Sunday, June 26, 2005

By the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone

I've often mentioned (and pondered upon in silence) that there are ties that have to be broken in order for someone to grow and move on. You may as well know I've had my share of these -- some of which died a natural death, with a few that entailed a lot of painful effort to let go of. Still I struggled and eventually accepted the fact that the world does not revolve around me, and life goes on and even gets better.

But every once in a while scenes play in my idle mind, of days shared with those friends I have left behind. As I close my eyes I find myself immersed in those moments...all of a sudden I'm back there awkwardly playing basketball in the high school court with her, I'm hearing his nervous voice over the phone at 10AM saying "good evening", she's holding my hand at the bleachers telling me "no goodbyes", he does an Amelie and I'm
stunned and there's no time to react adversely as I look into his lovely eyes as he leaves without a word, and I laugh when he stops his car in the middle of the road and looks at me as though he's caught with his pants down.

These five episodes I remember most, and I can't help but miss, because I know they have all gone. Not that I'm lonely, which I'm far from being; and not that they can't be contacted (as a matter of fact they're pretty much still around my social circle) -- it's the indifference in reality that sometimes stumps me.

Lately I've gotten in touch with two of them on separate occasions, and, well, it feels strange to find that they want to make up for lost time; honestly, I don't know if I want to, too. Last time I tried that I just blabbed nonstop and felt like I was talking to a wall -- it just didn't seem natural to me anymore, and I'm sure the other felt the same. But on the way home I remember again how it used to be, and it's such a shock for me to realise how I've managed not to feel anything anymore after all that.

After conditioning one's self to breaking ties and moving on, how does one entertain a sincere invitation to renewal? Is it right to say, "I'm sorry, I wish I could, but I can't"?


timoune said...
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timoune said...

i understand what you mean. i don't know your kuwento but i understand you. i, too, have had my share of moments when i had to keep my silence despite the all the noise and turbulence going on in my head and in my heart. i guess when we become older, we realize that there are just things we just have to do or have not do. ::sigh::