always (posing with) the bridesmaid(s)...

...but unfortunately never (with) the bride!

tama ba namang hindi pala kami nagpakuha ng pic with the bride on my digicam? :)

best wishes, sheila! and long live our barkada! :)

you'll never know how much you pierce my spirit

For Jowi. It still gives me the jitters when something happens to me and just when I 'm about to collect my thoughts and type them on a post, I read your blog and it's all written there.


Last Cigarette (Hewerdine / Clark / MacColl)

The moon in the morning
Is watching the rain turn to snow
And outside my window
Sometimes the rain
Falls harder than you'll ever know
Sometimes the things that you love in the night
The morning will choose to forget
This is my last
My last cigarette
This is my last
Last cigarette

I have a habit that I have been trying to lose
Everyone thinks that they know what they want
But sometime your drug chooses you
There are some things that I've promised myself
Things that I haven't done yet
This is my last,
Last cigarette
This is my last
Last cigarette
Last cigarette

Sometimes the people we love in the night
The morning will choose to forget
This is my last,
Last cigarette
This is my last
Last cigarette
This is my last
Last cigarette

*****

Ok, that's over. But what the hell, I might as well get some other stuff out here, too. di naman lahat pareho :)

I had my share of ghosts this week after different trips to the past. The first was the ghost of Christine past, the one who dutifully prayed the Rosary (with the Litany of the Blessed Mother) every day. I used to think I had such a great obligation to humanity -- I honestly believed that the world would be fine only if I prayed the Rosary at least once a day, and that things would go wrong if I didn't. I stopped the habit in the late nineties and that's when the Asian Crisis occurred and I got into UP. kebs. i'm not blaming UP though. :)

And so it happened that my great-aunt passed away two years ago and I was tasked by the family to lead in praying the Rosary every Nov 1 at the cemetery and during Holy Thursday at the Pabasa, since I was the only one who had enough patience to memorize the Litany. Now my mother still believes I kept the habit and I never made an effort to update her lest she think I've become an atheist like those UP kids (hahaha what a joke), the reason being it's always an advantage to be looked upon as the nice pious daughter (which I believe I still am sometimes -- with much emphasis on "some") so I could be trusted by my parents and my friends' parents who use me as an alibi (wahahaha).

The trouble is every year I'm beginning to forget. My heart beats wildly at the beginning of the Apostle's Creed while I'm struggling to remember every title Mother Mary had; heck, I don't even know the Mysteries of Light! Buti nga yung ibang misteryo alam ko pa kaso ngayon magulo na kung kelan kasi kasama na sa pagbibilang ng araw yung Mysteries of Light na yan! And after the Hail Holy Queen has been prayed, I find myself staring into oblivion and reciting the Litany as if in a trance...and it didn't help that my Tita has this habit of saying "Pray for us" automatically kahit hindi pa ako tapos. panicpanicpanicpanic! Fortunately nasa long-term memory ko pa rin naman yung Litany pero feeling ko umiikli na siya kasi nakakalimutan ko na yung iba, and one of these days I'll lose it completely...and when that day comes, my mom will surely get into a "you don't pray enough" sermon -- the kind my siblings hear -- and she will be crushed. Pakiramdam kasi ng nanay ko ako lang ang nakakaintindi sa kanya at sa sense of religiosity niya...and I wouldn't want her to feel alone in her prayerful life. So, the closed Catholic child in me haunts me every time I'm asked to lead the meditation of the beads.

She followed me to the second reunion party I had with my former choirmates as we celebrated the 10 years of our parish youth council last friday. A priest friend whom I knew since his freshman year at the seminary was there (who incidentally became our assistant parish priest this year), and asked me to go back to helping the new choir develop some sort of formation and commitment he saw in me and our old group. Sabi ko hindi ko na yata magagawa yon para sa kanila; besides, they're getting better every year. I handled that choir for 8 years and I never got them to sing more than two voices; now they're downloading pieces using Noteworthy and actually learning to read notes.

