Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I could go crazy on a night like tonight...

Maybe it was the large coffee I had from Dunkin' Donuts, or the exhilaration of finally getting a new pc monitor and installing it tonight. (And the dread of the coming due date of my ballooning credit card balance.)

It could also be the fact that I'm commemorating so many special days for the past and in the coming days.

Or, it's because the end of the month is near and reaching my quota is almost a reality but could still slip from my hands.

Whatever it is, I am again at a period of reckoning. It is not so much as deciding -- where to go, what to do or whom to cherish -- as it is admitting to myself and to everyone that choices have already been made.

Soon, it seems only appropriate for me to lose the right to stay in my youth. Twentysomethings are understandably fickle, dependent, zealous and pretty much the same as they were in their teens. Awkwardly, people of this age are also groomed to take on new responsibilities, and to act like adults. I'd like to think of it as "act" being the operative word, as in portraying a role distinct from the person one truly is.

It's overwhelming to realise that as I reach 30, it is expected of me not to just act, but, more importantly, to be an adult. I've attempted to mature as quickly as necessarily possible, albeit clumsily. Mistakes which could have been forgivable a few years back are now downright embarrassing to commit, and I feel that at some point I should have something of substance to show for myself.

Someone thought about that too right here. Has "thirtysomething" turned into "thirtynothing"? Tell me if you agree with it or not :)

The thing is, I could go on and on with a litany of things I have not yet accomplished, but it will not speak of who I have become. Some days I rouse from slumber, complaining in my head about how I got here or why I'm still here, but most days I wake up just feeling grateful to be here (and to be here with you), because for the longest time I had been wandering aimlessly along a path I did not carve myself, one that was thought to come naturally for a person growing up. Somewhere along this path, I discovered self-reinvention, found a ticket to inspiration, and took a roadtrip to a twisted, blindsided highway. I can't say I haven't looked back since, but I sure could declare I'm better off here than where I used to be. How it is for me to be more sure of myself while I am at my most unfamiliar, is, indeed, a mystery.

Ok, the caffeine is wearing off. Time to reacquaint myself with my bed lest it refuse me as an intruder... ;P