"The pieces fall it’s like a last day parade
And the fires in our streets start to rage,
so wave, to the people that long to wave back,
from the fabric of a flag that sang 'love all of the time' "
--- "War All The Time", title track from Thursday's 2003 released album
It happens everywhere -- though not as sensational as this one, but I guess the only thing I could post about the Virginia Tech mass murder this week would be best voiced out by
this essay from Stephen King.
******
In other news, I got this from Yahoo!News. At least the Catholic Church is burning down the old conventions (albeit slowly). Nevertheless it's still a long way to go. Next concept to dispose of, please....
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Friday, April 13, 2007
"sleep, sleep, sleep," says the hundredth sheep
A friend sent this to me a long time ago. Sabi niya: "olats si Neruda!"
The last part rocks. Insomnia is killing me -- or is it the terrible missing?
The last part rocks. Insomnia is killing me -- or is it the terrible missing?
Variation on the Word Sleep
Margaret Atwood
I would like to watch you sleeping.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head
and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun and three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear
I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in
I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
and that necessary
Monday, April 09, 2007
dear marcus, you rock my world...
OK, so this is my first blog entry in eons, but just to let you know this entry will only be for my own personal therapy -- in the spirit of Easter, I feel I need a bit of self-renewal and perhaps writing letters to those I barely get in touch with will cast a few demons off my system.
Just read if you've got nothing better to do. I'm not sure if I'll have the same number of boys in Alanis' song Unsent (afternote: I actually did) but it's a good song to start getting in the mood.... =) and to those who think they know who I'm writing about, either keep it to yourselves or send it directly to the one I wrote it for -- clandestinely. Hah! Just kidding about the second part. I may be looking for old wounds to pick on =)
Here goes:
Dear Matthew,
Life seems to be going great for you (except for a slight delay which should correct itself in the coming months). It's good to know you're also keeping yourself fit and in the pink of health, with that glow in your smile all the more reflecting the contentment you must be feeling with The One. I do miss talking to you and sharing thoughts on stuff we both like, but I never get to see you when our friends get together. It's been a while since we last spoke with each other beyond the occasional generic text messages, and I hope we could find time someday to call on each other and catch up on our goings-on before we give out wedding invitations (btw you'll go before I do and I can bet on it)! Heck, bring her along and we could trade notes, hahaha. But she would know you better even if I knew you first =)
Dear Jonathan,
I really did like you a lot then. I just hated you for not being honest when you broke it off. But, you're happily practicing your career, you seem to have a lot of friends, and you make more money than I do. So, when are you opening a bank account with my branch? We can't be friends anymore but I could at least give you financial advice in exchange for making me meet my sales target for the month =) Oh, and thanks for making me realize I was pretty enough to interest the nice, good-looking guys =)
Dear Terrance,
We do talk regularly, but I haven't really told you how odd it feels for me to be treated like the greatest friend you've ever had when I'm not immersing myself fully in this relationship. We've known each other's names for so long but I can't say that I have a lot in common with you. Sometimes I have no freaking idea what you're talking about, I'm struggling to ask enough follow up questions to feign comprehension. Yet I'm grateful that we've stayed friends this long, because sooner or later when we're old we'll need nothing but a few good memories and a name to match them with =) And I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my subconscious is storing information about you enough for me to gather a distinctive image of you worthy of a bragging right of being friends with you for 15 years =)
Dear Marcus,
My. After all these years I still think of you and worry about how you are. Someone told me we spiritually held on to each other by each other's necks (I still can't quite figure that one out) and that we both felt each other's misery in some way. I do get those moments when I remember a random memory of you and then you suddenly pop in the flesh -- on the road driving, walking along the main street, or biking in campus. I know that what happened then had to happen, but at the back of my head I would always wish for you to give me a call or suddenly appear on my doorstep -- that this would really tell us how bound we are by such a strong friendship. I R still here doing what I do because of you. Mom and Dad ask about you, too, and wonder why you don't hang around the house anymore. =)
Dear Lou,
We are better this way. We don't even talk about that anymore, do we? You've had so many greater loves after me, I'm beginning to wonder if it ever happened at all. I'm happy that we are very good friends. I guess it's best not to bring the past up anymore especially now that you're serious with this one. Just wanted you to know, though, that if I were stuck on a deserted island with only you as my companion, I'd have the time of my life =)
Just read if you've got nothing better to do. I'm not sure if I'll have the same number of boys in Alanis' song Unsent (afternote: I actually did) but it's a good song to start getting in the mood.... =) and to those who think they know who I'm writing about, either keep it to yourselves or send it directly to the one I wrote it for -- clandestinely. Hah! Just kidding about the second part. I may be looking for old wounds to pick on =)
Here goes:
Dear Matthew,
Life seems to be going great for you (except for a slight delay which should correct itself in the coming months). It's good to know you're also keeping yourself fit and in the pink of health, with that glow in your smile all the more reflecting the contentment you must be feeling with The One. I do miss talking to you and sharing thoughts on stuff we both like, but I never get to see you when our friends get together. It's been a while since we last spoke with each other beyond the occasional generic text messages, and I hope we could find time someday to call on each other and catch up on our goings-on before we give out wedding invitations (btw you'll go before I do and I can bet on it)! Heck, bring her along and we could trade notes, hahaha. But she would know you better even if I knew you first =)
Dear Jonathan,
I really did like you a lot then. I just hated you for not being honest when you broke it off. But, you're happily practicing your career, you seem to have a lot of friends, and you make more money than I do. So, when are you opening a bank account with my branch? We can't be friends anymore but I could at least give you financial advice in exchange for making me meet my sales target for the month =) Oh, and thanks for making me realize I was pretty enough to interest the nice, good-looking guys =)
Dear Terrance,
We do talk regularly, but I haven't really told you how odd it feels for me to be treated like the greatest friend you've ever had when I'm not immersing myself fully in this relationship. We've known each other's names for so long but I can't say that I have a lot in common with you. Sometimes I have no freaking idea what you're talking about, I'm struggling to ask enough follow up questions to feign comprehension. Yet I'm grateful that we've stayed friends this long, because sooner or later when we're old we'll need nothing but a few good memories and a name to match them with =) And I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my subconscious is storing information about you enough for me to gather a distinctive image of you worthy of a bragging right of being friends with you for 15 years =)
Dear Marcus,
My. After all these years I still think of you and worry about how you are. Someone told me we spiritually held on to each other by each other's necks (I still can't quite figure that one out) and that we both felt each other's misery in some way. I do get those moments when I remember a random memory of you and then you suddenly pop in the flesh -- on the road driving, walking along the main street, or biking in campus. I know that what happened then had to happen, but at the back of my head I would always wish for you to give me a call or suddenly appear on my doorstep -- that this would really tell us how bound we are by such a strong friendship. I R still here doing what I do because of you. Mom and Dad ask about you, too, and wonder why you don't hang around the house anymore. =)
Dear Lou,
We are better this way. We don't even talk about that anymore, do we? You've had so many greater loves after me, I'm beginning to wonder if it ever happened at all. I'm happy that we are very good friends. I guess it's best not to bring the past up anymore especially now that you're serious with this one. Just wanted you to know, though, that if I were stuck on a deserted island with only you as my companion, I'd have the time of my life =)
Saturday, December 16, 2006
biting off more than you can chew
On learning:
...learning is of two kinds, one kind being the things we learned and knew, and the other being the training that taught us how to find out what we did not know...
