it's mighty quiet here now that you're gone...

I wasn't exactly hot about parties and reunions at our house when I was a kid and even as I grew older. What I hated about them, though, was the empty feeling that slowly sinks in when you're making your quick besos while saying goodbye and accompanying the last guests to the door and cleaning up after them.

The same loneliness grips me when the boyfriend starts the 'bye after hanging out at home. All of a sudden I'd get some divine inspiration and think about something insanely interesting to talk about and we'd realise we don't have time to talk anymore and it's so frustrating. I'd say, "tapos na yung party", and the mood really gets sullen and it's difficult for him to leave without a heavy heart. He'd call me once he gets home to catch up on that but it's not the same anymore -- much like melted ice cream that you put back in the freezer to ice up.

Last night, I and a few Soulsearch friends were at GP's till a bit before lunch today for his last weekend in the Philippines before leaving for the US tomorrow. I wasn't that reluctant to leave because we stayed up till 3am watching Shutter on dvd, then got up at 930 am for brunch and watched a ho-hum Queen(the Freddie Mercury band)-inspired six-part symphony also on dvd (i swear, we all were excited to listen to it at first but it was so damn kakaantok hehe pasosyal) and Joy and I were more than eager to catch some more winks at home before the racket of another set of visitors packing and leaving began.

A few hours after, this afternoon, my cousin, her husband and their adorable 16-month-old son left for Australia after visiting and staying at our place for almost 3 weeks. I actually waited for this day to come because it meant I'll be getting my room back and hopefully there wouldn't be any bugs on my bed. But I've slept in my own bed for 4 hours since they've gone, finally had the chance to logon and the sigh I'm heaving isn't of relief.

Tapos na kasi yung party e.

I never really got over that feeling. Maybe the oldies were right when they told us kids not to be too happy lest we want to be so sad soon after. (I thought they just didn't want me and my cousins laughing like a hundred mayas chirping because it annoyed them.) Maybe it's just the moon, or Mars (which I haven't seen yet pero dapat visible daw to the naked eye ngayon e kasi naman ulan nang ulan). Maybe it's separation anxiety or knowing that the break's over and you're going back to work the next day (but it's Sunday tomorrow and I hear it's a holiday on Monday).

Tracey Thorn sure got that feeling right when she sang about how Christmas Day is: it's cold and there's nothing to do (kasi nga naman tapos na ang caroling at simbang gabi at matanda na tayo masyado para mamasko pa).

Or maybe I just miss my little nephew.

just hold me close; don't patronize me...

I was reading blogs and chanced upon a discussion on heterosexual relationships in terms of the conditions which each sex role (i.e, whoever may be the "guy" or "girl" in a relationship) demands from the other which constitutes a "high maintenance" problem. (read about it here.) Dapat comment lang ito sa blog ni jowi pero humaba na at nag-error message pa kaya di ma-post so heto pinost ko na lang siya dito.

Napaisip ako sa 100%, less than 100%, at 200% levels of giving in a relationship.

I talked to my dad some months back and he told me he stopped weighing how much he loves my mom compared to how much my mom loves him. Actually, he stopped noticing anyone's level of affection altogether. Why? Because this liberated him from

• giving what's "expected" of him, and
  
• the depressing feeling that he doesn't get loved (or loved as much as he deserves) in return.

So, he simply LOVES.

Sabi niya, "lumaki na ang puso" niya enough to accept that my mom may not love him as much (or at least make him feel it), kasi pag umasa pa raw siya na papantayan yung love niya sasama lang ang loob niya at baka ikamatay pa niya. Eh 77 na siya! Hindi malayong mangyari talaga yun. Katakot diba? So, unconditional, unrequited (to some extent) and indefatigable love ang drama niya.

