not like I faint every time we touch...

you're humming to yourself, aren't you? vanilla skies...white picket fences in your eyes...

***

segue muna ako sa walang kinalaman...we were singing for the Good Friday mass and we were tasked to do the "Crowd" role in the Passion Gospel kasi kulang sa missalette at hindi nalagay sa powerpoint guide for the congregation. A resourceful choirmate copied the lines on his cellphone via text so we could all participate, and everything went well until we asked Simon Peter:

"You are not one of His disciples, are you not?"

waaah! feel na feel ko pa naman!

bow. now back to the program...

***

You know how it is when you tell someone about a crush and then all of a sudden the excitement disappears and you feel nothing at all anymore?

Ayun. That's what happened to me and my little story. Buti naman. Sa ka-iintriga ng mga tao namatay tuloy at mukhang hindi na mabubuhay pa ulit...perhaps it's also the non-fun of it being so secret, so unusual and so out-of-myself (to this day, nobody got to know who he was, and even if I named him no one would still know him!) that let the air out of the puny day-old balloon that was the almost-crush of my post-adolescent life.

In the spirit of things I even talked to P about bumping into an old classmate's website -- well, actually, I proactively searched for the guy on friendster (lekat na friendster talaga o!) and found him and his blog there. After reading some old entries I really got to thinking that perhaps we could've been friends if I allowed myself to go up to him and introduce myself. Back then in school, he seemed like the mysterious, stuck-in-books, reserved type. I figured, he probably wouldn't be the least bit interested in me. Reading about him now gave me a clearer picture of him and made me think otherwise...kapal noh? But I mean that in all platonic honesty. He's got not a few similarities to a bunch of guys I was close to before, and given my vulnerability at the time, it was highly likely that I would've even seriously fallen for him if I got to know him better (heck, I remember gushing about his name! his name sounded like music to my ears! I would tell my non-school chums about him like a child, as though he were an imaginary friend!). He was like my Damon Bradley that I would someday meet and who knows, would turn out to be my destiny...syempre uso noon ang "Only You" kaya gumaya naman daw ako!

But fate took an interesting turn and made me fall for the friend I least expected to fall for. He would laugh at my jokes and didn't mind me swooning over someone else I knew nothing about save for a name I peeked at from the attendance list. At the end of that class we'd go to SM North Edsa to watch funny, corny and downright trashy movies together and enjoyed every minute of all of them. We camped out in ISMED to watch a meteor shower, marveled at the city lights viewed atop Kelly Heights one blackout night, explored the mystical books and trinkets at Aura Cafe while being the only audience (unmindful and unattentive at that) of Ciudad who was playing unfamiliar originals. He was my tag-along-anywhere buddy.
And he remains to be the one I dream of going with everywhere.

So now, after 6 years of committed contentment, I chance upon the goofy pictures and published times of the guy I wore short shorts and high-heeled sandals for in class. Well?
I'm still contented.

Hahaha. Crushes.

Sometimes the one who doesn't make your heart skip a beat turns out to be the one that keeps it beating for the rest of your life.

quid est veritas?

Happy Easter to you all!

The quote above is a Vulgate ("street") Latin translation of Pontius Pilate's question to Jesus: "What is truth?". I thought about a lot of "truths" during the Holy Week, especially at the Paschal Triduum:

1. Palm Sunday - went to a recollection and mostly prayed using the Ignatian method known as contemplation, or imagining a scene from Scripture and putting oneself as one of the characters. We focused on the Last Supper scene and I was particularly moved by the insight that everyone, not only Jesus and the Twelve, but even the female cooks and handmaidens, were blessed and given importance. Then, I watched The Gospel of Judas on National Geographic and pondered on the possibility that Jesus Himself asked Judas Iscariot to prepare for His suffering and ultimate death in order to "sacrifice the man that clothes" Him. Again, there was an interesting insight from the show: even then, during the early days, there have been many interpretations of Christianity, and the discovery of this text gives us the idea that there once had been a group of Christians who thought that the relationship between Jesus Christ and Judas was significant, and that they were able to celebrate and glorify the existence of Judas.
   
