Sabay Sa Ihip ng Hangin - click to view lyrics

Being active in a choir for liturgical activities for the past 10 years or so, I've found myself imposing my own religious traditions for the two busiest Catholic observances -- Advent/Christmas and Lent/Easter. I've struggled to complete the Advent novena from Dec 16-24 (Simbang Gabi) almost every year not only because I'd be a singer or instrumentalist for the liturgy but also because I'd be caught up in the whirlwind of excitement of my choirmates who braved the cold December mornings (4:00 AM!!!) and walked or carpooled like schoolchildren from their homes to church -- and back, armed with bibingka and puto bumbong to share with the lazy family members who decided to forego the mass and sleep a bit more.

Holy Week would be the counterpart of Advent's 9-mass ritual during Lent for me. I recall a few years back when we had choir practices from Holy Monday-Wednesday for the Triduum masses headed by the seminarians at our parish's in-house formation center, then participate in various activities in remembrance of Christ's passion and death. These would include Stations of the Cross along the village roads, our family's Pabasa/Pasyon, Visita Iglesia, and looong masses and processsions from Maundy Thursday to Black Saturday. All throughout this week, I would avoid using the phone for anything other than coordinating choir schedules, and would deliberately disconnect my cable TV. At the end of the Easter Vigil mass, we'd go to the seminary's backyard and hide plastic eggs in preparation for the kiddie Easter egghunt, then go back home to rest for a few hours before marching again to the village streets and witness the Salubong before Easter dawn, have breakfast, and finally give food and goodies to the children who eagerly and patiently searched the entire seminary field of prize-laden eggs. It seems like I practically wouldn't have slept from Good Friday to Easter Sunday, but it wasn't much of a bother. It was my tradition, my own ritual.

This year's Holy Week, I didn't join any parish activity because I chose to participate in Hangad's own Triduum duties (masses, Stations of the Cross) in Ateneo. I didn't go to the Salubong for the first time in 10 years. And there wasn't any kiddie Easter egghunt because the church apparently had construction ongoing at the seminary's back field (uh-huh, right. at least that's what they said). And because my 24/7 load would be expiring by Black Saturday, I chose to forego my telebabad sacrifice altogether, as well as allowing myself to watch non-Lenten shows on cable TV.

Come to think of it, I wasn't that active either for the Advent/Christmas parish events last 2004.

I realised I had been following and complying with these rituals and failed to remember the reason why I started them in the first place. It came so automatically for me to be there all the time that I wasn't there for the right reasons anymore. It then dawned on me that I no longer found such activities helpful for my own spiritual reflection. And I discovered I was able to ponder on my faith even amidst the nonchalance of daily life.

Yet somehow, there remains a part of me that wishes to find meaning again in those practices I chose to let go of. Maybe I will find it again, not in a whirlwind of excitement as it was in years past, but in the soft whisper of a breeze inviting me to come home.

our Jimmy Boy (seen here playfully posing for the camera at home) passed away just this morning. everyone (even Dad and Mom) mourn the loss of such a lively soul whose cheery face and bubbly disposition brightened the darkest of evenings and the bleakest mornings. he is survived by his mom, Lucky; his twin brother, Paquito; his uncles, Java and Ampon; and a father he never met. hope you can spare a moment to pray and thank the Lord for blessing our lives with such a wonderful pet even for just a while. 

sometimes i wonder where i've been...

Why didn't I find out about this blog thing at the same time my other friends did? I feel kinda lonely writing to myself knowing that there are only about 3 people who know this exists: Person #1 who reads every now and then (but actually knows the story pre-published and unabridged); Person #2 who got the link from Person #1 and probably didn't visit more than twice; and Person #3 who just knows it exists but doesn't bother visiting.

I've been looking at other people's blogs -- some of them by acquaintances; some by complete strangers. All of a sudden it feels like late 2003 when I registered to Friendster and had about 12 friends under my account while others' were close to 200. Like a blast of urban NLEX breeze I felt dizzy and wanted to sleep the loneliness away.

I just may have lost my old friends.

I think I distanced myself too far for me to grow up with the buddies I had in high school (even college), and now that I get to read about their lives I begin to wonder if I could spend more than 10 minutes with any one of them without feeling a bit queasy. I know nothing about chamber music or bestselling novels, my poetry sucks, I've never joined a charity/volunteer group, can't relate to the toxicity of med school, got no juicy illicit love affairs (don't get me wrong, I'm totally satisfied with my lovelife), and I think I've stayed pretty much the same after a decade while all my friends have made spectacular progress in their lives.