Hindi naman sa pa-martir effect siya (dahil malayo ang personality niya dun, I'm sure some of you know him), pero siguro ganoon na lang ka-encompassing yung love niya sa mom ko. hindi niya iniisip na wrong match sila dahil 27 years din naman sila at kung ayaw talaga nila sa isa't-isa, matagal na dapat tinapos sa sobrang daming hindi swak sa kanila. And I believe it's not just "because of the children". Basta ang importante sa tatay ko, tunay at wagas yung pag-ibig niya at hindi na siya naghihintay ng kapalit dun. *sniff*

So, for me, being unfair or selfish by not giving as much love as the other does is more of an observation based on one's perception than a fact. If you're the one who gives less, you may feel guilty but the other may not feel, uh, "offended" (for lack of a better term) but may just accept it as part of being in a relationship. In fact, the one who silently realizes s/he's getting less than what s/he deserves is the selfish one, kasi diba when you get into those things you don't really impose anything other than truth, fidelity and love which should be a given? (or "givens" kasi marami? hehehe) so dapat mamahalin ka niya despite that, at idededma mo ang guilt mo unless talagang napapaisip kang hindi mo na siya mahal at dapat naman sabihan mo siya. Pero syempre, may maaapakan kang feelings unless malaki yung puso niya. :)

Natuwa rin ako dun sa isang old entry ni Jen-C sa blog niya about unrequited love.

How (bitter)sweet.

squirrely wrath!

Was home alone the whole afternoon yesterday and decided to read email and friends' blogs while I had the room to myself. Joy and I have been nomads for the past few days since some of our balikbayan relatives came in from Australia, and it was comforting to go inside my room again and be able to logon...

After watching the numa-numa dance (both the original and the AI version), I chanced upon a skit featuring Foamy the Squirrel and I realised how much I missed this toon! Click on the subject title to select the episodes! My fave's entitled Small, Medium, Large which pokes fun at coffeeshops; then there's also the newest clip called Sacred Space...funny!

Hahahaha! defile! defile!

why i don't care much about high school reunions.

Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz.

faith, trust and pixiedust

The fire has been put out and the smoke has cleared.

All that is left is the ground where a tree used to be -- a shelter from which warmth, security and contentment emanated, and was a testimony to the love of the ones who cared for it when it was but a seedling, yet it was ravaged by a forest fire that began with a small, glowing cigarette butt thrown carelessly beside it.

In despair I fell to my knees and buried my face into my hands; it's gone, there is nothing to save. I held back the tears to hide the loss from everyone else and smiled emptily each day; I wept alone in the darkest hours of night, fervently whispering to God,

let it be all right, teach us how it is to truly love.

Then, from the blackened soil sprung forth a tiny sprout of green. Someone was nurturing such a fragile plant on damaged ground. Only a prayer could keep it alive. But he came by every day to tend to it as I watched from a distance. Soon I found myself drawn to this man's resilient soul; each day I inched a step closer until I knelt next to him. I was welcomed by a familiar face. His eyes searched mine for the hope I was trying to turn away from, and I saw through them an acceptance of divine will that calmly takes the pain but still believes that what has been lost may be regained.

And so with faith and a spirit that refuses to falter, we rebuild. It may not be easy, it will take long, but it will last.

you'd kill yourself for recognition;kill yourself to never, ever stop

Why is it that females are more likely to attempt suicide but more males complete the act and die?


Perhaps the motive or the objective is different for men and women. I won't go into a sweeping generalisation; neither will I satisfy the ego of some woman who unwittingly shocked the blood out of my system by writing about her (though I think certain circumstances have fed that already). I just can't help but wonder -- why bother slashing wrists when you can hit the jugular at one go?

I just started re-reading The Unbearable LIghtness of Being and there's this part where Tereza is telling Tomas about her dreams of Sabina and how she (Tereza) is so emotionally hurt that she dreams of stabbing needles under her fingernails to transfer the pain from her heart to her body. Tomas hears her out and takes her hands and kisses the tips of her fingers gingerly as though they have indeed felt the prick of the needles.

Oh, how women love physical drama. We'd cut our hair, starve ourselves thin, suffocate ourselves in corsets and get varicose veins from wearing stilettos to feel worthy of the praise the world endows on the beautiful, lucky ones. We'd break dinner plates, slit our wrists and kill fetuses to put that excalamation point in an otherwise unaccented conversation that means more than it sounds.

Maybe I'm just angry. Perhaps I'm just frustrated that the one thing I was proud of having melted like a black, disfigured plastic cup in a convection oven and appeared unfamiliar, even disgusting.

And so it is...

we're all so strong when nothing's wrong

Jc, a friend from Hangad, recently had his long locks chopped and got overboard reactions from people who expected him perhaps to give them a profound explanation for the drastic change in hairstyle. To the questions and lamentations he replied, "Mainit kasi," or "Di bale, hahaba rin naman ito eh."