2. Holy Wednesday - went out to dinner with a few people at the branch and expressed our thoughts on the officer reshuffle at the back office. I felt it was timely, given the fact that it's Holy Week and we should think about forgiveness. Some of us thought otherwise and felt she deserved the Calvary she got herself into. Anyway, it will end with her transferring and I'm hopeful that her life will be less, uh, dramatic.
   
3. Maundy Thursday - gone to Bulacan for the family Pasyon or Pabasa and finished chanting at about 5pm. After singing the Tagalog verses, I had an appreciation for the sensual (meant here as intense use of the five senses) nature of the language and how it creates such vivid images of the last days of Christ. It's senakulo on paper! At the same time, it made me think about why it had to be so; it was a form of inculturation, and scriptural scenes had to be interpreted in such a way that it would fit into the mold of the Filipino epic song, with familiar elements such as the "good triumphs over evil" theme, mystical events and legends.
   
4. Good Friday - went to and sang for the Friday service at Gesu (Mass and Way of the Cross). Dad went with Ate to a different service (a Spiritist session) in Malabon to hear reflections on the holy days. He came home asking me about the Gospel of Judas, the Da Vinci Code, and was so excited about the possibility that more people would embrace the philosophy that has fascinated him all his life. This got me thinking: all my life, the religion I furiously defended was carved from readings approved by elders (who insisted the world was flat and prosecuted anyone who thought otherwise), and mindlessly disregarded all other references which they found difficult to understand and thus difficult to teach to common people whom they wanted to recruit into the flock. There have been a lot of other perspectives labeled as heresy, thrown to and lost in the wind, and those which remained to this day are still scoffed at, like my dad's, only because it's not included in the canonical gospels and they don't practice it within the fundamental faith.
5. Black Saturday - watched a rerun of The Passion Recut, and over lunch Kuya volunteered to buy a pirated DVD of the movie instead of having to watch it right now. I told him, "Kumusta naman ang pagbili ng pirated DVD ng Banal na Kasulatan, noh?", to which he replied, "Eh kumusta din naman na nakakita ka pa ng difference sa pagbili ng pirated DVD ng regular movie at Banal na Kasulatan?" -- nga naman.
   
6. Easter Vigil - read the Second Reading -- a loong narration of the Parting of the Red Sea, and sang the responsorial psalm. Also liked Fr. Arnel's homily on salvation history -- that God has been redeeming His people since the Old Testament, and ultimately sacrifices His Son and resurrects Him in the New Testament, but they still don't get the fact that they have been saved many times over! Fr. Arnel began with telling the Oprah episode where everyone in the audience got a brand new car and found themselves stunned and dumbfounded before it dawned on them that something so wonderful had been unbelievably presented to them. I also bumped into an old friend which started another buzz of gossip in the family car on the way home (but it's not about me!)...I guess one person's suffering is another's redemption.
   

Well, that's about it. I gotta catch some zzzz's as I'm off to a baptism in Antipolo this morning! I wonder who else is invited in our little group....

sige, patulan ang tag...

got this from Ria.

4 jobs I've had in my life:
a. Personal Banking Officer - current
b. Recruitment Assistant
c. HR Systems Assistant
d. Children's choir teacher (this is not the PYC, btw. I handled kids from 8-12 yrs old -- got paid, too. Awa ng Diyos a lot of them are now in the PYC and I feel sooooo old!!!!)

4 films I can watch over and over:
a. Forget Paris
b. Mga Kwento ni Lola Basyang
c. Big Time
d. Awakenings

4 places I have lived (in):
a. Tierra Pura, QC - current
b. SFDM, QC
c. Miriam College (heck, from nursery to senior high dun na ako e!)
d. hmm. wala na e.

4 TV programs I love to watch: (as in 4 programs my sister lets me watch)
a. Pinoy Big Brother hahahaha (grabe na si Bianca - affected daw ba ako?)
b. Extra Challenge
c. Katoque on QTV Ch11 - ang saya panoorin yung mga young urban chefs (so ano tawag sa kanila? "yuchies"? "yuffies"? hehehehe ampanget)
d. Magandang Umaga Pilipinas - syempre love your own! Wok with Chan ang drama ni kuya na nagbalik-South Beach Diet after having to gain weight in Zsazsa Zaturnnah..