Of course there are a few whom I have managed to keep in touch with and still get to talk to; pero syempre andun yung kalungkutan na dulot ng pagkakatuklas na mayroong mga taong maaaring nakalimot na sa akin o sa pinagsamahan namin, tulad ng mga kaibigang nangibang-bansa na, ang mga kapitbahay na nagsisipag-asawa na, o ang pangkat na nakakabangon na kahit wala ako.

Buti na lang naisipan kong magbasa ng email kanina at nataong may pinadala sa yahoogroups ang isang dating kaklase -- isang panalangin, na humihiling sa Panginoon ng katatagan ng loob sa gitna ng pag-iisa, pagkabigo o pagtalikod ng iba. Naroon din ang pagsusumamo na matutunang gustuhing unahin ang kapakanan ng iba bago ang sa sarili.

Naalala ko na naman nung minsan kaming nag-usap ni Daddy. Sabi niya, hindi na siya mapaghinanakit ngayon sapagkat malaki na ang kanyang puso. Sa kanyang katandaan naunawaan na niyang kahina-hinayang ang nalalabing araw niya rito sa mundo kung hahayaan niyang maghari ang sama ng loob sa kanya; kung kaya't minabuti na niyang magmahal at magbigay nang hindi na naghahanap ng pansin.

Siguro nga'y musmos pa ako sapagkat mahalaga pa rin sa akin ang makatanggap ng panukli sa ibinibigay kong pagtingin sa iba; at ako'y madaling nagdaramdam kapag nalalaman kong hindi ko na makilala ang kinagisnang buhay ng aking mga kababata.

Sana hindi na lang ako matampuhin. My loneliness is killing me...(insert Britney clip here)

"this is the one thing...

...the one thing that I know":

i was swept away by jars of clay.

jars of play-doh

kainis. gusto ko pa namang manood ng jars of clay but no, i think i shouldn't spend my negative savings on it (my salary has been devoured by my car's amortization before i even get it from the atm). besides, the one person i want to watch it with just texted me today and told me she's been delinquent with rehearsals for an upcoming concert (not Hangad's -- though if you're interested WATCH HANGAD'S ALBUM LAUNCH 7PM FEB27 at GESU hehehe plugging na naman), so she begged off na rin. P's not too interested I think because he said no already prior to checking his schedule...haaaay nako!

di bale na nga. i don't know all their songs by heart anyway so i just might look like a ditz trying to follow the lyrics if ever that they'd ask the audience to sing...*sigh*

and i guess i've outgrown alternative christian music for quite some time now -- perhaps due to the fact that i've outgrown my own church band. bumabalik na ata ako sa crossover jazz roots ko ah...other than that, it's francis brew's playlist that's keeping me preoccupied. hmm...may blog kaya siya? sometimes i think about going to another gig and approach him again and this time have the guts to EXCHANGE NUMBERS. ibang klase kasi talagang lahat ng patugtugin niya gusto ko, tapos nakakatawa pa siya!!! magsama sila nina jessica zafra at sting sa fantasy barkada ko...

teka nga i'd better sleep. got a LOOOONG day ahead of me. tech rehearsal na before concert!!!!!

Daddy

this is actually a spiel for an upcoming concert (insert shameless plug here). better have it published as my sister and I will be doing a shorter version live.

******

Si Daddy, pag nagsalita ‘yan, akala mo laging galit sa mundo kasi ang lakas ng boses. His harsh words, to the unaccustomed ear, may seem hurtful but we, his family, have come to accept them as mere expressions of fleeting bursts of emotion that don’t mean harm. Every morning he calls my name, or Joy’s, three times in different tones (insert sample here) that sometimes elicit an irritated “Po?!?!? Bakit po?!?!” or even an impolite “Ano?!?!?” from the daughter who has been roused from deep sleep. Our household help get a daily scolding from him with every mistake or forgotten task that makes one shudder at the thought of ever committing the same mistake again. Like a corps commander, he makes a roll call every mealtime and will not stop until you abandon whatever it is you may be doing so we could all eat together. At sa gabi, bago matulog, ang ka-OC-han sa bahay, talagang walang magnanakaw na pwedeng pumasok sa dami ng beses niyang i-che-check kung naikandado na lahat ng pintuan at sufficient na ang ilaw. You may as well say that every member (pati inanimate object) of the house is up and about primarily because of Daddy, which is a good thing because we get to see that everything and everyone are in order, are accounted for and meet his standards. Kaso minsan talaga may pagkakataon na gusto na lang naming tahimik sa bahay for once.