I told him it was different for girls, most of whom I know have trimmed their tresses for a dramatic and tangible symbol of self-renewal, such as surviving a recent breakup.

a few days ago, I got a haircut myself.

Jim and Della

I just recovered from an hour-long flood of tears and sobs due to economic troubles right within the confines of my own home. The cries of political protest along Katipunan and Taft Avenues seem to have been drowned out by my own financial woes. I just realised I can't live within my present standards of living.

I'm decently compensated by my present company in terms of salary level; I do get commissions every now and then; my dollar account is ripe for peso conversion (with the current rate, i'm close to getting 500 bucks on top of the purchase price); and I barely reach a third of my credit cards' limit every month (which I dutifully pay in full on the due date).

However, I'm also paying for a 7-year car loan which cuts my salary in half every payday; the same car I use everyday and gas up for once a week; I'm contributing a considerable amount for my parents to use for household expenses since they've both retired from regular employment; I'm paying for our cable subscription that sucks; and I'm probably the only kid in this house who could manage to treat the family out for dinner when they feel like it (and believe me, this family loves to eat -- and eat in style).

I used to think that if I didn't have much money I'd probably lose weight. Alas, I've gained more pounds by eating house food, losing the budget for weekly badminton games, and due to stress. Add to that my recent health breakdown which resulted in buying PHP2k worth of prescription antibiotics when all I had to do was just to lie in bed for 2 days and drink a lot of water to combat the fever and colds (I waited in the outpatient clinic for 4 hours just because the clerks at the ER told me I wasn't an emergency case -- yeah, like having a 41-degree fever is nothing to be alarmed about).

I don't want to think anymore about how much I used to make at my old job which required tons of paid overtime work; that's history and I'm glad to be with the people I work with right now. I just hate realising that I can't even go to Jollibee anymore to buy myself a 1-piece chickenjoy meal because it's too expensive. My resources are not as liquid as I'd like them to be, and my salary just goes from my personal account to the loans, bills and other obligations I have to settle, leaving me with less than a Ninoy to live off the next two weeks until another pseudo payday comes. Heck, I even had to force myself to get a haircut (the subtlety of which does not reflect its monetary value), when I used to love to go to the salon and have my hair styled while getting a pedicure-manicure. And the final blow may just be the reluctant decision to sell my beautiful Korg Trinity...

P told me he was scared of how I've enslaved myself in a "live-for-the-moment" lifestyle. Sana kasi kung yung objective ng "live-for-the moment" was carpe diem; but no, it's more of isang kahig, isang tuka. I feel guilty whenever I think about spending for myself, but I also make my family feel miserable when I rant about not having money while I faithfully credit funds into my dad's account. P warned me about this no-win situation wherein nobody's happy because both parties lose the pleasure of giving and receiving when you know there's not much to go around. We may as well be like the James Dillingham Youngs who bittersweetly discovered how one would go to extreme lengths to please the other one poignant Christmas evening.

Oh, well. Tomorrow I will earn my living once more, and my hair still grows. White.

By the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone

I've often mentioned (and pondered upon in silence) that there are ties that have to be broken in order for someone to grow and move on. You may as well know I've had my share of these -- some of which died a natural death, with a few that entailed a lot of painful effort to let go of. Still I struggled and eventually accepted the fact that the world does not revolve around me, and life goes on and even gets better.

But every once in a while scenes play in my idle mind, of days shared with those friends I have left behind. As I close my eyes I find myself immersed in those moments...all of a sudden I'm back there awkwardly playing basketball in the high school court with her, I'm hearing his nervous voice over the phone at 10AM saying "good evening", she's holding my hand at the bleachers telling me "no goodbyes", he does an Amelie and I'm stunned and there's no time to react adversely as I look into his lovely eyes as he leaves without a word, and I laugh when he stops his car in the middle of the road and looks at me as though he's caught with his pants down.

These five episodes I remember most, and I can't help but miss, because I know they have all gone. Not that I'm lonely, which I'm far from being; and not that they can't be contacted (as a matter of fact they're pretty much still around my social circle) -- it's the indifference in reality that sometimes stumps me.