4 places I would have visited had I had the money:
a. the Himalayas
b. the moon (para malaman ko kung hoax ang Apollo 11)
c. New Zealand
d. Palawan (hehehe at least ito palagay ko mapupuntahan ko talaga kung mga 2 months akong hindi gumamit ng credit card...)

4 websites i visit daily:
a. Yahoo! Mail - for yahoogroups updates
b. Gmail - ganun din
c. Yahoo! - somehow I haven't acquired the habit of using Google as a search engine. Parang mas gumagana ito for me.
d. any link on the sites above that catches my fancy

4 of my favorite foods:
a. kahit anong iluto ng nanay ko
b. nissin yakisoba chicken flavor (yung blue) - halos daily breakfast ko sa office, along with
c. pugon pinoy pandesal - found in congressional ave qc beside Mommy's Pancit Malabon and a few blocks away from Circle C mall na katabi ng Cherry Fooderama -- OA ba sa directions? I swear you have to try it! still at 2 bucks apiece, it's great kahit walang palaman...eons better than the pan de manila variety
d. max's fried chicken

4 places where I would want to die:
a. at home, from a terminal illness that hasn't affected any of my senses para slow and dramatic ang aking paglipas wahahaha
b. other than that, anywhere else basta patay ako agad at hindi ako mahihirapan
c. note lang, parang ayoko yata mamatay in my husband's arms...kawawa naman siya naunahan ko pa...unless sabay kami mamamatay at malalaki na yung mga anak namin

4 people (living/dead) who you want to meet:
a. The Creator - nga naman.
b. some guy i shared a class with in college whom i never had the guts to introduce myself to
c. my paternal grandfather - napanood niyang mabaril si Rizal sa Bagumbayan, now Luneta (yep, my lolo was alive and of age during the Spanish period)
d. my paternal grandmother, whose cooking was legendary in Malabon

4 Places Ive been on Vacation (the last four)
a. Batangas
b. Tagaytay
c. Hong Kong
d. Bangkok, Thailand

4 Places I would Rather Be Right Now
a. with P
b. in heaven - yeah, i know it's not a place but a state of being, but, well, taken loosely...
c. happily retired with my retirement pay invested well enough to live off the returns - speaking of state of being, ito na rin
d. just home without worrying about earning enough

4 People I Wanna Tag (naku, hirap nito...not too many people read my blog, so...)
a. jen-c (mauto kaya ulit?)
b. jowi (ayan nakabawi rin!)
c. joa
d. kathy t

and when i'm feeling blue, and i want you...

In the midst of meeting my month target, an office crisis and freak clients gravitating towards my desk every other hour this week, I found myself giggling like a high school freshman talking to a boy over the phone for the first time.
magaling ka kung na-click mo ito.

Perhaps it was because it reminded me of how I used to crush on the quiet ones. Ah, ewan. Basta alam ko wala itong kinalaman whatsoever sa aking couplehood. wahahaha! ang defensive.

O sha. shine na!

click here to play a game and win a prize!

nope, that's not a virus. but the game's fun... for a few minutes.

next!

by the way, it's about BIG TIME, the funniest movie i've ever watched since Shrek 2 (not counting the Roderick Paulate reruns on the boob tube). it's still showing at all SM Cinemas, so i do hope you get to catch it. thanks to jen-c who has advertised Big Time again on her blog. i watched it again with her, and i'm willing to watch it again with anyone interested in reviving and revolutionizing the Philippine movie industry, or just for the heck of it.

watchitwatchitwatchit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

************

i just reached reached my month goal at work this week. 3 days from now it will be history and i'll be crawling my way with callused palms and skinned knees back to the top because i simply CANNOT miss my goals ever...

but for now, i'm just happy. =)

anyone in need of a personal loan or a credit card? (hahahaha do we reeeeeeeaaallly?) =)

Happy Chinese New Year! swerte kaya ang Goat ('79-ers) in the Year of the Dog?

every day's a new day

They say January is more a marrying month in the Philippines than June...methinks it's a toss-up between December and January judging from the number of weddings I've sung for in the transition between '05 and '06 (this picture is not included in my sweeping generalisation of Filipino statistics; the wedding happened in November...). Suffice it to say that if it weren't for good ol' salabat I 'd be sounding like Mary Walter.