A few years back, Ate Celia invited Daddy to spend Christmas with her and her family in Boston. With a little reluctance on our part, he left in December of that year for the US to take a 3-week vacation with them. And while he stayed there, our house suddenly became quiet since we all went about our tasks without anyone giving orders. Then Christmas Eve came, and it was Noche Buena time. My mom, brother, Joy and I were gathered at the table and ate quietly with nothing but a few funny one-liners or the clanging of silverware against the china here and there to break the silence. It was then that Joy suddenly remarked, “Sana nandito si Daddy. Masyadong tahimik dito, ang lungkot tuloy,” which brought tears to our eyes. Yes, we missed the racket our Dad made when he complains about the cold soup, when he would holler for an extra plate, when he proudly exclaims how good the ham is. Somehow, the deafening silence that befell us that night brought not peace but loneliness.

Dad came home a bit after New Year’s and things at home went back to their normal, albeit mildly chaotic state. To this day, he still wakes the entire household to its feet and we must admit that it still gets to our nerves sometimes, but Joy and I have come to embrace it because we wouldn’t have it any other way. We want all that noise if it means breathing zeal into our home and giving us a feeling that someone is making sure we are all alright – and is shouting it to the world! Our hearts go out to this very outspoken father of ours who tells everything as it is, and we know that his kakulitan is a testimony to his unconditional love for all of us – a love that fiercely proclaims its might and its truth.

stay awake

I was having a case of insomnia last week and decided to dig up my old palancas from my DWTL. Not a few letters kept me amused that evening. I was particularly engrossed in reading those from my sister, my best friend and an old flame.

My sister's palanca was such a delight to read as it was just a bunch of nonsensical nostalgia exclusive to us two! It was a feat to keep my laughter muffled throughout the night and not rouse her in our room with her kajologan that only she could pull with confident humor...at the same time it was comforting to realise that she and I are friends close enough to be sisters, and sisters indeed that are close enough to be called friends.

My best friend's letter startled me a bit as I almost imagined her suddenly appearing in front of me and rattling off in her usual pessimistic voice about how difficult life is but how great it is to live nonetheless (and I thought she started complaining as a habit only in our post-college years...). But it was a revelation of sorts when she implored me to not leave her, which she wrote every so often in that letter. I feel that was when our drifting apart started kicking in; we started going out with other friends in our last year of high school, but were too busy to mind how alienated we have been to each other. I could almost feel her arm hooking to mine as she used to in school corridors, begging me to stay with her until her mom picked her up (knowing very well my driver was already waiting in the parking lot). She wrote about finishing my iced tea during recess time; I remembered how it was and how my barkada used to drink from my water jug and leave nothing for me (which probably reinforced my habit of not drinking enough fluids!). She also disclosed how tiring it was to keep laughing and making people laugh because that's how people knew your personality to be and you couldn't exactly afford to be quiet and not be left alone; and how I was one of the few she could be her true, imperfect, unhappy self. Over the years she has mastered the art of keeping her emotions to herself and/or translating these frustrations into petty vices and managed to go through each time without having to divulge anything to me; we barely call each other up (in stark contrast to our telebabad phase which infamously disturbed every exam week); and perhaps, we have outgrown the need to stick to a single best friend. We both have other people who probably know more of ourselves right now, but what remains is the memory of knowing who we used to be and the longing to look back on those times with someone who understands how we were then. I decided to email her after this and we've started sending letters (albeit the electronic way) again.

My ex (who was my boyfriend at the time) wrote the sweetest letter for me. He was vacationing in another country then and sent an email to me that served as his palanca. It had none of the bitterness that we both felt a few months into our relationship's demise; it was at its peak, we were in love, we were contented, we believed so much in what we had and that was what kept us going. To this day I still can't point to an exact cause of our breakup; it just crumbled apart till I woke up and found it not there anymore. Nevertheless, I have nothing ill to speak of him and we are on good terms, albeit on a lower level of closeness. This is probably the only letter I have left that came from him; all the others were burned in an act of closure and commitment to move on. I haven't heard from him lately and neither has he replied to invitations from our mutual friends to meet again and catch up on each other. All I hear from friends who see him once in a while is that he has gained a few pounds and appears to be happy. I sincerely hope he is. Happy, I mean. :)