-- "The Richest Man In Babylon"
I particularly was struck by this excerpt, quite timely now that I'm busy with choir stuff (thanks, p). I realized that I was relying on the first type of learning all the time and ignoring the second one, dismissing it as personal liabilities. I found myself cramming vocal parts, spiels and choreography -- things which eventually fall into place (at least most of the time -- other times I just cheat hehehe); but cowering in skills that I was not exactly adept in (like staying in tempo for percussion, which I attributed to my weak yet flabby arms that need toning --but that's a different issue that I'd rather not think about!).
They say that wisdom is knowing that you don't know everything. To admit ignorance is not to concede defeat; on the contrary, it is meant to liberate one's mind and to open one's eyes to the vastness of knowledge that lies ahead, waiting to be discovered. It is both humbling and empowering; it shows us how to value the teachers among us yet it also prepares each one of us to teach ourselves. In rehearsing and performing for the numerous activities this season, I pray that my mistakes not cause embarrassment but a renewed willingness to learn. In these moments may we remember the greatness of the One who was brought into this world in a lowly manger.
...learning is of two kinds, one kind being the things we learned and knew, and the other being the training that taught us how to find out what we did not know...
-- "The Richest Man In Babylon"
I particularly was struck by this excerpt, quite timely now that I'm busy with choir stuff (thanks, p). I realized that I was relying on the first type of learning all the time and ignoring the second one, dismissing it as personal liabilities. I found myself cramming vocal parts, spiels and choreography -- things which eventually fall into place (at least most of the time -- other times I just cheat hehehe); but cowering in skills that I was not exactly adept in (like staying in tempo for percussion, which I attributed to my weak yet flabby arms that need toning --but that's a different issue that I'd rather not think about!).
They say that wisdom is knowing that you don't know everything. To admit ignorance is not to concede defeat; on the contrary, it is meant to liberate one's mind and to open one's eyes to the vastness of knowledge that lies ahead, waiting to be discovered. It is both humbling and empowering; it shows us how to value the teachers among us yet it also prepares each one of us to teach ourselves. In rehearsing and performing for the numerous activities this season, I pray that my mistakes not cause embarrassment but a renewed willingness to learn. In these moments may we remember the greatness of the One who was brought into this world in a lowly manger.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
your temperemental moody side, the one you always try to hide from me....
Couldn't sleep due to a fear that maybe a tiny mouse is lurking in some dark corner in my room and my internet connection finally decided to let me view the websites I wanted to see. I was excited to logon to hangad online's newly updated site -- though not all features are fully functional yet. still, it looks good to me. check it out! (shameless plug.)
I also finally got to see my friend's blogs which i haven't visited for the longest time. It felt like a reunion, with me saying hi to everyone like the receptionist who writes your name on the tag, the first person you see and the first one you forget. Being incognito has its uncomplicated joys; I get engrossed with stealth observation of friends' lives and the occasional snooping about some stranger's personal business.
I was about to end my anonymous watch with a blog comment when I stopped myself, figuring it was best for me to not let this friend know that I dropped by.
My thoughts rambled on and I realized how fleeting written or read messages are. I remembered the letters my best friend and I wrote to each other, envelopes of words which have yellowed and perhaps served as breakfast to the insects in my bureau drawer, and which I have never reopened for the past decade. I thought about those scribbled clumsy notes from a young love which I carefully kept hidden from every nosy member of this house, but have since been sacrificed to the flames to soothe a jealous rage.
I smiled at the thought of locked messages in my old pager unit, when the words "you know" meant so much that i just had to save it (bwahahaha what a child i was); and, of course, the clutter in one's mobile inbox which stays there until your phone loses memory -- or until you lose your phone.
To recall all those significant lines verbatim would be impossible, yet the snippet of amusement that I gained from trying to remember how much they meant to me then surpasses an outright effort to type a greeting on friendster -- they'll eventually erase that message anyway at some point in time. A cosmic poke will do. The words do get in the way sometimes.
I also finally got to see my friend's blogs which i haven't visited for the longest time. It felt like a reunion, with me saying hi to everyone like the receptionist who writes your name on the tag, the first person you see and the first one you forget. Being incognito has its uncomplicated joys; I get engrossed with stealth observation of friends' lives and the occasional snooping about some stranger's personal business.
I was about to end my anonymous watch with a blog comment when I stopped myself, figuring it was best for me to not let this friend know that I dropped by.
My thoughts rambled on and I realized how fleeting written or read messages are. I remembered the letters my best friend and I wrote to each other, envelopes of words which have yellowed and perhaps served as breakfast to the insects in my bureau drawer, and which I have never reopened for the past decade. I thought about those scribbled clumsy notes from a young love which I carefully kept hidden from every nosy member of this house, but have since been sacrificed to the flames to soothe a jealous rage.
I smiled at the thought of locked messages in my old pager unit, when the words "you know" meant so much that i just had to save it (bwahahaha what a child i was); and, of course, the clutter in one's mobile inbox which stays there until your phone loses memory -- or until you lose your phone.
To recall all those significant lines verbatim would be impossible, yet the snippet of amusement that I gained from trying to remember how much they meant to me then surpasses an outright effort to type a greeting on friendster -- they'll eventually erase that message anyway at some point in time. A cosmic poke will do. The words do get in the way sometimes.
Friday, August 25, 2006
how can i hold the part of me that only you can carry?
I haven't written anything of substance lately, so I'm going to resist the urge to do my evening rituals just so I could squeeze in a few thoughts and updates before I get too lazy:
Just this in -- I was saddened by this update; not that I have a personal affinity for oddball astronomical objects (though I have a soft spot for oddballs)...just goes to show that there are some things one holds on to as truth until the next smartass debunks it and there's nothing you can do about it.