I'm still a sucker for nuptials, though; P snickers whenever he sees a tear welling up at the corner of my eye during the ceremony. E bakit ba? It's such a touching event, albeit nerve-wracking for those whom it's celebrated for; and I still marvel at the thought of it giving people a practically brand new life after an hour or so of singing, sacraments and shutter-controlled smiles.

Sigh. Such sweet traditions make me feel blessed to be young and alive in this period, in this world. Sana lang maabutan ko ito pag panahon ko na! =)

Thanks, Ina. =)

i-spell yes, Y-E-S; i-spell no, N-O...

...and out you go!

sige na nga, patulan na ang tag.

terms per jowi are the ff:

1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of his/her perfect lover.
2. Need to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they've been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, theres no need to post again.

so, here goes:

2. (inuna ko na ito para hindi na itanong.) target is *STRAIGHT!* male. ayoko maagawan.

1.1. he should love me within the period of time that i love him.
mahirap yung "he should love me" lang kasi baka kung kailan niya ako mamahalin saka pa
ako nawalan ng pagmamahal sa kanya e di ginulo pa niya buhay ko kung ganon!
(mega-explain ba?!?)

1.2. he should have respect for my family and friends, and his family and friends, too.
self-explanatory.

1.3. he should be physically attractive (at least to me).
honestly, i don't go for the Bench model types; i like my men flawed a bit pero basta 10 fingers, 10 toes (but not on the same hand/foot!), 5 senses working well, ok naman ang
skin, no bad BO (kasi may good body odors naman diba?) at mas matangkad sa akin.

1.4. he should be able to make me laugh, and laugh at my jokes!
again, self-explanatory.

1.5. he should have a sense of social responsibility.
tipong he doesn't live or make decisions solely for himself or his own betterment but
also for the "greater good".
1.6. he should have a healthy appreciation for music.
he doesn't have to be a singer or a musical artist, but should be able to
understand my passion for music and even share it.

1.7. he should have a ton of useless trivia/handy information to kill time for small talk.
i just love the radio DJ-types who know bits of stuff that they think no one else knows
and just say aloud out of the blue. it speaks a lot about the range of interests a person has.

1.8. he should be humble enough to accept his mistakes and even make fun of himself.
bwisit talaga ako sa mayabang at hindi tumatanggap ng pagkatalo o pagkapahiya.

3. i tag: gp, jeline, ria, jen-c, ina, bianca, joa and kathy. basically i tagged all those whose blogs i read except for jowi who tagged me first and carlo who got tagged already pero kinebs!

actually, medyo corny ang mga sagot ko kasi serious ako sumagot. masyado nga akong mabait kasi hindi ako naniniwala sa konsepto ng perfect lover na pwedeng mag-exist. pero ito lang (at ito totoo): when i read back the 8 points of my perfect lover, i realised i was describing just one guy. and i'm glad he's still with me. =)

corny talaga ng kuntento, noh?

haay. =)

and a rikitikitik and a blue black sheep!

had to be "tagged" to update my blog...but before I shout "Monkey!" to those who know what Annabelle means, plugging muna.

watch Big Time on Jan 25! click on my subject to get to the webpage.
i assure you it's freaking hilarious for the pinoy pop public (i.e. pre-PS2 kids who didn't have cable or PCs then and whiled their time away with local TV, movies and street games)!

bukas na lang ako magsasabi ng aking "tag-lines", hehehe =)

always (posing with) the bridesmaid(s)...

...but unfortunately never (with) the bride!

tama ba namang hindi pala kami nagpakuha ng pic with the bride on my digicam? :)

best wishes, sheila! and long live our barkada! :)

you'll never know how much you pierce my spirit

For Jowi. It still gives me the jitters when something happens to me and just when I 'm about to collect my thoughts and type them on a post, I read your blog and it's all written there.