So many things have happened since that retreat; some people and things I hold dearest now barely mattered then, while a few remain to be important yet don't quite tip the scales the same way. Looking back, I realise how my crises then seemed bigger then they were; it comforts me to find that my problems today won't matter as much in the future too. Amazing how a sleepleess night that revived old memories could bring so much insight.

forgetful jones

I have resolved to help myself and admit that I tend to forget vital points in my work and will set up a reminder log. Dati kasi parang iniisip ko kaya ko naman kahit walang mga little notes pero talagang ang daming mga na-overlook at hindi ko na kaya yung stress when I fail to complete a task. Hopefully it'll really get the momentum of my workflow glitch-free.

Don't you just hate it sometimes when you start things right then just because you missed a step everything seems to fall apart and you don't want to do them anymore? I think this is my biggest problem -- and the biggest reason why I don't finish tasks earlier than I should.

Honestly, I have moments when I doubt my psychological balance, especially when I'm faced with tweaks in the system of doing things. Sa simula talagang I do the task with zeal, then when something just doesn't work out right (i.e., the client i'm calling isn't at home and can't be contacted, or the forms miss one signature), parang nagkaka-A.D.D. ako (note walang H, I'm still quite slow in my movements pero not in the same task) tapos talagang ayoko nang balikan yung una kong ginagawa...tuloy, naiiwan lang siyang incomplete hanggang sa makalimutan ko na siya. Then time passes by so quickly that I don't feel it's been a while and the task becomes a threat to my work performance at crucial na dapat siyang matapos at mas sumakit na yung ulo ko kaysa kung talagang tinapos ko na lang siya the moment I left it idle.

I didn't use to forget things like names, birthdays or duties as often or as easily as I do now, and I'm certainly not at an age where this deficiency is common. I'm not taking illegal drugs either or significantly infusing my blood with damaging chemicals. Is it the stress? I'm not even too stressed lately. If this is my brain's idea of taking a vacation leave I hope it'll use up its credits soon and get back to work like it used to!

lyrics

When was the last time I took time out to repeat a song over and over again so I could take down the lyrics? I believe I had about 2 cds then and tons of cassette tapes that I paused, rewound and played till I got the words of a current favorite. Then lyrics.com was born -- and was subsequently closed. Soon other lyric-lending websites sprouted from every searchable keyword in the web. And I lost interest in doing it myself and opted to just read, laugh at mistakes sometimes, or print out the legit words I probably wouldn't be able to ear out of my mini-component.

But that was also the end of memorizing songs altogether; I think I could barely get to stanza 2 of any post-90s song without pausing to remember the lyrics...then from lyrics, it became names, then tasks, then reports that never reach my boss.

Ang saya ko. Nakahanap na naman ng ibang sisisihin sa paghina ng memory.

what a day

Today I had an extremely difficult day at work...it was so bad I had to take a drag ( and then some).

I had this client whose bank account bordered on the minimum balance of the top bracket (and barely made a dent in our portfolio anyway) who called and asked for her chequebook which was ordered yesterday. I told her it wasn't available yet and advised it would probably be here by mid-afternoon. She called again around 1pm and said she was expecting her order to be delivered before lunch; I told her it still wasn't in the batch received around that time. By then she was already pissed and told me whe made a commitment to her contractor and she needed to issue a cheque right away. She grated chalk on the board when she told me that I committed myself to deliver her chequebook today (which I didn't do, by the way) and proceeded to treat me with such insolence by insisting that I comply with her request asap!

Aba naman, the orders are placed in the branch but picked up from the main office in makati. At ang maganda nanggaling na yung messenger namin mula sa makati at hindi nakuha yung order!!! He got back by 4pm and we promised it would be here by 4pm...AND we insisted on having another messenger to send the said chequebook so it could reach us before the bank closes dahil baka naman magalit pa lalo yung client...good luck na lang sa pagdala diba?!? Anyway akala ko naman ok na dahil tinawagan ng officer namin and the client said she'll just get it tomorrow morning. But nooo, I called her again to tell her it would be delayed and she said, "Never mind, you gave me a false hope that I'll get it soon so I told my contractor to come back tomorrow." DO WE REALLY?!?!?

