. more than the bickering, the dropped calls and the slammed doors, i cherished the stargazing, the meaningful glances, even the way he irritatingly peels a clove of garlic for more than five minutes just so he could show me his progress in his cooking skills. these are scenes i don't want to delete from the tv show of my life, and these are the episodes that guarantee an extension of another season!

4 years to some is a very long time; for others, it's barely the beginning. for p and me, it's getting closer to each other's core, and we're not hurrying ourselves to get there. Ü

Monday, October 25, 2004

always,always running...

..though i'm not much of a runner.

It happens all the time, when I feel like I have all the time in the world to do what I want, I fix my schedule to free up more time, then I "prepare myself" for the event by taking a bath, having dinner earlier than usual, watch tv, then get excited about what to do first, and then, suddenly,

I'm out of time.

Nice, isn't it?

Sure enough, right now, I'm hurriedly finishing this post so I could go to recording. And all day I've been thinking about writing.

And off I go.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004


this is a test. a what? a test. a what? a test. oh, a test!