Last Cigarette (Hewerdine / Clark / MacColl)

The moon in the morning
Is watching the rain turn to snow
And outside my window
Sometimes the rain
Falls harder than you'll ever know
Sometimes the things that you love in the night
The morning will choose to forget
This is my last
My last cigarette
This is my last
Last cigarette

I have a habit that I have been trying to lose
Everyone thinks that they know what they want
But sometime your drug chooses you
There are some things that I've promised myself
Things that I haven't done yet
This is my last,
Last cigarette
This is my last
Last cigarette
Last cigarette

Sometimes the people we love in the night
The morning will choose to forget
This is my last,
Last cigarette
This is my last
Last cigarette
This is my last
Last cigarette

*****

Ok, that's over. But what the hell, I might as well get some other stuff out here, too. di naman lahat pareho :)

I had my share of ghosts this week after different trips to the past. The first was the ghost of Christine past, the one who dutifully prayed the Rosary (with the Litany of the Blessed Mother) every day. I used to think I had such a great obligation to humanity -- I honestly believed that the world would be fine only if I prayed the Rosary at least once a day, and that things would go wrong if I didn't. I stopped the habit in the late nineties and that's when the Asian Crisis occurred and I got into UP. kebs. i'm not blaming UP though. :)

And so it happened that my great-aunt passed away two years ago and I was tasked by the family to lead in praying the Rosary every Nov 1 at the cemetery and during Holy Thursday at the Pabasa, since I was the only one who had enough patience to memorize the Litany. Now my mother still believes I kept the habit and I never made an effort to update her lest she think I've become an atheist like those UP kids (hahaha what a joke), the reason being it's always an advantage to be looked upon as the nice pious daughter (which I believe I still am sometimes -- with much emphasis on "some") so I could be trusted by my parents and my friends' parents who use me as an alibi (wahahaha).

The trouble is every year I'm beginning to forget. My heart beats wildly at the beginning of the Apostle's Creed while I'm struggling to remember every title Mother Mary had; heck, I don't even know the Mysteries of Light! Buti nga yung ibang misteryo alam ko pa kaso ngayon magulo na kung kelan kasi kasama na sa pagbibilang ng araw yung Mysteries of Light na yan! And after the Hail Holy Queen has been prayed, I find myself staring into oblivion and reciting the Litany as if in a trance...and it didn't help that my Tita has this habit of saying "Pray for us" automatically kahit hindi pa ako tapos. panicpanicpanicpanic! Fortunately nasa long-term memory ko pa rin naman yung Litany pero feeling ko umiikli na siya kasi nakakalimutan ko na yung iba, and one of these days I'll lose it completely...and when that day comes, my mom will surely get into a "you don't pray enough" sermon -- the kind my siblings hear -- and she will be crushed. Pakiramdam kasi ng nanay ko ako lang ang nakakaintindi sa kanya at sa sense of religiosity niya...and I wouldn't want her to feel alone in her prayerful life. So, the closed Catholic child in me haunts me every time I'm asked to lead the meditation of the beads.

She followed me to the second reunion party I had with my former choirmates as we celebrated the 10 years of our parish youth council last friday. A priest friend whom I knew since his freshman year at the seminary was there (who incidentally became our assistant parish priest this year), and asked me to go back to helping the new choir develop some sort of formation and commitment he saw in me and our old group. Sabi ko hindi ko na yata magagawa yon para sa kanila; besides, they're getting better every year. I handled that choir for 8 years and I never got them to sing more than two voices; now they're downloading pieces using Noteworthy and actually learning to read notes.

It was also at this party where I encountered another ghost. Funny I never really thought he'd show up again but he did. He was there the last time (which was a feat by itself) and now he's back. With a cigarette and a plastic cup of red wine waiting for me. I didn't hesitate and I pulled him out of the group and we hung out with 2 more of our old friends for a smoke. I asked him if he missed me. Of course he said yes; he always spoke the words I wanted to hear -- only this time I was careful not to believe too much (or is it that I don't care at all if it were true or not?). Around 1am while we were still gulping beers I asked to go ahead of them (I gave my sister permission to stay as her boyfriend was there to bring her home naman). Our gracious doctor hostess led me to the gate and he trotted along to bid me goodnight with a polite beso. And so I left with a smile -- but not looking back nor waiting for a chance to be alone with him -- as I was off to a few hours of sleep before I would drive to V Luna in the morning and take P home with me.

time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'...