Then I left my charger at home and had it sent from the house to the office dahil dead batt na ako, only to find a few hours later that I couldn't turn on my freaking cellphone dahil apparently nasira yung battery dahil wrong charger model! Ito yung nokia 6150 na binili ko sa tutuban...I canvassed for cost of a new battery around here and found out it would be arnd PHP250-PHP350....ang ganda talaga.

Haay. More to come.

M.A. in office equipment troubleshooting and routine pc tinkering

Wonderful. I have just gone through a few friendsters' pages on my friends list and realised I'm connected to a lot of future doctors, lawyers and top corporate execs who've probably utilised their parents' investment on high tuition fees more efficiently than I. An officemate once expressed the same sad sentiment, telling me, "what we've done for the past 4 years while our batchmates were studying to be professionals was to hone our photocopying skills!"

I feel like I'm an illusion of success sometimes. My student pals tell me I'm lucky to be working in a mulitnational company and earning stable income, and truthfully I am grateful to God that I do have this job that pays me well; yet I always get to thinking that I may have not gone through college at all and still be able to perform my tasks in the same level of intelligence I'm in right now. Is a regular baccalaureate no more than a ticket to employment? Perhaps the only help it got me was to pass the entrance test...

Others go on to glaze my job with the prestige it appears to have. Believe me, there is nothing glorious about it. The parties and the special projects with the head of the company that I have previously covered are icing on a cardboard cake...though they were experiences that were a delight telling to family over dinner (to make them feel I'm doing an excellent job). But it is a long way to go before I really move up the corporate ladder, and it's disconcerting to find that there are some who get up there (or at least make more progress than most do) just because they're good at answering written tests but seems to lack the personality of a good leader. The company's closed-minded culture isn't helping either; one's prowess is dictated by conformity to age-old standards rather than the initiative to analyse why such standards exist or the boldness of ignoring such absurd control measures.

My first 3 years in the company I work for have completely turned my profile around. I was no longer a "people-oriented person" due to inexplicable and emotionally-destructive attitude differences; I was now seen as a technician who knew how to unjam papers in and change the toner of the photocopier, a computer whiz who knew how to install updated software before the I.T. guys could get on the elevator (heck, some of these so-called I.T. support guys even ask MY help in making programs work!), and as a credit card for the dept's expenses like birthday gifts or lunch take-out.

Despite my trooper attitude, though, I haven't come across those people as the "reliable" kind. This could be because I almost always fail to meet deadlines and shun assigned projects altogether when I don't feel like doing them. My, I'm becoming more spaced-out than my boyfriend! And I don't do it with the same "charm" that makes it more of a novelty than a flaw. For the longest time, I was attributing such light-headedness to departmental prejudice against me. Until I bombed at my new post at the branch.

During my 8-day leave the hidden mistakes and unsubmitted docs came into full view, and not a few clients were disappointed because of my oversight. Hopefully this won't hurt my good rapport with my new officemates and my boss, too...

Otherwise, I should file for a year of absence and start ironing out my life in the Himalayas.

Or maybe I should get that law/med degree.

bubbles in my thoughts

I'm feeling quite gloomy tonight. I had a drink and too much pizza with my officemates after work today because one of them had a bad day and wanted to go somewhere before going home. We shared a few laughs and a few serious moments and went home feeling normal naman, but somehow the grim atmosphere caught up with me when I found no one to talk to because everybody's asleep or out.

Maybe I should start writing to amidala. I don't understand it; we were never close but we're part of the same college group that still goes out once in a while...she appears to have a lot to share with me but we never get the opportunity to talk. I even wrote her on multiply and asked if we could catch up on each other during the next group dinner -- alas, that dinner turned out to be a 2.5 hour beerfest since my aunt had her lunch party extended to suppertime and I couldn't exactly just leave the house, being the dutiful daughter/niece that i am (though i did lock her out of our shared bathroom when i forgot to unlock the door on her room's side...*giggle*).
so i didn't get to talk to her again....how sad.

---break----

just finished writing to amidala on multiply. medyo malungkot yung post pero at least i finally got to let it out.

yay! green guy is home! he texted me this afternoon if i wanted to watch a movie in eastwood after his shift but it was just too late...hmm. maybe he got to ask scooter girl. ano kaya pinanood nila?

i'll sign out now to find out!

my mom is slowly opening my door...

