day of valor

After going to the hospital today to have lunch with Dad and family, I drove to run some errands around Katipunan. I suddenly felt drawn to go to Loyola Memorial Park, remembering that the holiday today was because of Araw ng Kagitingan, which actually falls on April 9, my lola's birthday.

So off I went to brave the Marikina traffic and to pay a visit to, not just one, but 3 of my lolas at the park. I said my prayers, gave flowers I bought, and sat on the lawn in front of the tombstones. And I thanked them.

I thanked my birthday girl Lola Ima for showing us what valor truly meant, when she walked the Death March on her 18th birthday, alone, facing burnt remnants of where her home once stood in Cupang, Balanga, Bataan, and to rebuild it with her own hands, taking over the reins of her parents, and succeed in sending her brothers, including my maternal grandfather, to college and law school. She never stopped caring for her nieces and nephews (including my mom) as though they were own children even in her early 80s, for she never married or had kids. I remembered her displaying courage despite her senility in the last months of her life, and thanked her for teaching all of us how it is to serve, to love, to be selfless, to be family.

I thanked my grandmother Lola Letty for giving birth to my mom. My lola was like my mom, radiantly exuding beauty, poise and grace even when no one was looking. I prayed to her to look after my mom, because she has been staying at the hospital nonstop, fixing everything Dad needs, eating only after everyone has, and forgetting her own pain so she could soothe Dad's. I thanked her for the gift of music -- she and her sisters were the original showbiz singers in the family, having their own show on the radio. I admired her brave heart as she struggled to fight cancer while still faithfully attending my kuya's boys' choir concerts in her last days, and thanked her for instilling in her children her devotion to the Catholic faith, which has always been Mommy's source of strength.

Finally, I drove near the exit of the park and stopped by to greet Lola Bella. I failed to visit her on her birthday last month, and it was a bit early for her husband's birthday, the oft-mentioned Lolo Cenon. I thanked her for the time I shared with her at her house, when she'd ask me if I had eaten already and if I had a ride home. I prayed in gratitude for the warmth of her daughter's continued concern for me and my family. And I thanked her for the gift of a great love that I will never forget. Her life has inspired me to embrace loss -- not to be crippled, but to allow room to give more.

I left the park and saw a familiar tree with yellow hanging blooms. April showers, my Dad called them. I smiled, knowing those three great women are smiling back at me as I pick up the pieces and rebuild my life. Tomorrow, we will begin preparing as Daddy's return to our home will be, hopefully, sometime this week already.

Truly, this day is a day of valor.

3 things off my bucket list...

i went jetskiing, paintballing and go-karting all in one day yesterday. FOR FREE!

pictures to follow!!!!

nowhere to go but up

What a week! So many things have happened the past few days, it's beginning to overshadow the events last March....

1. Dad braved through the operation and is gradually getting better (creatinine! mag-normal ka na pwede ba?!?!)
2. The world's local branch (hehe) transferred to a new building along Quezon Avenue nearer Edsa right before Isuzu. *shameless plug*: we're offering FREE brewed coffee and pastries every morning for those who visit us. more freebies: Kenneth Cole Reaction watc hes, wallet/key fob sets, black bank-branded umbrellas (alliteration fatale!), Sodex Ho Gift Certificates and a chance to win a slim TV if you avail of a card, loan or open a bank account!! Do drop by...my desk is right by the window so if you pass by Q Ave, skip the tunnel and make a U-turn from Edsa and wave hysterically!
   
3. I met my quota today in just 4 days into the month! WOW! Finally, I'm back on track!!!
4. I have parking space at the new office, so I can use my car again!!! Though I think I'm getting the hang of riding jeepneys and walking from my office to the Heart Center (hah! kuripot kasi ako!)
5. nice people i haven't seen in a while have dropped a line to say hi, and so far, all my weekends are activities ready to jump off the planner!