...into the future. and right back to reality! AAAHHH!!! work starts anew!

another long weekend has flown by with nothing much happening but too many things planned -- though i must say 3 unplanned events made up for it in terms of personal gratification but they aren't really worth talking about. to those planned events i failed to show up for or didn't even materialize, my apologies. (now my problem is which barkada reunion i'll be setting up or going to in the next long weekend!)

at least nakatulog rin ako for the most part of that vacation. kaso what i hate is all saints' day being at the tailend of this break and being the most tiring day at that. imagine going to 2 cemeteries, spending at least 4 hours on each (not counting travel time) which means we'll be up by 6am and reach home by 8pm. and i am still not sleeping to prepare for this day!!!!

* * * * * *

was driving with my sister to hangad practice last week and we chanced upon a remake of Seal's Crazy and I couldn't believe my ears -- it was Alanis Morissette! The one thought in my head was which cd it was available because I know all her albums bear all-original tacks (save for jagged little pill acoustic which is a 10th year tribute to her first -- and best -- album to date) and I felt soooo frustrated because it was a good cover, true to the original but still having that glen ballard drive that sounds so familiar it almost seemed like a follow-up to You Oughta Know...I know I'm blabbing too much but I'm really an alanis fan and it's my blog anyway so shut your eyes if you don't want to read on. More on Jagged Little Pill...

...it was such a treat to have the new acoustic album of JLP and revisit the songs after a decade. At 15, I was close to emailing Alanis and telling her how her songs in the debut release of JLP have helped me during my teen years of angst and repressing improprieties...suffice to say that was probably her point in releasing those compositions to the public and I guess millions of 15-21 year-old schoolgirls had the same awakening as I.

The acoustic versions have a feel of "Been there, done that" (or is it more like "Been there, f*** that, how could I have been so stupid" hahaha), and of course given the "unplugged" feel it sounds more relaxed; yet alanis' previously released mtv unplugged album of some of her songs back in 2000 didn't sound like this at all. Methinks it's because she's too old to do the things she used to (we've got Avril Lavigne to cover pretty much of that) and she's happy with Ryan Reynolds so there's no bitter aftertaste to the tracks.

i know we're cool

I wasn't supposed to go to this party but i suddenly found myself texting old pals and inviting them to join me last friday. Sure enough, I got to invite at least 2 to keep me company in an otherwise adolescent crowd -- or so I thought. I figured I'd stay for 2 hours tops, unless elaine would be super late (which she was, by the way).

In the midst of the surge of text messages and hi-hellos from each table, I felt the hand of a friend's mother tapping me on the shoulder and I gave her a peck on the cheek. She then went on to present her son to me who instinctively beso-ed me as well. I was surprised out of my wits to see this guy whom i lost touch with for over a year now -- and even more surprised at myself for acting so normally ("normally" being friendly). All of a sudden it was 2002 again, when work was good and we led our lives smoothly albeit separately; when there was nothing (or no one for that matter) that stopped us from being such close friends.

After a bottle of san mig strong ice we were picking up where we left off, had a few laughs, and it was good. When the party ended I didn't feel the need to spend more time undoing knots or delving into the dangerous questions. I bet he may have forgotten that friday night as early as yesterday (and I guess after a while I will have too), but for now, I'm just relieved. I wouldn't mind at all if we never get this chance again. Basta hindi kami galit sa isa't-isa, ok na yun sa akin.

I guess what I'm driving at is, well, if i may quote him, closure is overrated. Time apart really does something good to people whose personal spaces may have unwillingly overlapped. I find it such a fantastic thing that God allows us to forget to make way for new memories to remember.

Thanks.

though it doesn't beat, it's breaking

If I touch a burning candle I can feel the pain.

If you cut me with a knife it’s still the same.

And I know her heart is beating and I know I am dead.

And the pain here that I feel
Try and tell me it's not real
And it seems I still have a tear to shed.

If I touch a burning candle I can feel no pain.