Lately I've gotten in touch with two of them on separate occasions, and, well, it feels strange to find that they want to make up for lost time; honestly, I don't know if I want to, too. Last time I tried that I just blabbed nonstop and felt like I was talking to a wall -- it just didn't seem natural to me anymore, and I'm sure the other felt the same. But on the way home I remember again how it used to be, and it's such a shock for me to realise how I've managed not to feel anything anymore after all that.

After conditioning one's self to breaking ties and moving on, how does one entertain a sincere invitation to renewal? Is it right to say, "I'm sorry, I wish I could, but I can't"?

now if only the name came with the body...

Your Sexy Brazilian Name Is

Tâmira Otelo

What's Your Sexy Brazilian Name?

when nothing else remains, love letters become paper planes

Boo Hewerdine.

He formed the band The Bible in the 80s which released a minor hit, "Honey Be Good" (lyrics you can scroll from here) from its second album Eureka. I chanced upon an acoustic version of that song on NU a few nights ago and it really caught on. Unfortunately Boo's website only has the old band version which I didn't like as much as the pure acoustic guitar one.

Incidentally, he also wrote "Patience of Angels" for Eddi Reader in 1992.

Listen to his poignant "Paper Planes" here.

sigh. these nerds. i gotta meet them at least once in this lifetime.

hmm. who needs a STARE? =)

Thug Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

the itchy and scratchy show

was supposed to go to a party tonight, but the hard rain created a lake on our street and my dad told me not to go out anymore so i'm stuck here at home trying to stop myself from giving in to my allergy's itch and worrying about sleeping on my bed with fresh sheets (read: new, untested and potentially allergenic material) which may end up giving me another batch of rashes. and, i just deleted a half-page full entry dedicated to my low skin immunity because this says it all: ***SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH rubbing alcohol AAAHHH X-mark with fingernail on the rash***

iba na talaga mga insekto ngayon, sosyal na gamot ang kailangan tapos ang tagal mawala ng marks. i remember how my mom used to put Vicks Vaporub on my mosquito bites to relieve them tapos kinabukasan makinis na ulit yung balat ko. it made me wonder how the Vicks people ignored this function in commercials and just concentrated on the cold-cough "haplos ng ginhawa" drama. i tried treating myself with that when i had a bad cold and i ended up not having a good night's rest; the balm stuck to my nightgown and felt icky. the "steam bath" option was ok, a la facial sauna with a tablespoon of the balm in a tabo of hot water, but it gave those who wanted to use the tabo for its other usual function quite a *tingling* experience and i had to wash it with hard detergent to get the ointment off the surface anubato issue pa rin sa akin?!? di naman ako masyadong affected noh?

napaisip tuloy ako kung ano pa yung mga products na may iba pang function other than the recommended use....hmm.

sige isip muna ako para malibang at hindi maloka sa pagkamot.

all of a sudden i forgot there was a mass starting and i just ran to the back of the church to hug him! i couldn't believe he's HERE!!!! 

i saw this guy in church and whispered to elaine, "hey look, there's a guy who looks like gp," then she smiled a big wide grin and stayed silent. 

ordinary people

seeing john legend sing and play the piano online made me remember soulsearch...para siyang nasa bahay nina jeline, and the lively sound of the keys reminded me of gp and how we all used to just hang around each other's houses and play and sing and laugh even all at the same time!

haaay. memories. miss ko na kayo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i was drawn to the song naman while driving to work (which is about a song away from my house)...i chanced upon it on a station i used to listen to until my favorite dj called me a bitch on-air and eventually retired (that story in another post soon). i was contemplating about how difficult it was for me to resist being childish and demanding at the busiest of times for both p and me, and what struck me most were the lyrics -- i was close to just stopping in the middle of commonwealth avenue and shouting, "YES!!! SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS!!!" grabe talaga. natumbok ng walanghiya niya. bullseye. naiyak ako nang di-oras.

if any one of you cares to listen to it (you can check out the video dun sa Media portion ng website), would you tell me what other song has that "woh-oh-oh-ohhhhhh" adlib at the end of the chorus? it's driving me nuts and i can't sleep thinking about it!!! parang pang-broadway yung kanta eh...or is it a barbra streisand hit? or both?