The past few weeks have been quite busy for me. All of those things translated into a lackluster work performance last month. I still reached my quota but I almost missed it-- I gotta focus! It's been 2 months since my long break, I've gotten used to my new lunchmate who suddenly morphed into a close friend I'd hang out with after office hours, and now Dr. P has lots of time to make up for the missed dvd marathons, parties and telebabad evenings! I have to make myself worthy of all these good things coming my way!
On the other hand, I got a reality check earlier this evening before choir practice when we didn't have any special intentions to pray for and just settled for general intentions for those in need. I volunteered to close the practice with a prayer reminding us that as we live comfortably without too many problems, there are actually a lot of people in this world who suffer so much that every minute they are almost dying to seek someone who could pray for them, and as they drown in their misfortunes, hope for them seems impossible.
May we be always thankful for the life we enjoy, and for at least one of our mundane moments may we ask Him to bless those who are in pain, that they, too, may find solace even for just one fleeting minute as we include them in our thoughts. Cheese aside, I really believe that all of us are connected, and that the good intentions we wish for others create a wave of benevolence that reaches beyond our remotest acquaintances to those who are truly in need.
Just this in -- I was saddened by this update; not that I have a personal affinity for oddball astronomical objects (though I have a soft spot for oddballs)...just goes to show that there are some things one holds on to as truth until the next smartass debunks it and there's nothing you can do about it.
The past few weeks have been quite busy for me. All of those things translated into a lackluster work performance last month. I still reached my quota but I almost missed it-- I gotta focus! It's been 2 months since my long break, I've gotten used to my new lunchmate who suddenly morphed into a close friend I'd hang out with after office hours, and now Dr. P has lots of time to make up for the missed dvd marathons, parties and telebabad evenings! I have to make myself worthy of all these good things coming my way!
On the other hand, I got a reality check earlier this evening before choir practice when we didn't have any special intentions to pray for and just settled for general intentions for those in need. I volunteered to close the practice with a prayer reminding us that as we live comfortably without too many problems, there are actually a lot of people in this world who suffer so much that every minute they are almost dying to seek someone who could pray for them, and as they drown in their misfortunes, hope for them seems impossible.
May we be always thankful for the life we enjoy, and for at least one of our mundane moments may we ask Him to bless those who are in pain, that they, too, may find solace even for just one fleeting minute as we include them in our thoughts. Cheese aside, I really believe that all of us are connected, and that the good intentions we wish for others create a wave of benevolence that reaches beyond our remotest acquaintances to those who are truly in need.
Friday, August 11, 2006
and so i'm back...from outer space...
Finally, after 2 gruelling months, I've managed to show myself online again! My PC has been resurrected from the dead (he is risen!) and I'm still enjoying the internet before I start the tedious process of reinstalling my accessories/hardware...
Pero inaantok na naman ako. SYET!
hehe. procrastination at its finest!
bukas na lang ulit.
P.S.
thanks sa mga bumati. and keep on praying for our friends taking the med boards! =) my future depends on it! ;)
Pero inaantok na naman ako. SYET!
hehe. procrastination at its finest!
bukas na lang ulit.
P.S.
thanks sa mga bumati. and keep on praying for our friends taking the med boards! =) my future depends on it! ;)
Thursday, June 01, 2006
and yet i'm still afraid to let it flow...
I've been quite retentive lately (not anal but more, uh, "urethral"). Apart from an infection i got due to my serious non-water drinking (i could pass the entire day away without a drop of water to drink) which caused my body to stop my pee midstream because it was excruciatingly painful (ok tama na ang oversharing), I have also stopped myself from blogging for some time even if I had tons to write about. I think it's because of my odd body clock that wants to be creative in the wee hours of the morning but is stifled by the conventional period of slumber of my family.
Sometimes I just have the perfect song, story or funny line in my head and then I turn on the computer. As it starts up I find it convenient to go to the bathroom for a shower or sit on the toilet, and when I emerge from there I realise an hour has passed, the lights are turned off, the 3-hour timed aircon has stopped, my sister is in Stage 1 of NREM sleep, hoping that I would finally stop tapping my fingers on the keyboard so she could jump to REM.
And I lose the desire to publish my brillant thoughts and shut the pc down, thinking that tomorrow I would have time.
But no, since I slept late I would be groggy in the morning, sluggish at work and get home late again and wishing for more sleep. Add to that the fact that my ideas have vanished into thin air and will not come back like a vivid dream that's kicked out of your head because you were shock-woken by frenzied dogs' barks right outside your bedroom window.
And now I've finally controlled the urge for forty winks and am now blogging, pero late na.
So bukas na lang ang tunay na kwento.
Gusto ko na either lumipat ng kwarto at i-rewire ang dsl sa guestroom para pwede akong magtype/magsurf magdamag without worrying about making too much noise and hampering my sister's success at deep sleep OR bumili ng laptop para di kailangang umuwi at mapirmi sa bahay para lang makasulat!
Pero sa ngayon, gusto ko lang matulog na ulit.
Sometimes I just have the perfect song, story or funny line in my head and then I turn on the computer. As it starts up I find it convenient to go to the bathroom for a shower or sit on the toilet, and when I emerge from there I realise an hour has passed, the lights are turned off, the 3-hour timed aircon has stopped, my sister is in Stage 1 of NREM sleep, hoping that I would finally stop tapping my fingers on the keyboard so she could jump to REM.
And I lose the desire to publish my brillant thoughts and shut the pc down, thinking that tomorrow I would have time.
But no, since I slept late I would be groggy in the morning, sluggish at work and get home late again and wishing for more sleep. Add to that the fact that my ideas have vanished into thin air and will not come back like a vivid dream that's kicked out of your head because you were shock-woken by frenzied dogs' barks right outside your bedroom window.
And now I've finally controlled the urge for forty winks and am now blogging, pero late na.
So bukas na lang ang tunay na kwento.
Gusto ko na either lumipat ng kwarto at i-rewire ang dsl sa guestroom para pwede akong magtype/magsurf magdamag without worrying about making too much noise and hampering my sister's success at deep sleep OR bumili ng laptop para di kailangang umuwi at mapirmi sa bahay para lang makasulat!