Of course, things could be better. Ika nga ni mareng Tracey Thorn, "it's mighty quiet here now that you're gone..." at super tahimik nga talaga sa bahay ngayon save for a few punctuated laughs ni Mupy and the barking of my little dog Kitty (mukhang kuting sa liit). Pero I'm thankful for the progressive baby steps we've all taken, grateful for the blessings, slowly accepting the challenges, and preparing to be amazed at my unseen fate.

Di ko nga lang napanood ang Toto (the American group, Igo! hehe) sa Araneta, pero at least yung isang Toto (Sorioso) napanood ko naman kahit isang beses lang sa Conspi...click here to view a most enjoyable performance of his song, Gupit. Na-inspire ako bigla magpunta sa
salon ah.

Sama-sama tayong umangat! =)

i breathe you.

you used to hug me from behind as we slept at night, giving me all the warmth i needed.
i soon reciprocated and hugged you back when you turned to sleep on your side.
eventually we learned to sleep with our backs pressed against each other, in synchronised, rhythmic breaths.

i breathed you.

finally, i had to outgrow sleeping beside you. i had to unlearn breathing you. i had to unrecognize a rhythm i followed as my own. i have had countless sleepless nights.

lately, i'm pretty sure you've had, too.

but now, as i stand beside you yet away from you, i hear your short gasps. and i start to breathe deeply, hoping you will hear it.

you pause, inhale, and exhale as i do. you pause, inhale, and exhale as i do.

and for one brief moment, we are in rhythm again as I was when I was a child beside you, my lungs almost bursting as i wait for you to take in as much air as your big grown-up lungs can.

i still breathe you. i will help you breathe life back. and you will teach me to take in all that life can bring me, and to return what was given to me unselfishly.

breathe with me, Dad. we will remember it together. and soon we will breathe as we used to.

please continue to pray for Dad

Hi all,

Unfortunately we had to forego transferring to a regular room because we need to monitor Dad's health a bit more. He's currently undergoing dialysis to regulate his creatinine levels, and sometimes his level of cognition is amiss.

Please, please pray with us.

Love, love untold.

“Come to Me when you are weary.
Lay down your burdens and your loads.
Your name is etched into the palm of My hand:
Yours is My love untold.”


Daddy's moving to a regular room, recovering well from the operation. He is happy to be with Mom and to see us all beaming with pride for his robust heart. Most of all, he is immeasurably thankful (as the entire family is, too!) to all of you for your prayers, your well wishes, and for the donors who offered new life to him.

We pray he continues to get well so he could do what he does best -- to live his life and to love to the fullest, in tribute to the Creator who remains, lives, and loves in him.

... that night they caught nothing. When it was already dawn, Jesus was standing on the shore. – John 21:3, 4

How apt this day's Gospel is.

We were called by our good surgeon Dr Quitiquit almost eight hours after the scheduled commencement of the bypass operation. He said that Dad is now at the recovery room, still sedated, but doing well. They started surgery at 12 noon pa pala due to the slight twitches on the leg catheter; but it went smoothly otherwise. They performed a quintuple (yes, 5 po yun!) bypass on him, and by the time they allowed his heart to pump, it did instantaneously, literally without skipping a beat!! If it could talk, it probably shouted in delight, "yehey!"

What a brave heart!

The doctor continued that they would be monitoring him for the next 24-48 hours to ensure normal functioning of the body systems. Hope we all continue praying, and thanks for the spiritual strength your collective intentions have brought all of us. I'm going back there with my mom (naligo lang hehe), because my dad said to her lovingly before he drifted into sleep last night,

"pagmulat ko ng mata ko, gusto ko ikaw ang una kong makita."

Ang puso ng tatay ko. Walang kupas :)

"baka nakalimutan mo lang na pwede ka palang bumalik?"

Those were the words Fr. Mimo told me when I came by the seminary one Thursday on a whim in Tagaytay, staying overnight by myself. I wanted to exorcise demons. I wanted to take control of my life and rid myself of misery and the anguish of waiting (for godot). I ran away to escape the din and find an answer amidst the glorious backdrop of pine trees and cool winds.

The answer I got was to go back home. Home to the One who would never leave me. Pagbabalik-loob.