* * * *

i'd never try to give my life meaning by demeaning you...

i came from a seminar in makati today and had the company car reserved for my use since coding ang car ko. pauwi hindi na ako maihatid kasi makati ang central "station" ng lahat ng bank cars so i hitched a ride with my officemate to qc. had myself dropped off to east ave (half-hoping i'd see p in v luna which didn't happen anyway),then rode a jeep from east ave back to commonwealth around 6pm to save money on taxi fare. the smallest bill i had was php20 and i was near the driver enough to see he didn't have enough change so i decided to wait till we were near tandang sora so more passengers could load more loose change before finally yelling "bayad po!" to the driver.

we weren't too far away from glori's when 2 young men hailed the jeep, got in and sat beside me. bayad naman sila agad (at siniguro kong barya yung binayad nila) tapos andami ring bumaba after a few meters more. pero wala pa rin yung sukli ko.

tapos may inabot na sukli yung driver na pinasa-pasa ng mga pasahero sa side ko till it reached the young man beside me. he was holding onto it like he was about to pass it to me but he didn't, and his face was quite, well, undecided. so he kept the change clutched in his hand. naisip ko naman baka kanya yun so i didn't mind, but then i was near my drop off and i still didn't get my change so i called out to the driver again and asked for it. the driver looked at me through the rearview mirror, puzzled, but started to sort his coins then suddenly the guy beside me gave me the change he was holding.

ABA! akin pala talaga yun!

nainis ako paakyat sa overpass, and all i could think about was, may mga tao pala talagang gugulangan ka kahit parang hindi naman worth the trouble. i mean, that was php14.50 -- less than a burger he would've wanted to buy for his date that night -- though it would've been enough for the return trip home for the two of them...but hey! i barely have loose change for myself after computing all my expenses, so i really needed that money, too. pang-almusal ko rin yun (pandesal at 3-in-1) noh!

at hindi kasali sa issue na magkaiba kami ng social status dahil para sa akin, pare-pareho tayong lahat (by "lahat" i mean all those who make an honest living) pagdating sa pagkayod. sure, some get paid more and some get paid less than others, but we all have necessities and responsibilities attached to that financial state which may make a store manager no richer than a taho vendor.

pagbaba ko ng overpass papunta sa kotse ko, i sighed. hay naku. kelan pa ba talaga uunlad ang pilipinas kung nagdadayaan tayo?

"why can't it wait till morning?..."

an audio clip of the original song from Phil Collins' album Hello, I Must Be Going may be found here.

you may listen to another version from the group Fourplay(still with Mr Collins on vocals) 's album Elixir here.

lyrics, of course, are clickable on the post title above.

*****

"...because that time may never come."

*****

Y los pajaros vuelvan a la velocidad del sonido...

Coldplay is back.

i was just surfing with a web radio on and caught this song that suspiciously sounded like chris martin and it happened to be him and the rest of the group with Speed of Sound, the first single off the new album X & Y to be released sometime this month (so...when will it be available in the Philippines? *sigh*) and it sounds very Coldplay with the usual piano-guitar-drums, LSS lyrics and glue-to-brain riffs. come to think of it, it sounds so much like Clocks, which i don't mind at all because i like them enough to let the familiarity pass...besides, it'll work in their favor as the new album will most probably be another hit.

3 commercially successful albums is not bad for a band who used to be chided as a Radiohead ripoff (well, we've got Keane to cover that department Ü ) and who may as well have gone into the mainstream market with Yellow hideously "revived" by some woman (the song isn't that old to be rehashed!!!!), and, of course, the gwyneth paltrow factor sealed Coldplay's fate as a pop rock group...or, at the very least, an alternative sad-bastard-rock band who has pop fans. Ü

speaking of new singles, i also recently came across DMB's fresh release, American Baby, over 88.3. i almost didn't believe it was DMB because of the many bands whose singers are Dave Matthews wannabes (a perfect example is Blue Merle -- but i still like them! the mandolin sounds so clean!), but i checked it out online and saw the video. Ham nga! Ü

all these new songs made me click on Kazaa again and try to download them -- but i gave up after 10 tracks on queue which turned out to be sample loops of the song's first 30 seconds. grrr!! sabi ko nga hintayin ko na lang yung album e.

if we took a holiday...

what's lousier than labor day sunday?

a delayed announcement of labor day monday.

the weekend is drifting by and tomorrow is looming without a getaway plan.

sigh.