Pero sa ngayon, gusto ko lang matulog na ulit.
buwiset.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
i couldn't find the words to say how we are so MFEO!
which is why you should just check out the website on the title. *drool*
this one is ok, too...and it comes in purple!
or this one, which looks more professional-like than the previous one, which looks too sporty for a non-athlete like me!
but i could settle for this cute one, too, if the ones above are waaay too expensive for me. ok na rin naman kahit walang expandable memory -- i've got a digicam and an ipod mini, so i might as well us this mainly for its phone features (though it being a fashionable item isn't so bad either).
kelan kaya magiging available ang mga ito sa greenhills? gusto ko na i-trade in ang cellphone ko! sana hindi ito maudlot this time...or worse, mabili ko yan and then another better unit comes along (which is highly likely) =(
the thing with me is that for cellphones i'm not one to change units regularly. only when i need to (like the time mine got stolen 5 years ago), or when it's free (i.e. i upgrade my plan and a new phone comes with it), do i get a new unit. but i have been pining for the perfect clamshell! 2 years ago i got an SE Z600 and traded it in less than a month for an SE K700i when i thought that versatility of features should come before aesthetics. now that the K700i's been acting up do i miss my beautiful Z600 clamshell! wala pa ring tatalo sa ganda niya...pero wiz benta ang added features niya talaga!
so, tama pala yung desisyon kong i-time deposit for 1 month ang naipon ko...para makuha ko na ulit yung funds in a few weeks and hopefully it'll be enough for any of these phones!!!!
Friday, May 19, 2006
ang mga kaibigan ko, drowing.
drawing uploaded from www.naturalchild.com
haay. buti na lang may mga natuloy akong lakad dahil sa ilang mga kaladkaring napulot ko...sa lahat ng barkada ko kasi, mas nauudlot yung mga planadong labas kaysa sa biglaan. e ang kaso mahirap biglain kung ang lakad may kasamang bus and boat ride to the beach! at dahil sa katipiran, hindi rin naman sulit kung 2 or 3 lang kayo pupunta so syempre maghihintay ka para pwede lahat...pero wala rin! kainis diba? tapos malaman-laman mo sila nakapunta na pala kung saan-saan... =(
napapaisip tuloy ako -- ako, maayos ang trabaho , ok naman ang sweldo, may mga binabayarang obligasyon pero nakakaraos naman, tapos hindi ako nakakapagtravel nang madalas dahil naiisip ko yung gastos; samantalang may mga kaibigan ako na walang trabaho o mas kaunti ang kinikita pero nakakapunta sa mga lugar na pinapangarap ko pa lang puntahan. hindi naman sa pagiging inggitera (o sige na nga kasama na rin yon), pero talagang ipinagtataka ko yun: bakit ako di ko kayang gawin yun? at nakuha ko ang sagot: kasi hindi ko piniling gawin yun. kaya ngayon, kung gusto kong lumabas at lumakbay nang malayo, gagawin ko na. kahit ako lang!
sya. itutulog ko na muna ito at bigla akong napagod sa kakaplano at kaka-undo ng plano. NEXT!
Monday, April 17, 2006
not like I faint every time we touch...
you're humming to yourself, aren't you? vanilla skies...white picket fences in your eyes...
***
segue muna ako sa walang kinalaman...we were singing for the Good Friday mass and we were tasked to do the "Crowd" role in the Passion Gospel kasi kulang sa missalette at hindi nalagay sa powerpoint guide for the congregation. A resourceful choirmate copied the lines on his cellphone via text so we could all participate, and everything went well until we asked Simon Peter:
waaah! feel na feel ko pa naman!
bow. now back to the program...
***
You know how it is when you tell someone about a crush and then all of a sudden the excitement disappears and you feel nothing at all anymore?
Ayun. That's what happened to me and my little story. Buti naman. Sa ka-iintriga ng mga tao namatay tuloy at mukhang hindi na mabubuhay pa ulit...perhaps it's also the non-fun of it being so secret, so unusual and so out-of-myself (to this day, nobody got to know who he was, and even if I named him no one would still know him!) that let the air out of the puny day-old balloon that was the almost-crush of my post-adolescent life.
In the spirit of things I even talked to P about bumping into an old classmate's website -- well, actually, I proactively searched for the guy on friendster (lekat na friendster talaga o!) and found him and his blog there. After reading some old entries I really got to thinking that perhaps we could've been friends if I allowed myself to go up to him and introduce myself. Back then in school, he seemed like the mysterious, stuck-in-books, reserved type. I figured, he probably wouldn't be the least bit interested in me. Reading about him now gave me a clearer picture of him and made me think otherwise...kapal noh? But I mean that in all platonic honesty. He's got not a few similarities to a bunch of guys I was close to before, and given my vulnerability at the time, it was highly likely that I would've even seriously fallen for him if I got to know him better (heck, I remember gushing about his name! his name sounded like music to my ears! I would tell my non-school chums about him like a child, as though he were an imaginary friend!). He was like my Damon Bradley that I would someday meet and who knows, would turn out to be my destiny...syempre uso noon ang "Only You" kaya gumaya naman daw ako!
But fate took an interesting turn and made me fall for the friend I least expected to fall for. He would laugh at my jokes and didn't mind me swooning over someone else I knew nothing about save for a name I peeked at from the attendance list. At the end of that class we'd go to SM North Edsa to watch funny, corny and downright trashy movies together and enjoyed every minute of all of them. We camped out in ISMED to watch a meteor shower, marveled at the city lights viewed atop Kelly Heights one blackout night, explored the mystical books and trinkets at Aura Cafe while being the only audience (unmindful and unattentive at that) of Ciudad who was playing unfamiliar originals. He was my tag-along-anywhere buddy.
And he remains to be the one I dream of going with everywhere.
So now, after 6 years of committed contentment, I chance upon the goofy pictures and published times of the guy I wore short shorts and high-heeled sandals for in class. Well?
I'm still contented.
Hahaha. Crushes.
Sometimes the one who doesn't make your heart skip a beat turns out to be the one that keeps it beating for the rest of your life.
***
segue muna ako sa walang kinalaman...we were singing for the Good Friday mass and we were tasked to do the "Crowd" role in the Passion Gospel kasi kulang sa missalette at hindi nalagay sa powerpoint guide for the congregation. A resourceful choirmate copied the lines on his cellphone via text so we could all participate, and everything went well until we asked Simon Peter:
"You are not one of His disciples, are you not?"
waaah! feel na feel ko pa naman!
bow. now back to the program...
***
You know how it is when you tell someone about a crush and then all of a sudden the excitement disappears and you feel nothing at all anymore?
Ayun. That's what happened to me and my little story. Buti naman. Sa ka-iintriga ng mga tao namatay tuloy at mukhang hindi na mabubuhay pa ulit...perhaps it's also the non-fun of it being so secret, so unusual and so out-of-myself (to this day, nobody got to know who he was, and even if I named him no one would still know him!) that let the air out of the puny day-old balloon that was the almost-crush of my post-adolescent life.