This evening, Joy invited me to visit the Adoration Chapel in our church coming from the hospital after a most anxious evening. And it brought me back to that night in my small rented room in Tagaytay, when the skies were devoid of any stars, the wind was howling madly like a storm, and I was wailing as a forlorn widow. I closed my eyes, and the darkness enveloped me in grief.

When I opened my eyes, I saw the pierced hands painted in the chapel's stained glass window. And I saw a glow that was more profound than the electric bulb that lighted the glass. It was a familiar incandescence. I saw it when I was in the old chapel when I was 19, pining for lost love. I also saw it when I was 24, while praying with a friend who lost all hope and future after failing a crucial subject that signalled the end of pursuing a degree. Five years again, there it was.

"You who are weary, come to Me, for I Am Peace, and you who come to Me will know My peace, it shall be yours to carry on."

My father on earth and He who Is in heaven both see my weariness. Yet despite their burdens, they think of nothing but to free me from my pain. Dad would always ask how I am before answering how he is, even when I was calling him at the hospital. And every day that I live and breathe is a constant reminder that I am not forsaken by our Father. Now, seeing pierced Hands that never stop giving, and seeing Daddy courageously battling his sickness, I find that the strength that I was searching for is home. And I see myself getting back up on my feet.

I cannot fail them. There is simply no room for cowards in my family.

let thursday and friday be Daddy 's Prayer Rally Days!

One whole day more before Dad's scheduled operation on Friday morning...I ask for fervent prayers, mass intentions, sige na nga pati na rin blood donors :)

Daddy's mind, heart and soul are ready!!!

Thanks to all of you who have given your time, prayers, blog comments and blood donations. May God bless you always for your generosity.

By the way, for those who can't make it to the Heart Center from 8am-5pm tomorrow, their blood bank is still willing to accept donors over the weekend, in case we lack the required supply and have to borrow from the hospital stock. Dun lang kasi pwede talaga manggaling yung blood eh. You'll be screened naman dun, we can't really say for sure how fit you are for it. Same office hours pa rin on Saturday and Sunday. Just advise them you're donating for Magdaleno Cortez :) So far, 4 people have successfully donated (Alek, you're the 5th if all goes well tomorrow! thanks a lot, man!!!). Any more? :)

Again, salamat talaga. Rally na tayo!!!!!

HELP! Daddy needs 10 AB+ blood donors ASAP!

Hi All!

My mom just texted me, we need 10 blood donors for his bypass operation this Friday since Daddy's blood type (AB+) is quite rare.

You may reply to this if you're (or know someone who is) interested in donating blood. You can also get in touch with me at the following numbers. Please forward also to those you think may be of help.

my landline nos:

4110618 to 19 (my office - HSBC QC)

9252401 (Phil Heart Center trunkline, ask to be transferred to room 323)

9314653 (my house, just leave your name and number to our helper)

my mobile nos:

+63917 8558477 (Globe)

+63918 9598735 (Smart)

+63922 4778735 (Sun)

Thanks again and let's keep the prayers coming!

now, more than ever, Dad still needs your prayers!

I just got word from my mom today, my siblings presented Dad's angiogram to Dr. Dy Bun Yok and he advised that the best procedure to remove the blockage from his heart is a bypass operation. We'll contact another surgeon, Dr Manuel Chua Chiaco, this afternoon to confirm if he could operate on him per Dr Dy's recommendation.

It'll be anytime this week, I guess. Please continue to pray for him.

Thanks!

and so it begins...

It's now a waiting game for Dad. He'll be having a series of tests from tomorrow until Saturday to check his suitability for any procedure. So far, we've had 3 opinions, with surgery recommendations swinging from urgent to unnecessary. Hopefully we'll be able to get the best surgeon to work on Dad.