...to tell me I should be helping out with the household chores. my aunt from australia has been in our house for about six days now and she's hosting a lunch party here; trouble is, we are maid-less and i had to skip my greenhills thing with shenzi to show my mom that i'm not insensitive (mind you, the reason i'm staying home is NOT really to help but to act like i'm willing to).

you know, sometimes i wish i weren't the dutiful, dependable daughter my parents think i am. that way, i'd have an excuse to skip chores, leave the house on a whim and be back at dawn like my brother. and hey, mom doesn't love him any less despite his "unreliability". on the contrary, i think he's even her favorite. i just hate it when she speaks in her forever-nagging tone to oblige me to help out -- i mean, come on! she dismissed my dad's request to have a breakfast party at home with his friends last july because there was just one maid to do everything, and now, she's on all fours for her sister who wants to brag OUR HOUSE to her friends ?!? naman.

she's been really twisted these past few days. mind you, within this month 3 household help have left us, and her constant nagging and complaining about inefficiency didn't really sound too tasty for them to stay.

at kung kailan naisipan ko nang magsulat saka siya papasok sa kwarto ko...maybe i should take a day off from work to remove my glass doors and replace my locks. i think i could do it. maybe it'll be my little project this season....or maybe i could call tim and ask him to teach me how to do carpentry stuff -- or did he only mention he had a friend who knew how? oh well. i've got a lot of reasons to call him anyway so i guess i should get in touch with him pretty soon. non-issue guy naman siya kaya ok lang.

hmm. should go out now and do something in the kitchen. i'll just think about the big chance of seeing p this afternoon (i invited him over tutal binawalan na akong lumakad ng nanay ko, ergo, the lakad will come to me!)...and that's reason enough for me to not get pissed today.

wraps around my heart

(cont'd from this crazy love of mine)

last friday i told p i set up my own blog; he reacted by saying, "wow. a journal. that anyone who's online could read..."

2 months ago that would be what i exactly felt about blogs -- but then again i figured i had a choice to disclose my blog to other people or not (of course, shenzi is a given), and i'm writing for myself and not for anyone else. di ko na pinatulan at baka kung saan na naman mapunta yung usapan.

we went to the cemetery today (which was surprisingly hassle-free, traffic-wise), and p and i didn't get a chance to talk to each other because he was on duty at fabella hospital. i wanted to call him and tell him about the newest family issue but i figured it would be better off to keep silent on stressful matters because his day is definitely stressful enough.

then i remembered what he said about overblowing problems before arriving at a solution, and i figured, maybe it's situations like these that he'd appreciate not hearing about anymore because it's a dead-end problem that one cannot act upon in any other way but passively (i.e., just wait for the other party to provide a solution for it). and i think about the times when i'd ask him if there was anything that bothered him, regardless of gravity or urgency, to which he'd respond negatively or say that he doesn't want to bother me with matters he could easily handle by himself.

of course, at times i'd feel isolated when he doesn't share his problems, but i haven't really gone beyond the surface and appreciate his efforts at minimizing creases in my life. come to think of it, if he told me every sad hospital story, we'd both be feeling so helpless and worthless and go further deeper into the muck of despair.
sus. ang bait pala nung ginagawa niya...

oh well. i should express my gratitude soon.

this crazy love of mine

I was at Coffee Beanery with my officemates for an after-work break and one of them noticed I didn't appear too jolly today. I said it's my PMS that's giving me the blues and oftentimes this gloominess gets me into long, seemingly petty but nevertheless critical arguments with p. I don't know how it starts but I'm definitely aware that it usually occurs around this time of the month, and, sure enough, it happened again tonight.

It started as plainly as a rundown of events that happened in the office/hospital, complicated by a stream of extremely corny (and unacknowledged) jokes from me that got me tired and irritated, and finally resulted in a heated battle of best (or worst?) one-liners we could ever hurl at each other. Well, I really did feel bad after about 5 moments of painful silence just because he didn't react to any of my jokes, and, I kid you not, it really came one after the other. Ang kulit ko kasi, akala ko mababawi ko at mapapatawa ko siya after the last corny anecdote -- but nooo!!! He didn't budge!!!

I fully understood that he doesn't have to laugh at my jokes and it doesn't follow that he's not happy with me if I'm not funny at any particular time that I'm trying to be (phew ang gulo ko), but it DID hurt that he didn't say anything at all (I was expecting even a sarcastic laugh or a "Nye, corny" comment). I felt like a senator auditioning for Saturday Night Live. And just a few hours ago I was with a bunch of people who hee-hawed at whatever outrageous idea came spurting out of my mouth!