In the spirit of things I even talked to P about bumping into an old classmate's website -- well, actually, I proactively searched for the guy on friendster (lekat na friendster talaga o!) and found him and his blog there. After reading some old entries I really got to thinking that perhaps we could've been friends if I allowed myself to go up to him and introduce myself. Back then in school, he seemed like the mysterious, stuck-in-books, reserved type. I figured, he probably wouldn't be the least bit interested in me. Reading about him now gave me a clearer picture of him and made me think otherwise...kapal noh? But I mean that in all platonic honesty. He's got not a few similarities to a bunch of guys I was close to before, and given my vulnerability at the time, it was highly likely that I would've even seriously fallen for him if I got to know him better (heck, I remember gushing about his name! his name sounded like music to my ears! I would tell my non-school chums about him like a child, as though he were an imaginary friend!). He was like my Damon Bradley that I would someday meet and who knows, would turn out to be my destiny...syempre uso noon ang "Only You" kaya gumaya naman daw ako!
But fate took an interesting turn and made me fall for the friend I least expected to fall for. He would laugh at my jokes and didn't mind me swooning over someone else I knew nothing about save for a name I peeked at from the attendance list. At the end of that class we'd go to SM North Edsa to watch funny, corny and downright trashy movies together and enjoyed every minute of all of them. We camped out in ISMED to watch a meteor shower, marveled at the city lights viewed atop Kelly Heights one blackout night, explored the mystical books and trinkets at Aura Cafe while being the only audience (unmindful and unattentive at that) of Ciudad who was playing unfamiliar originals. He was my tag-along-anywhere buddy.
And he remains to be the one I dream of going with everywhere.
So now, after 6 years of committed contentment, I chance upon the goofy pictures and published times of the guy I wore short shorts and high-heeled sandals for in class. Well?
I'm still contented.
Hahaha. Crushes.
Sometimes the one who doesn't make your heart skip a beat turns out to be the one that keeps it beating for the rest of your life.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
quid est veritas?
Happy Easter to you all!
The quote above is a Vulgate ("street") Latin translation of Pontius Pilate's question to Jesus: "What is truth?". I thought about a lot of "truths" during the Holy Week, especially at the Paschal Triduum:
The quote above is a Vulgate ("street") Latin translation of Pontius Pilate's question to Jesus: "What is truth?". I thought about a lot of "truths" during the Holy Week, especially at the Paschal Triduum:
- Palm Sunday - went to a recollection and mostly prayed using the Ignatian method known as contemplation, or imagining a scene from Scripture and putting oneself as one of the characters. We focused on the Last Supper scene and I was particularly moved by the insight that everyone, not only Jesus and the Twelve, but even the female cooks and handmaidens, were blessed and given importance. Then, I watched The Gospel of Judas on National Geographic and pondered on the possibility that Jesus Himself asked Judas Iscariot to prepare for His suffering and ultimate death in order to "sacrifice the man that clothes" Him. Again, there was an interesting insight from the show: even then, during the early days, there have been many interpretations of Christianity, and the discovery of this text gives us the idea that there once had been a group of Christians who thought that the relationship between Jesus Christ and Judas was significant, and that they were able to celebrate and glorify the existence of Judas.
- Holy Wednesday - went out to dinner with a few people at the branch and expressed our thoughts on the officer reshuffle at the back office. I felt it was timely, given the fact that it's Holy Week and we should think about forgiveness. Some of us thought otherwise and felt she deserved the Calvary she got herself into. Anyway, it will end with her transferring and I'm hopeful that her life will be less, uh, dramatic.
- Maundy Thursday - gone to Bulacan for the family Pasyon or Pabasa and finished chanting at about 5pm. After singing the Tagalog verses, I had an appreciation for the sensual (meant here as intense use of the five senses) nature of the language and how it creates such vivid images of the last days of Christ. It's senakulo on paper! At the same time, it made me think about why it had to be so; it was a form of inculturation, and scriptural scenes had to be interpreted in such a way that it would fit into the mold of the Filipino epic song, with familiar elements such as the "good triumphs over evil" theme, mystical events and legends.
- Good Friday - went to and sang for the Friday service at Gesu (Mass and Way of the Cross). Dad went with Ate to a different service (a Spiritist session) in Malabon to hear reflections on the holy days. He came home asking me about the Gospel of Judas, the Da Vinci Code, and was so excited about the possibility that more people would embrace the philosophy that has fascinated him all his life. This got me thinking: all my life, the religion I furiously defended was carved from readings approved by elders (who insisted the world was flat and prosecuted anyone who thought otherwise), and mindlessly disregarded all other references which they found difficult to understand and thus difficult to teach to common people whom they wanted to recruit into the flock. There have been a lot of other perspectives labeled as heresy, thrown to and lost in the wind, and those which remained to this day are still scoffed at, like my dad's, only because it's not included in the canonical gospels and they don't practice it within the fundamental faith.
- Black Saturday - watched a rerun of The Passion Recut, and over lunch Kuya volunteered to buy a pirated DVD of the movie instead of having to watch it right now. I told him, "Kumusta naman ang pagbili ng pirated DVD ng Banal na Kasulatan, noh?", to which he replied, "Eh kumusta din naman na nakakita ka pa ng difference sa pagbili ng pirated DVD ng regular movie at Banal na Kasulatan?" -- nga naman.
- Easter Vigil - read the Second Reading -- a loong narration of the Parting of the Red Sea, and sang the responsorial psalm. Also liked Fr. Arnel's homily on salvation history -- that God has been redeeming His people since the Old Testament, and ultimately sacrifices His Son and resurrects Him in the New Testament, but they still don't get the fact that they have been saved many times over! Fr. Arnel began with telling the Oprah episode where everyone in the audience got a brand new car and found themselves stunned and dumbfounded before it dawned on them that something so wonderful had been unbelievably presented to them. I also bumped into an old friend which started another buzz of gossip in the family car on the way home (but it's not about me!)...I guess one person's suffering is another's redemption.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
sige, patulan ang tag...
got this from Ria.
4 jobs I've had in my life:
a. Personal Banking Officer - current
b. Recruitment Assistant
c. HR Systems Assistant
d. Children's choir teacher (this is not the PYC, btw. I handled kids from 8-12 yrs old -- got paid, too. Awa ng Diyos a lot of them are now in the PYC and I feel sooooo old!!!!)
4 films I can watch over and over:
a. Forget Paris
b. Mga Kwento ni Lola Basyang
c. Big Time
d. Awakenings
4 places I have lived (in):
a. Tierra Pura, QC - current
b. SFDM, QC
c. Miriam College (heck, from nursery to senior high dun na ako e!)
d. hmm. wala na e.
4 TV programs I love to watch: (as in 4 programs my sister lets me watch)
a. Pinoy Big Brother hahahaha (grabe na si Bianca - affected daw ba ako?)
b. Extra Challenge
c. Katoque on QTV Ch11 - ang saya panoorin yung mga young urban chefs (so ano tawag sa kanila? "yuchies"? "yuffies"? hehehehe ampanget)
d. Magandang Umaga Pilipinas - syempre love your own! Wok with Chan ang drama ni kuya na nagbalik-South Beach Diet after having to gain weight in Zsazsa Zaturnnah..