Anybody here know Dr. Dy Bun Yok personally? We heard he's really good. I called Chinese General Hospital this morning but he was off this week. Perhaps any of you could refer us to him? You may reach me thru my mobile since I don't know when I could be online tomorrow, I might be at the Heart Center all day :)

Had a jampacked room this afternoon: a pray-over with Dad's friends at the Centro La Humildad (from Malabon), my close friends and family in the early evening, and my other brother right before we left Dad to rest. The nurse reported a rise in his BP -- he was so excited to see a lot of people showing their sympathy. He had to eat fish and white chicken for dinner to avoid any cholesterol trouble , while we ate adobo (GP!!!) among other salty, oily things ;)

I hope he continues to be strong, to stabilize his body for whatever operation is recommended.

Again, thanks for your prayers, and hope you could include his recovery in your Holy Week mass intentions :)

konti pa, Dad...

Just got the preliminary results from my mom today. May bara sa heart. Dad's recommended for a bypass operation. My siblings are rushing the results to another doctor for a second opinion, hopefully it's really something minor than that.

Friends, kaya to! Sabay-sabay tayo humingi ng tulong sa Diyos...

Papunta na ko dun.

Chrise's favorite lyric

"There, still, my love will be." (from the track Love Untold)

How encompassing, how understated, how constant, how unconditional, how unassuming, how universal this love is that only a God would so willingly offer even to the hardest of human hearts.

And, how overwhelmingly amazing it is to realize that the human heart is destined to love back as much as its Creator has shown. To rise from the darkness of Christ's death and to receive the healing warmth of the Spirit, we are called to bear witness to His constant presence and to recognize Him in both the littlest and largest of joys.

Daddy finally gets a room!

At about 5pm today, the Heart Center finally had a vacant private room for my dad. No tests tonight, though. He's scheduled for his angiogram tomorrow, so tonight is his last meal -- and he completely ignored the hospital food! Before I left the office, he asked for soup from a favorite chinese restaurant near my branch. Syempre I gave in and bought not only soup but his favorite noodles, beef with broccoli and yang chow rice -- the rest were for us family members who were so eager to see our father in a hospital for the first time in his life. My sister in law asked if my other brother was coming, and Ate said, "pupunta yun siguro, gutom yon!" Ganun?!? Gawin bang buffet fiesta ang ospital?!? Hehe. Pero ako fan ng hospital food so kinain ko yun while my siblings had the lauriat I bought. Dad was pleased, but still did not eat as much. I hope he had enough to keep him full until the procedure kasi kailangan yata mag-fasting...

All of us, of course, are making the atmosphere so light for Dad, kasi nga it's his first time to be confined overnight (the last time he had a room was for an executive checkup when I was still in high school which lasted only an entire day), and the tests/procedures are new to him.
I guess he'll stay there surely at least till Maundy Thursday depending on the results and necessary follow-up procedures (note to Hangad: will let you know ASAP if we could still make it to the Triduum masses). But definitely we won't be at the pabasa/pasyon in Bulacan...so sorry to our relatives waiting for us there -- we know they understand.

So, we still don't know anything yet -- we're still on our toes, but we're very hopeful that it will lead to recovery soon! Dumadami na ang nagdadasal so let's keep this going! =)

Salamat talaga sa inyong lahat. Di ko na matext lahat kayo so yun na muna. Pasensya sa mga hindi nakaalam...feel free to forward this via email to our friends not on multiply if they would like to know more about it. GP! Biancs! I'm updating this for you guys there in Boston! Let, ikaw na bahala magbalita sa Australia ha? =)

Sana huwag lang talaga masyadong kabahan si Daddy...anything new is fearful but like what Swapee told me, "embrace the fear...then, thank it for the lessons it's trying to teach...then, let it go."

All together now, friends!!!

=)

update on Dad

He's been under house arrest since Friday and we have no plans of letting him drive anytime soon. Surprisingly, he agreed to stay home but is worried about the cases he needs to review at the office; sabi namin huwag na niyang alalahanin.

