dissonance is a migraine.
i've been here before, on the other side, when i was doing the asking and all i got was silence. who knows why silence was the choice and not "yes", "no", or "i don't know"? i felt confused, thinking about how selfish and heartless it was to leave me hanging over a precipice.
now that i'm the one being asked, i fall silent -- not because it's a selfish choice, but because i'm trying to keep it together.
i feel i'm betraying him for not saying what needs to be said, but i'm not sure if i am completely capable of handling everything that will result from spilling the beans, because i still don't have the complete picture with me anyway, and it might be harmful to him for me to bring about urgent but incomplete news. on the other hand, i cannot reconcile being pleased to see him smiling and walking around the house while dreading a threat in his body that needs to be acknowledged immediately. yes, it does not seem life-threatening for now on the outside, but who knows what damage it may cause until it's too late?
to my siblings who would rather keep daddy in the dark, i'm sorry, but dad has the right to know what's going on. and dad will only feel betrayed if we don't let him know about it. i'm pretty sure he's beginning to wonder why it's taking so long to hear anything.
to my siblings who wanted him to know about it yesterday, i'm sorry that we all had to succumb to the false hope of keeping daddy in a happy place for a few days before we fire him up again for another blow. it was decided upon on good intentions, but not all good intentions are sound. we are weak, we are tired, we are buying time from God, and we also wanted daddy to be able to take a long, deep breath before braving another storm.
so, we'll let him in on it bit by bit in the next few days before the doctor gives the formal interpretation on saturday.
hindi maipagkakailang masasaktan siya, pero marunong naman siya magpayong sa bagyo.
at dapat, tayo rin.