4 places I would have visited had I had the money:
a. the Himalayas
b. the moon (para malaman ko kung hoax ang Apollo 11)
c. New Zealand
d. Palawan (hehehe at least ito palagay ko mapupuntahan ko talaga kung mga 2 months akong hindi gumamit ng credit card...)
4 websites i visit daily:
a. Yahoo! Mail - for yahoogroups updates
b. Gmail - ganun din
c. Yahoo! - somehow I haven't acquired the habit of using Google as a search engine. Parang mas gumagana ito for me.
d. any link on the sites above that catches my fancy
4 of my favorite foods:
a. kahit anong iluto ng nanay ko
b. nissin yakisoba chicken flavor (yung blue) - halos daily breakfast ko sa office, along with
c. pugon pinoy pandesal - found in congressional ave qc beside Mommy's Pancit Malabon and a few blocks away from Circle C mall na katabi ng Cherry Fooderama -- OA ba sa directions? I swear you have to try it! still at 2 bucks apiece, it's great kahit walang palaman...eons better than the pan de manila variety
d. max's fried chicken
4 places where I would want to die:
a. at home, from a terminal illness that hasn't affected any of my senses para slow and dramatic ang aking paglipas wahahaha
b. other than that, anywhere else basta patay ako agad at hindi ako mahihirapan
c. note lang, parang ayoko yata mamatay in my husband's arms...kawawa naman siya naunahan ko pa...unless sabay kami mamamatay at malalaki na yung mga anak namin
4 people (living/dead) who you want to meet:
a. The Creator - nga naman.
b. some guy i shared a class with in college whom i never had the guts to introduce myself to
c. my paternal grandfather - napanood niyang mabaril si Rizal sa Bagumbayan, now Luneta (yep, my lolo was alive and of age during the Spanish period)
d. my paternal grandmother, whose cooking was legendary in Malabon
4 Places Ive been on Vacation (the last four)
a. Batangas
b. Tagaytay
c. Hong Kong
d. Bangkok, Thailand
4 Places I would Rather Be Right Now
a. with P
b. in heaven - yeah, i know it's not a place but a state of being, but, well, taken loosely...
c. happily retired with my retirement pay invested well enough to live off the returns - speaking of state of being, ito na rin
d. just home without worrying about earning enough
4 People I Wanna Tag (naku, hirap nito...not too many people read my blog, so...)
a. jen-c (mauto kaya ulit?)
b. jowi (ayan nakabawi rin!)
c. joa
d. kathy t
4 jobs I've had in my life:
a. Personal Banking Officer - current
b. Recruitment Assistant
c. HR Systems Assistant
d. Children's choir teacher (this is not the PYC, btw. I handled kids from 8-12 yrs old -- got paid, too. Awa ng Diyos a lot of them are now in the PYC and I feel sooooo old!!!!)
4 films I can watch over and over:
a. Forget Paris
b. Mga Kwento ni Lola Basyang
c. Big Time
d. Awakenings
4 places I have lived (in):
a. Tierra Pura, QC - current
b. SFDM, QC
c. Miriam College (heck, from nursery to senior high dun na ako e!)
d. hmm. wala na e.
4 TV programs I love to watch: (as in 4 programs my sister lets me watch)
a. Pinoy Big Brother hahahaha (grabe na si Bianca - affected daw ba ako?)
b. Extra Challenge
c. Katoque on QTV Ch11 - ang saya panoorin yung mga young urban chefs (so ano tawag sa kanila? "yuchies"? "yuffies"? hehehehe ampanget)
d. Magandang Umaga Pilipinas - syempre love your own! Wok with Chan ang drama ni kuya na nagbalik-South Beach Diet after having to gain weight in Zsazsa Zaturnnah..
4 places I would have visited had I had the money:
a. the Himalayas
b. the moon (para malaman ko kung hoax ang Apollo 11)
c. New Zealand
d. Palawan (hehehe at least ito palagay ko mapupuntahan ko talaga kung mga 2 months akong hindi gumamit ng credit card...)
4 websites i visit daily:
a. Yahoo! Mail - for yahoogroups updates
b. Gmail - ganun din
c. Yahoo! - somehow I haven't acquired the habit of using Google as a search engine. Parang mas gumagana ito for me.
d. any link on the sites above that catches my fancy
4 of my favorite foods:
a. kahit anong iluto ng nanay ko
b. nissin yakisoba chicken flavor (yung blue) - halos daily breakfast ko sa office, along with
c. pugon pinoy pandesal - found in congressional ave qc beside Mommy's Pancit Malabon and a few blocks away from Circle C mall na katabi ng Cherry Fooderama -- OA ba sa directions? I swear you have to try it! still at 2 bucks apiece, it's great kahit walang palaman...eons better than the pan de manila variety
d. max's fried chicken
4 places where I would want to die:
a. at home, from a terminal illness that hasn't affected any of my senses para slow and dramatic ang aking paglipas wahahaha
b. other than that, anywhere else basta patay ako agad at hindi ako mahihirapan
c. note lang, parang ayoko yata mamatay in my husband's arms...kawawa naman siya naunahan ko pa...unless sabay kami mamamatay at malalaki na yung mga anak namin
4 people (living/dead) who you want to meet:
a. The Creator - nga naman.
b. some guy i shared a class with in college whom i never had the guts to introduce myself to
c. my paternal grandfather - napanood niyang mabaril si Rizal sa Bagumbayan, now Luneta (yep, my lolo was alive and of age during the Spanish period)
d. my paternal grandmother, whose cooking was legendary in Malabon
4 Places Ive been on Vacation (the last four)
a. Batangas
b. Tagaytay
c. Hong Kong
d. Bangkok, Thailand
4 Places I would Rather Be Right Now
a. with P
b. in heaven - yeah, i know it's not a place but a state of being, but, well, taken loosely...
c. happily retired with my retirement pay invested well enough to live off the returns - speaking of state of being, ito na rin
d. just home without worrying about earning enough
4 People I Wanna Tag (naku, hirap nito...not too many people read my blog, so...)
a. jen-c (mauto kaya ulit?)
b. jowi (ayan nakabawi rin!)
c. joa
d. kathy t
and when i'm feeling blue, and i want you...
In the midst of meeting my month target, an office crisis and freak clients gravitating towards my desk every other hour this week, I found myself giggling like a high school freshman talking to a boy over the phone for the first time.
magaling ka kung na-click mo ito.