In the ice or in the sun its all the same
Yet I feel my heart is aching. Though it doesn’t beat, it’s breaking.

And the pain here that I feel
Try and tell me it's not real
I know that I am dead –yet it seems that I still have some tears to shed

-- Tears To Shed, from the film Corpse Bride

I don't usually quote lyrics as inline text but this one was tough to find...wala sa official site! I got it from another blog when i googled the first line.

talo na niya ang my best friend's wedding sa mga movies na gusto kong ulit-ulitin.

panalo siya. 'nuff said.

lutong makaw ito!

ayoko na nga. ngayon ko na nga lang pinakitang gusto kong manood nito tapos ganito pa!

you know reality tv isn't reality when too many twists happen in one week...then again i had a feeling the execs of that tv network always had a say on any show's fate and a reality-themed game show was definitely not exempt from that -- especially one that threatened to steal the rival network's top spot in viewership.

ako pa naman believer sa conspiracy theories -- mapa-gobyerno o showbiz o kahit economical stability (case in point: BSP is such a great juggler in terms of keeping the peso from plummetting too fast given the fact that both the national and global markets are shaky). pati ba naman sa bahay ni kuya hindi kami pagbibigyan?

unfair. bob should protest against being forcibly evicted from the house. go bob!

at least ngayon nawalan na ako ng interes dyan at makakabalik na ako sa panonood kay richard gutierrez. haay. cheap ko noh? :)

a franzen-jason moment at home

had a very relaxing time yesterday and the whole day today...i did nothing but eat, sleep and watch tv peppered with short phone conversations with p. i haven't done nothing for the longest time, and it felt so good it almost had the same effect as a 3-hour massage. di pa ko gumastos. panalo!

my sister and i had such a good laugh last night when we took each other's phones and started playing each other's alarm clock tunes! it's really freaky when you hear the tone in the middle of the night, kahit alam mo namang gabi pa at wala kang pasok the next day it still has the same irritating effect! actually parang kakabahan ka pa na titingin ka sa clock mo just to make sure it really isn't the dreaded weekday morning! try it once. nakakatawa talaga!

oh, such reveries

what is your song of the moment?

ako yung nasa title ko. gawa na rin siguro nung nangyari sa akin a few days back -- pero dumikit siya sa utak ko hanggang ngayon (this blog entry has been drastically edited for weeks), and i can't really get it off my head until this post is finally published.

don't you wish sometimes that things that happened before never happened? or have you wished for something to happen so hard that it came true (or at least you remembered it did)?

ay, ewan. i'm in a very vanilla sky moment now.

it's mighty quiet here now that you're gone...

I wasn't exactly hot about parties and reunions at our house when I was a kid and even as I grew older. What I hated about them, though, was the empty feeling that slowly sinks in when you're making your quick besos while saying goodbye and accompanying the last guests to the door and cleaning up after them.

The same loneliness grips me when the boyfriend starts the 'bye after hanging out at home. All of a sudden I'd get some divine inspiration and think about something insanely interesting to talk about and we'd realise we don't have time to talk anymore and it's so frustrating. I'd say, "tapos na yung party", and the mood really gets sullen and it's difficult for him to leave without a heavy heart. He'd call me once he gets home to catch up on that but it's not the same anymore -- much like melted ice cream that you put back in the freezer to ice up.

Last night, I and a few Soulsearch friends were at GP's till a bit before lunch today for his last weekend in the Philippines before leaving for the US tomorrow. I wasn't that reluctant to leave because we stayed up till 3am watching Shutter on dvd, then got up at 930 am for brunch and watched a ho-hum Queen(the Freddie Mercury band)-inspired six-part symphony also on dvd (i swear, we all were excited to listen to it at first but it was so damn kakaantok hehe pasosyal) and Joy and I were more than eager to catch some more winks at home before the racket of another set of visitors packing and leaving began.

A few hours after, this afternoon, my cousin, her husband and their adorable 16-month-old son left for Australia after visiting and staying at our place for almost 3 weeks. I actually waited for this day to come because it meant I'll be getting my room back and hopefully there wouldn't be any bugs on my bed. But I've slept in my own bed for 4 hours since they've gone, finally had the chance to logon and the sigh I'm heaving isn't of relief.