So pinanindigan ko na ang sama ng loob ko and I went on feeling bad about myself, and about how I couldn't make p laugh, which proceeded to me thinking that I wasn't making him happy, and me being insecure about how other girls' (i.e. classmates/housemates) jokes merit a chuckle from him. Shallow, yes, but it still mattered to me because I do believe that it was humor that first brought us together. I remember snickering with him in college at a teacher's joke from a previous session, and how great it felt to know we sort of isolated ourselves at that very moment into a world that was exclusively for our enjoyment. We would remember it years after and still smile at the thought. Tonight I began recalling when the last time was that I really make him laugh -- and I couldn't remember anything recent.

Of course it ended with us patching things up -- but only after an hour of sour words that ranged from self-pity to swallowed pride. At the end, p was more exhausted than relieved that it was resolved, and said, "lagi na lang ganito, pinalalaki muna yung problema bago inaayos."

Napaisip ako. Aba, oo nga naman, pinatagal-tagal pa tapos back to normal lang naman. But isn't it in the long process of unravelling a ball of yarn that its purpose is met? We can't go from the first chapter to the last without going through everything in between (including the bad chapters), right? So with that I told him to just be grateful that it's over....

(to be continued)

swing your robe down low

I was listening to Caedmon's Call's Love Alone yesterday for sentimental reasons when a random thought came to me as I paid attention to the lyrics. All this time I thought the song was about reciprocating love to a special person.; it turns out it was about helplessness in a world of pain and suffering (how far off the point could i get?) -- and the grace of God that is essential to keep the world going. I suddenly remembered Amor, one of the scrunchie girls in UP whom I thought I could make a difference to better her future, and I felt a bit disappointed in myself for not being influential enough for her to see her through all her experiences and dreams.

Yet God is telling me through disappointing moments like these that we are all helpless, and at some point, we all get into pathetic situations, which we cannot get out of unless we place complete trust in Him. It sucks trying to be Superman when you don't have superhuman powers to change the world, but there is One who Is.

strangers in every way...

it's such a glorious feeling to know that there's more to discover about someone even after being together for quite some time now. it's like opening your eyes on the first morning of your summer vacation and you catch yourself murmuring "no more classes, no more books, no more teacher's dirty looks, yahoo!! summertime, summertime, when all little kids get naughty again; naughty..." -- teka ang haba na ata nun ah.

i watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the second time, this time on dvd at home with p, the only one i think whom i could enjoy watching it with (the first time was in galleria and my friend was complaining about skipping All My Life for this "crappy" movie -- wha?), and, well, i cried all over again at the same scenes, for the same reasons...and i mean i really cried, not only wept, but sobbed and sniffed and wailed!

for a moment, p probably began to wonder why i reacted so much to the film; and my over-zealous justifications might only have reinforced notions of parallel real-life situations that are best left in the dark. perhaps he got the idea and never asked. what would i be able to say anyway if he indeed asked?

apart from the "safe" interpretation that i already told him about, what i gathered from watching the film was a feeling of normalcy after knowing your partner inside and out, which is not as bright as the deliriously exciting first two months of a budding romance, yet not as dull as a routinary morning in a 10-year marriage. it's the realisation that it's not always going to be happy (inasmuch as it woun't always be sad) but it will always be good. both of us won't be putting our best foot forward all the time but it's what will keep us steady.

when we reached a pivotal point in our relationship when we began to measure how far we've gone or if we've become better or worse than we were when we were still alone, i realised that it's the memories that guided my decision to stay. more than the bickering, the dropped calls and the slammed doors, i cherished the stargazing, the meaningful glances, even the way he irritatingly peels a clove of garlic for more than five minutes just so he could show me his progress in his cooking skills. these are scenes i don't want to delete from the tv show of my life, and these are the episodes that guarantee an extension of another season!

4 years to some is a very long time; for others, it's barely the beginning. for p and me, it's getting closer to each other's core, and we're not hurrying ourselves to get there. Ü

always,always running...

..though i'm not much of a runner.

It happens all the time, when I feel like I have all the time in the world to do what I want, I fix my schedule to free up more time, then I "prepare myself" for the event by taking a bath, having dinner earlier than usual, watch tv, then get excited about what to do first, and then, suddenly,

I'm out of time.

Nice, isn't it?

Sure enough, right now, I'm hurriedly finishing this post so I could go to recording. And all day I've been thinking about writing.

And off I go.

er...

this is a test. a what? a test. a what? a test. oh, a test!