Perhaps it was because it reminded me of how I used to crush on the quiet ones. Ah, ewan. Basta alam ko wala itong kinalaman whatsoever sa aking couplehood. wahahaha! ang defensive.
O sha. shine na!
magaling ka kung na-click mo ito.
Perhaps it was because it reminded me of how I used to crush on the quiet ones. Ah, ewan. Basta alam ko wala itong kinalaman whatsoever sa aking couplehood. wahahaha! ang defensive.
O sha. shine na!
Monday, January 30, 2006
click here to play a game and win a prize!
nope, that's not a virus. but the game's fun... for a few minutes.
by the way, it's about BIG TIME, the funniest movie i've ever watched since Shrek 2 (not counting the Roderick Paulate reruns on the boob tube). it's still showing at all SM Cinemas, so i do hope you get to catch it. thanks to jen-c who has advertised Big Time again on her blog. i watched it again with her, and i'm willing to watch it again with anyone interested in reviving and revolutionizing the Philippine movie industry, or just for the heck of it.
watchitwatchitwatchit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just reached reached my month goal at work this week. 3 days from now it will be history and i'll be crawling my way with callused palms and skinned knees back to the top because i simply CANNOT miss my goals ever...
but for now, i'm just happy. =)
anyone in need of a personal loan or a credit card? (hahahaha do we reeeeeeeaaallly?) =)
Happy Chinese New Year! swerte kaya ang Goat ('79-ers) in the Year of the Dog?
next!
by the way, it's about BIG TIME, the funniest movie i've ever watched since Shrek 2 (not counting the Roderick Paulate reruns on the boob tube). it's still showing at all SM Cinemas, so i do hope you get to catch it. thanks to jen-c who has advertised Big Time again on her blog. i watched it again with her, and i'm willing to watch it again with anyone interested in reviving and revolutionizing the Philippine movie industry, or just for the heck of it.
watchitwatchitwatchit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
************
i just reached reached my month goal at work this week. 3 days from now it will be history and i'll be crawling my way with callused palms and skinned knees back to the top because i simply CANNOT miss my goals ever...
but for now, i'm just happy. =)
anyone in need of a personal loan or a credit card? (hahahaha do we reeeeeeeaaallly?) =)
Happy Chinese New Year! swerte kaya ang Goat ('79-ers) in the Year of the Dog?
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
every day's a new day
They say January is more a marrying month in the Philippines than June...methinks it's a toss-up between December and January judging from the number of weddings I've sung for in the transition between '05 and '06 (this picture is not included in my sweeping generalisation of Filipino statistics; the wedding happened in November...). Suffice it to say that if it weren't for good ol' salabat I 'd be sounding like Mary Walter.I'm still a sucker for nuptials, though; P snickers whenever he sees a tear welling up at the corner of my eye during the ceremony. E bakit ba? It's such a touching event, albeit nerve-wracking for those whom it's celebrated for; and I still marvel at the thought of it giving people a practically brand new life after an hour or so of singing, sacraments and shutter-controlled smiles.
Sigh. Such sweet traditions make me feel blessed to be young and alive in this period, in this world. Sana lang maabutan ko ito pag panahon ko na! =)
Thanks, Ina. =)
Sunday, January 15, 2006
i-spell yes, Y-E-S; i-spell no, N-O...
...and out you go!
sige na nga, patulan na ang tag.
terms per jowi are the ff:
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of his/her perfect lover.
2. Need to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they've been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, theres no need to post again.
so, here goes:
2. (inuna ko na ito para hindi na itanong.) target is *STRAIGHT!* male. ayoko maagawan.
1.1. he should love me within the period of time that i love him.
mahirap yung "he should love me" lang kasi baka kung kailan niya ako mamahalin saka pa
ako nawalan ng pagmamahal sa kanya e di ginulo pa niya buhay ko kung ganon!
(mega-explain ba?!?)
1.2. he should have respect for my family and friends, and his family and friends, too.
self-explanatory.
1.3. he should be physically attractive (at least to me).
honestly, i don't go for the Bench model types; i like my men flawed a bit pero basta 10 fingers, 10 toes (but not on the same hand/foot!), 5 senses working well, ok naman ang
skin, no bad BO (kasi may good body odors naman diba?) at mas matangkad sa akin.
1.4. he should be able to make me laugh, and laugh at my jokes!
again, self-explanatory.
1.5. he should have a sense of social responsibility.
tipong he doesn't live or make decisions solely for himself or his own betterment but
also for the "greater good".
1.6. he should have a healthy appreciation for music.
he doesn't have to be a singer or a musical artist, but should be able to
understand my passion for music and even share it.
1.7. he should have a ton of useless trivia/handy information to kill time for small talk.
i just love the radio DJ-types who know bits of stuff that they think no one else knows
and just say aloud out of the blue. it speaks a lot about the range of interests a person has.
1.8. he should be humble enough to accept his mistakes and even make fun of himself.
bwisit talaga ako sa mayabang at hindi tumatanggap ng pagkatalo o pagkapahiya.
3. i tag: gp, jeline, ria, jen-c, ina, bianca, joa and kathy. basically i tagged all those whose blogs i read except for jowi who tagged me first and carlo who got tagged already pero kinebs!
actually, medyo corny ang mga sagot ko kasi serious ako sumagot. masyado nga akong mabait kasi hindi ako naniniwala sa konsepto ng perfect lover na pwedeng mag-exist. pero ito lang (at ito totoo): when i read back the 8 points of my perfect lover, i realised i was describing just one guy. and i'm glad he's still with me. =)
corny talaga ng kuntento, noh?
haay. =)
sige na nga, patulan na ang tag.
terms per jowi are the ff:
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of his/her perfect lover.
2. Need to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they've been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, theres no need to post again.
so, here goes:
2. (inuna ko na ito para hindi na itanong.) target is *STRAIGHT!* male. ayoko maagawan.
1.1. he should love me within the period of time that i love him.
mahirap yung "he should love me" lang kasi baka kung kailan niya ako mamahalin saka pa
ako nawalan ng pagmamahal sa kanya e di ginulo pa niya buhay ko kung ganon!
(mega-explain ba?!?)
1.2. he should have respect for my family and friends, and his family and friends, too.
self-explanatory.
1.3. he should be physically attractive (at least to me).
honestly, i don't go for the Bench model types; i like my men flawed a bit pero basta 10 fingers, 10 toes (but not on the same hand/foot!), 5 senses working well, ok naman ang
skin, no bad BO (kasi may good body odors naman diba?) at mas matangkad sa akin.
1.4. he should be able to make me laugh, and laugh at my jokes!
again, self-explanatory.