Tapos na kasi yung party e.

I never really got over that feeling. Maybe the oldies were right when they told us kids not to be too happy lest we want to be so sad soon after. (I thought they just didn't want me and my cousins laughing like a hundred mayas chirping because it annoyed them.) Maybe it's just the moon, or Mars (which I haven't seen yet pero dapat visible daw to the naked eye ngayon e kasi naman ulan nang ulan). Maybe it's separation anxiety or knowing that the break's over and you're going back to work the next day (but it's Sunday tomorrow and I hear it's a holiday on Monday).

Tracey Thorn sure got that feeling right when she sang about how Christmas Day is: it's cold and there's nothing to do (kasi nga naman tapos na ang caroling at simbang gabi at matanda na tayo masyado para mamasko pa).

Or maybe I just miss my little nephew.

just hold me close; don't patronize me...

I was reading blogs and chanced upon a discussion on heterosexual relationships in terms of the conditions which each sex role (i.e, whoever may be the "guy" or "girl" in a relationship) demands from the other which constitutes a "high maintenance" problem. (read about it here.) Dapat comment lang ito sa blog ni jowi pero humaba na at nag-error message pa kaya di ma-post so heto pinost ko na lang siya dito.

Napaisip ako sa 100%, less than 100%, at 200% levels of giving in a relationship.

I talked to my dad some months back and he told me he stopped weighing how much he loves my mom compared to how much my mom loves him. Actually, he stopped noticing anyone's level of affection altogether. Why? Because this liberated him from

• giving what's "expected" of him, and
  
• the depressing feeling that he doesn't get loved (or loved as much as he deserves) in return.

So, he simply LOVES.

Sabi niya, "lumaki na ang puso" niya enough to accept that my mom may not love him as much (or at least make him feel it), kasi pag umasa pa raw siya na papantayan yung love niya sasama lang ang loob niya at baka ikamatay pa niya. Eh 77 na siya! Hindi malayong mangyari talaga yun. Katakot diba? So, unconditional, unrequited (to some extent) and indefatigable love ang drama niya.

Hindi naman sa pa-martir effect siya (dahil malayo ang personality niya dun, I'm sure some of you know him), pero siguro ganoon na lang ka-encompassing yung love niya sa mom ko. hindi niya iniisip na wrong match sila dahil 27 years din naman sila at kung ayaw talaga nila sa isa't-isa, matagal na dapat tinapos sa sobrang daming hindi swak sa kanila. And I believe it's not just "because of the children". Basta ang importante sa tatay ko, tunay at wagas yung pag-ibig niya at hindi na siya naghihintay ng kapalit dun. *sniff*

So, for me, being unfair or selfish by not giving as much love as the other does is more of an observation based on one's perception than a fact. If you're the one who gives less, you may feel guilty but the other may not feel, uh, "offended" (for lack of a better term) but may just accept it as part of being in a relationship. In fact, the one who silently realizes s/he's getting less than what s/he deserves is the selfish one, kasi diba when you get into those things you don't really impose anything other than truth, fidelity and love which should be a given? (or "givens" kasi marami? hehehe) so dapat mamahalin ka niya despite that, at idededma mo ang guilt mo unless talagang napapaisip kang hindi mo na siya mahal at dapat naman sabihan mo siya. Pero syempre, may maaapakan kang feelings unless malaki yung puso niya. :)

Natuwa rin ako dun sa isang old entry ni Jen-C sa blog niya about unrequited love.

How (bitter)sweet.

squirrely wrath!

Was home alone the whole afternoon yesterday and decided to read email and friends' blogs while I had the room to myself. Joy and I have been nomads for the past few days since some of our balikbayan relatives came in from Australia, and it was comforting to go inside my room again and be able to logon...

After watching the numa-numa dance (both the original and the AI version), I chanced upon a skit featuring Foamy the Squirrel and I realised how much I missed this toon! Click on the subject title to select the episodes! My fave's entitled Small, Medium, Large which pokes fun at coffeeshops; then there's also the newest clip called Sacred Space...funny!

Hahahaha! defile! defile!

why i don't care much about high school reunions.

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