Friday, March 25, 2005

sometimes i wonder where i've been...

Why didn't I find out about this blog thing at the same time my other friends did? I feel kinda lonely writing to myself knowing that there are only about 3 people who know this exists: Person #1 who reads every now and then (but actually knows the story pre-published and unabridged); Person #2 who got the link from Person #1 and probably didn't visit more than twice; and Person #3 who just knows it exists but doesn't bother visiting.

I've been looking at other people's blogs -- some of them by acquaintances; some by complete strangers. All of a sudden it feels like late 2003 when I registered to Friendster and had about 12 friends under my account while others' were close to 200. Like a blast of urban NLEX breeze I felt dizzy and wanted to sleep the loneliness away.

I just may have lost my old friends.

I think I distanced myself too far for me to grow up with the buddies I had in high school (even college), and now that I get to read about their lives I begin to wonder if I could spend more than 10 minutes with any one of them without feeling a bit queasy. I know nothing about chamber music or bestselling novels, my poetry sucks, I've never joined a charity/volunteer group, can't relate to the toxicity of med school, got no juicy illicit love affairs (don't get me wrong, I'm totally satisfied with my lovelife), and I think I've stayed pretty much the same after a decade while all my friends have made spectacular progress in their lives.

Of course there are a few whom I have managed to keep in touch with and still get to talk to; pero syempre andun yung kalungkutan na dulot ng pagkakatuklas na mayroong mga taong maaaring nakalimot na sa akin o sa pinagsamahan namin, tulad ng mga kaibigang nangibang-bansa na, ang mga kapitbahay na nagsisipag-asawa na, o ang pangkat na nakakabangon na kahit wala ako.

Buti na lang naisipan kong magbasa ng email kanina at nataong may pinadala sa yahoogroups ang isang dating kaklase -- isang panalangin, na humihiling sa Panginoon ng katatagan ng loob sa gitna ng pag-iisa, pagkabigo o pagtalikod ng iba. Naroon din ang pagsusumamo na matutunang gustuhing unahin ang kapakanan ng iba bago ang sa sarili.

Naalala ko na naman nung minsan kaming nag-usap ni Daddy. Sabi niya, hindi na siya mapaghinanakit ngayon sapagkat malaki na ang kanyang puso. Sa kanyang katandaan naunawaan na niyang kahina-hinayang ang nalalabing araw niya rito sa mundo kung hahayaan niyang maghari ang sama ng loob sa kanya; kung kaya't minabuti na niyang magmahal at magbigay nang hindi na naghahanap ng pansin.

Siguro nga'y musmos pa ako sapagkat mahalaga pa rin sa akin ang makatanggap ng panukli sa ibinibigay kong pagtingin sa iba; at ako'y madaling nagdaramdam kapag nalalaman kong hindi ko na makilala ang kinagisnang buhay ng aking mga kababata.

Sana hindi na lang ako matampuhin. My loneliness is killing me...(insert Britney clip here)

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sobra ka naman, ako nababasa ko LAHAT ng entries mo.

Ang sagot lang sa lahat diyan is to be an RSS advocate.

RSS allows you to aggregate content from different sites (e.g. blogs) and just post them to your RSS-client (which has a striking resemblance to email)

Even convinced GP to get on the bandwagon just recently.

more info here: http://www.nargalzius.com/blog/archives/2004/08/2004_08_20_0036AM.php

- carlo

tea_n_sympathy said...

never really bothered to email out my blog address before my dog died...so this ranting is obsolete. now i'm worried about writing things that other people shouldn't be reading about me...wahaha feeling. pero salamat =)

sabi ni jowi nag-work nung nilagay ko yung "syndicate this site" to get updates from my blog's feed to hers. ito rin yun diba? =)