What I'm worried about, though, is his appetite swings and that he feels dizzy most of the time. I'm thinking maybe it's because he's a bit down, but when I looked up his meds I saw that there were side effects linked to dizzyness, nausea and drowsiness. So maybe that's why he doesn't like eating a lot at mealtimes (because he feels nauseous) but gets hungry after a few hours because he didn't eat much. I'm not sure if his medication for diabetes or his multivitamins are in conflict as well with this new group of drugs...baka kasi sa sobrang dami ng iniinom niya sabay-sabay it causes some kind of reaction.

He's also having difficulty breathing when lying down so he would rather rest on the rocking chair or have a few pillows on the bed to elevate his upper body. All family members agreed to check on him once in a while during weekdays at the office, and I'm glad my Ate and Kuya are visiting him at home :) even my niece and nephew show their love (Monic gave him oranges and D cried daw, begging his dad to let him stay with his Lolo instead of going to the farm). It's kinda overwhelming, seeing Dad this way. Or maybe it's because I'm also a bit unstable. It came to a point where I prayed, "kahit si Daddy na lang po. Huwag na po yung sa akin. ok lang."

Yes, Janina, I'm feeling a lot of pressure. right. now.

I think this is a start for Dad to slow down and rest from work and I hope he realizes that too. We're all here for him, and I'm grateful to all of you who've expressed your concerns. I'm most thankful for Joy because she's more hands-on the past week than me, updating my siblings in the other house and doing stuff I haven't had the energy to do. Don't worry Mups, I'll jump back on it soon.

More prayers, please! :)

watch "A Journey to Easter with Hangad" this Mar15 (Sat) 7:30 pm in Tierra Pura!

The Our Lady of Consolation Parish (OLCP) HELP Foundation is staging a fundraising pre-Easter concert featuring Hangad this Saturday, March 15, 2008, 7:30pm at the OLCP main church in Mira-Nila Homes (passing through Tierra Pura Homes), Tandang Sora, QC. Tickets are available at the entrance. See you there! =)

For other details, check out www.hangad.com.

even if it leads nowhere.

my sentiments exactly.

Chasing Pavements - Adele

Ive made up my mind
dont need to think it over
if im wrong i am right
dont need to look no further
this aint lust i know this is love

but if i tell the world
i'll never say enough
cos it was not said to you
and thats exactly what i need to do
if i end up with you

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there.
should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere

i build myself up
and fly around in circles
waiting as my heart drops
and my back begins to tingle
finally could this be it

or should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there.
should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere

yeaaah ehh

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place
should i leave it there

should i give up
or should i just keep on chasing pavements
should i just keep on chasing pavements

ohhhh ohh

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements  
even if it leads nowhere

huwag nang mag-atubili, bumili na kayo.

Well, hindi siya Astro Cigarettes. Pero ito na ang totoo: ito na yata ang pinakamasarap na sorbetes na natikman ko.

I chanced upon this flavor when I was looking for something to bring to a friend's birthday. I knew Selecta had a variant when I was in grade school, but their version was something like pale cheese ice cream with blueberry jam ripple and chunks of graham crackers. (It tasted like an uncovered cake left in the freezer with trapped water from the ice tray above it. ugh.) Since I was going to a party and was left with only vanilla and this blue one to choose from, I decided to take an adventure with the latter, hoping that Arce Dairy would get it right.

It did. Instead of a cheese-based ice cream, it was fruit-based (much like FIC's strawberry), with only a few hints here and there of cheese, tiny berry bits and dark graham cracker crumbs. And I must say it really tastes heavenly -- never mind if my tongue turns blue after eating a cup (and then some) of this sweet monstrosity. Goodbye healthy fruit yoghurt. I hit my 6-million target anyway so I think I deserve some sugar! Haha rationalizing na naman ang salbabida ko.

Pati tatay ko asked for more when I offered a tiny amount to cap his dinner (bwahahaha ang damot ko -- but he's diabetic!). That speaks a lot for someone who eats only ube ice cream -- or maybe it's because blue and purple are similar?

Promise, maghi-hiphop abs na ako this week para makabawi! :p

yes, i bought a china dual-SIM phone. no TV, though.

I didn't like the analog TV antenna on the other phones; besides, they were too bulky. More on this once I'm done tinkering with it =)