1.5. he should have a sense of social responsibility.
tipong he doesn't live or make decisions solely for himself or his own betterment but
also for the "greater good".
1.6. he should have a healthy appreciation for music.
he doesn't have to be a singer or a musical artist, but should be able to
understand my passion for music and even share it.
1.7. he should have a ton of useless trivia/handy information to kill time for small talk.
i just love the radio DJ-types who know bits of stuff that they think no one else knows
and just say aloud out of the blue. it speaks a lot about the range of interests a person has.
1.8. he should be humble enough to accept his mistakes and even make fun of himself.
bwisit talaga ako sa mayabang at hindi tumatanggap ng pagkatalo o pagkapahiya.
3. i tag: gp, jeline, ria, jen-c, ina, bianca, joa and kathy. basically i tagged all those whose blogs i read except for jowi who tagged me first and carlo who got tagged already pero kinebs!
actually, medyo corny ang mga sagot ko kasi serious ako sumagot. masyado nga akong mabait kasi hindi ako naniniwala sa konsepto ng perfect lover na pwedeng mag-exist. pero ito lang (at ito totoo): when i read back the 8 points of my perfect lover, i realised i was describing just one guy. and i'm glad he's still with me. =)
corny talaga ng kuntento, noh?
haay. =)
Monday, January 09, 2006
and a rikitikitik and a blue black sheep!
had to be "tagged" to update my blog...but before I shout "Monkey!" to those who know what Annabelle means, plugging muna.
watch Big Time on Jan 25! click on my subject to get to the webpage.
i assure you it's freaking hilarious for the pinoy pop public (i.e. pre-PS2 kids who didn't have cable or PCs then and whiled their time away with local TV, movies and street games)!
bukas na lang ako magsasabi ng aking "tag-lines", hehehe =)
watch Big Time on Jan 25! click on my subject to get to the webpage.
i assure you it's freaking hilarious for the pinoy pop public (i.e. pre-PS2 kids who didn't have cable or PCs then and whiled their time away with local TV, movies and street games)!
bukas na lang ako magsasabi ng aking "tag-lines", hehehe =)
Friday, December 30, 2005
always (posing with) the bridesmaid(s)...
...but unfortunately never (with) the bride!
tama ba namang hindi pala kami nagpakuha ng pic with the bride on my digicam? :)
best wishes, sheila! and long live our barkada! :)
Sunday, November 06, 2005
you'll never know how much you pierce my spirit
The moon in the morning
Is watching the rain turn to snow
And outside my window
Sometimes the rain
Falls harder than you'll ever know
Sometimes the things that you love in the night
The morning will choose to forget
This is my last
My last cigarette
This is my last
Last cigarette
I have a habit that I have been trying to lose
Everyone thinks that they know what they want
But sometime your drug chooses you
There are some things that I've promised myself
Things that I haven't done yet
This is my last,
Last cigarette
This is my last
Last cigarette
Last cigarette
Sometimes the people we love in the night
The morning will choose to forget
This is my last,
Last cigarette
This is my last
Last cigarette
This is my last
Last cigarette
Ok, that's over. But what the hell, I might as well get some other stuff out here, too. di naman lahat pareho :)
I had my share of ghosts this week after different trips to the past. The first was the ghost of Christine past, the one who dutifully prayed the Rosary (with the Litany of the Blessed Mother) every day. I used to think I had such a great obligation to humanity -- I honestly believed that the world would be fine only if I prayed the Rosary at least once a day, and that things would go wrong if I didn't. I stopped the habit in the late nineties and that's when the Asian Crisis occurred and I got into UP. kebs. i'm not blaming UP though. :)
And so it happened that my great-aunt passed away two years ago and I was tasked by the family to lead in praying the Rosary every Nov 1 at the cemetery and during Holy Thursday at the Pabasa, since I was the only one who had enough patience to memorize the Litany. Now my mother still believes I kept the habit and I never made an effort to update her lest she think I've become an atheist like those UP kids (hahaha what a joke), the reason being it's always an advantage to be looked upon as the nice pious daughter (which I believe I still am sometimes -- with much emphasis on "some") so I could be trusted by my parents and my friends' parents who use me as an alibi (wahahaha).
The trouble is every year I'm beginning to forget. My heart beats wildly at the beginning of the Apostle's Creed while I'm struggling to remember every title Mother Mary had; heck, I don't even know the Mysteries of Light! Buti nga yung ibang misteryo alam ko pa kaso ngayon magulo na kung kelan kasi kasama na sa pagbibilang ng araw yung Mysteries of Light na yan! And after the Hail Holy Queen has been prayed, I find myself staring into oblivion and reciting the Litany as if in a trance...and it didn't help that my Tita has this habit of saying "Pray for us" automatically kahit hindi pa ako tapos. panicpanicpanicpanic! Fortunately nasa long-term memory ko pa rin naman yung Litany pero feeling ko umiikli na siya kasi nakakalimutan ko na yung iba, and one of these days I'll lose it completely...and when that day comes, my mom will surely get into a "you don't pray enough" sermon -- the kind my siblings hear -- and she will be crushed. Pakiramdam kasi ng nanay ko ako lang ang nakakaintindi sa kanya at sa sense of religiosity niya...and I wouldn't want her to feel alone in her prayerful life. So, the closed Catholic child in me haunts me every time I'm asked to lead the meditation of the beads.
She followed me to the second reunion party I had with my former choirmates as we celebrated the 10 years of our parish youth council last friday. A priest friend whom I knew since his freshman year at the seminary was there (who incidentally became our assistant parish priest this year), and asked me to go back to helping the new choir develop some sort of formation and commitment he saw in me and our old group. Sabi ko hindi ko na yata magagawa yon para sa kanila; besides, they're getting better every year. I handled that choir for 8 years and I never got them to sing more than two voices; now they're downloading pieces using Noteworthy and actually learning to read notes.
It was also at this party where I encountered another ghost. Funny I never really thought he'd show up again but he did. He was there the last time (which was a feat by itself) and now he's back. With a cigarette and a plastic cup of red wine waiting for me. I didn't hesitate and I pulled him out of the group and we hung out with 2 more of our old friends for a smoke. I asked him if he missed me. Of course he said yes; he always spoke the words I wanted to hear -- only this time I was careful not to believe too much (or is it that I don't care at all if it were true or not?). Around 1am while we were still gulping beers I asked to go ahead of them (I gave my sister permission to stay as her boyfriend was there to bring her home naman). Our gracious doctor hostess led me to the gate and he trotted along to bid me goodnight with a polite beso. And so I left with a smile -- but not looking back nor waiting for a chance to be alone with him -- as I was off to a few hours of sleep before I would drive to V Luna in the morning and take P home with me.
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