Sunday, November 06, 2005

you'll never know how much you pierce my spirit

For Jowi. It still gives me the jitters when something happens to me and just when I 'm about to collect my thoughts and type them on a post, I read your blog and it's all written there.


Last Cigarette
(Hewerdine / Clark / MacColl)

The moon in the morning
Is watching the rain turn to snow
And outside my window
Sometimes the rain
Falls harder than you'll ever know
Sometimes the things that you love in the night
The morning will choose to forget
This is my last
My last cigarette
This is my last
Last cigarette

I have a habit that I have been trying to lose
Everyone thinks that they know what they want
But sometime your drug chooses you
There are some things that I've promised myself
Things that I haven't done yet
This is my last,
Last cigarette
This is my last
Last cigarette
Last cigarette

Sometimes the people we love in the night
The morning will choose to forget
This is my last,
Last cigarette
This is my last
Last cigarette
This is my last
Last cigarette

*****


Ok, that's over. But what the hell, I might as well get some other stuff out here, too. di naman lahat pareho :)

I had my share of ghosts this week after different trips to the past. The first was the ghost of Christine past, the one who dutifully prayed the Rosary (with the Litany of the Blessed Mother) every day. I used to think I had such a great obligation to humanity -- I honestly believed that the world would be fine only if I prayed the Rosary at least once a day, and that things would go wrong if I didn't. I stopped the habit in the late nineties and that's when the Asian Crisis occurred and I got into UP. kebs. i'm not blaming UP though. :)

And so it happened that my great-aunt passed away two years ago and I was tasked by the family to lead in praying the Rosary every Nov 1 at the cemetery and during Holy Thursday at the Pabasa, since I was the only one who had enough patience to memorize the Litany. Now my mother still believes I kept the habit and I never made an effort to update her lest she think I've become an atheist like those UP kids (hahaha what a joke), the reason being it's always an advantage to be looked upon as the nice pious daughter (which I believe I still am sometimes -- with much emphasis on "some") so I could be trusted by my parents and my friends' parents who use me as an alibi (wahahaha).

The trouble is every year I'm beginning to forget. My heart beats wildly at the beginning of the Apostle's Creed while I'm struggling to remember every title Mother Mary had; heck, I don't even know the Mysteries of Light! Buti nga yung ibang misteryo alam ko pa kaso ngayon magulo na kung kelan kasi kasama na sa pagbibilang ng araw yung Mysteries of Light na yan! And after the Hail Holy Queen has been prayed, I find myself staring into oblivion and reciting the Litany as if in a trance...and it didn't help that my Tita has this habit of saying "Pray for us" automatically kahit hindi pa ako tapos. panicpanicpanicpanic! Fortunately nasa long-term memory ko pa rin naman yung Litany pero feeling ko umiikli na siya kasi nakakalimutan ko na yung iba, and one of these days I'll lose it completely...and when that day comes, my mom will surely get into a "you don't pray enough" sermon -- the kind my siblings hear -- and she will be crushed. Pakiramdam kasi ng nanay ko ako lang ang nakakaintindi sa kanya at sa sense of religiosity niya...and I wouldn't want her to feel alone in her prayerful life. So, the closed Catholic child in me haunts me every time I'm asked to lead the meditation of the beads.


She followed me to the second reunion party I had with my former choirmates as we celebrated the 10 years of our parish youth council last friday. A priest friend whom I knew since his freshman year at the seminary was there (who incidentally became our assistant parish priest this year), and asked me to go back to helping the new choir develop some sort of formation and commitment he saw in me and our old group. Sabi ko hindi ko na yata magagawa yon para sa kanila; besides, they're getting better every year. I handled that choir for 8 years and I never got them to sing more than two voices; now they're downloading pieces using Noteworthy and actually learning to read notes.


It was also at this party where I encountered another ghost. Funny I never really thought he'd show up again but he did. He was there the last time (which was a feat by itself) and now he's back. With a cigarette and a plastic cup of red wine waiting for me. I didn't hesitate and I pulled him out of the group and we hung out with 2 more of our old friends for a smoke. I asked him if he missed me. Of course he said yes; he always spoke the words I wanted to hear -- only this time I was careful not to believe too much (or is it that I don't care at all if it were true or not?). Around 1am while we were still gulping beers I asked to go ahead of them (I gave my sister permission to stay as her boyfriend was there to bring her home naman). Our gracious doctor hostess led me to the gate and he trotted along to bid me goodnight with a polite beso. And so I left with a smile -- but not looking back nor waiting for a chance to be alone with him -- as I was off to a few hours of sleep before I would drive to V Luna in the morning and take P home with me.



Tuesday, November 01, 2005

time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'...

...into the future. and right back to reality! AAAHHH!!! work starts anew!

another long weekend has flown by with nothing much happening but too many things planned -- though i must say 3 unplanned events made up for it in terms of personal gratification but they aren't really worth talking about. to those planned events i failed to show up for or didn't even materialize, my apologies. (now my problem is which barkada reunion i'll be setting up or going to in the next long weekend!)

at least nakatulog rin ako for the most part of that vacation. kaso what i hate is all saints' day being at the tailend of this break and being the most tiring day at that. imagine going to 2 cemeteries, spending at least 4 hours on each (not counting travel time) which means we'll be up by 6am and reach home by 8pm. and i am still not sleeping to prepare for this day!!!!

* * * * * *

was driving with my sister to hangad practice last week and we chanced upon a remake of Seal's Crazy and I couldn't believe my ears -- it was Alanis Morissette! The one thought in my head was which cd it was available because I know all her albums bear all-original tacks (save for jagged little pill acoustic which is a 10th year tribute to her first -- and best -- album to date) and I felt soooo frustrated because it was a good cover, true to the original but still having that glen ballard drive that sounds so familiar it almost seemed like a follow-up to You Oughta Know...I know I'm blabbing too much but I'm really an alanis fan and it's my blog anyway so shut your eyes if you don't want to read on. More on Jagged Little Pill...

...
it was such a treat to have the new acoustic album of JLP and revisit the songs after a decade. At 15, I was close to emailing Alanis and telling her how her songs in the debut release of JLP have helped me during my teen years of angst and repressing improprieties...suffice to say that was probably her point in releasing those compositions to the public and I guess millions of 15-21 year-old schoolgirls had the same awakening as I.

The acoustic versions have a feel of "Been there, done that" (or is it more like "Been there, f*** that, how could I have been so stupid" hahaha), and of course given the "unplugged" feel it sounds more relaxed; yet alanis' previously released mtv unplugged album of some of her songs back in 2000 didn't sound like this at all. Methinks it's because she's too old to do the things she used to (we've got Avril Lavigne to cover pretty much of that) and she's happy with Ryan Reynolds so there's no bitter aftertaste to the tracks.