It was also at this party where I encountered another ghost. Funny I never really thought he'd show up again but he did. He was there the last time (which was a feat by itself) and now he's back. With a cigarette and a plastic cup of red wine waiting for me. I didn't hesitate and I pulled him out of the group and we hung out with 2 more of our old friends for a smoke. I asked him if he missed me. Of course he said yes; he always spoke the words I wanted to hear -- only this time I was careful not to believe too much (or is it that I don't care at all if it were true or not?). Around 1am while we were still gulping beers I asked to go ahead of them (I gave my sister permission to stay as her boyfriend was there to bring her home naman). Our gracious doctor hostess led me to the gate and he trotted along to bid me goodnight with a polite beso. And so I left with a smile -- but not looking back nor waiting for a chance to be alone with him -- as I was off to a few hours of sleep before I would drive to V Luna in the morning and take P home with me.

time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'...

...into the future. and right back to reality! AAAHHH!!! work starts anew!

another long weekend has flown by with nothing much happening but too many things planned -- though i must say 3 unplanned events made up for it in terms of personal gratification but they aren't really worth talking about. to those planned events i failed to show up for or didn't even materialize, my apologies. (now my problem is which barkada reunion i'll be setting up or going to in the next long weekend!)

at least nakatulog rin ako for the most part of that vacation. kaso what i hate is all saints' day being at the tailend of this break and being the most tiring day at that. imagine going to 2 cemeteries, spending at least 4 hours on each (not counting travel time) which means we'll be up by 6am and reach home by 8pm. and i am still not sleeping to prepare for this day!!!!

* * * * * *

was driving with my sister to hangad practice last week and we chanced upon a remake of Seal's Crazy and I couldn't believe my ears -- it was Alanis Morissette! The one thought in my head was which cd it was available because I know all her albums bear all-original tacks (save for jagged little pill acoustic which is a 10th year tribute to her first -- and best -- album to date) and I felt soooo frustrated because it was a good cover, true to the original but still having that glen ballard drive that sounds so familiar it almost seemed like a follow-up to You Oughta Know...I know I'm blabbing too much but I'm really an alanis fan and it's my blog anyway so shut your eyes if you don't want to read on. More on Jagged Little Pill...

...it was such a treat to have the new acoustic album of JLP and revisit the songs after a decade. At 15, I was close to emailing Alanis and telling her how her songs in the debut release of JLP have helped me during my teen years of angst and repressing improprieties...suffice to say that was probably her point in releasing those compositions to the public and I guess millions of 15-21 year-old schoolgirls had the same awakening as I.

The acoustic versions have a feel of "Been there, done that" (or is it more like "Been there, f*** that, how could I have been so stupid" hahaha), and of course given the "unplugged" feel it sounds more relaxed; yet alanis' previously released mtv unplugged album of some of her songs back in 2000 didn't sound like this at all. Methinks it's because she's too old to do the things she used to (we've got Avril Lavigne to cover pretty much of that) and she's happy with Ryan Reynolds so there's no bitter aftertaste to the tracks.

i know we're cool

I wasn't supposed to go to this party but i suddenly found myself texting old pals and inviting them to join me last friday. Sure enough, I got to invite at least 2 to keep me company in an otherwise adolescent crowd -- or so I thought. I figured I'd stay for 2 hours tops, unless elaine would be super late (which she was, by the way).

In the midst of the surge of text messages and hi-hellos from each table, I felt the hand of a friend's mother tapping me on the shoulder and I gave her a peck on the cheek. She then went on to present her son to me who instinctively beso-ed me as well. I was surprised out of my wits to see this guy whom i lost touch with for over a year now -- and even more surprised at myself for acting so normally ("normally" being friendly). All of a sudden it was 2002 again, when work was good and we led our lives smoothly albeit separately; when there was nothing (or no one for that matter) that stopped us from being such close friends.

After a bottle of san mig strong ice we were picking up where we left off, had a few laughs, and it was good. When the party ended I didn't feel the need to spend more time undoing knots or delving into the dangerous questions. I bet he may have forgotten that friday night as early as yesterday (and I guess after a while I will have too), but for now, I'm just relieved. I wouldn't mind at all if we never get this chance again. Basta hindi kami galit sa isa't-isa, ok na yun sa akin.

I guess what I'm driving at is, well, if i may quote him, closure is overrated. Time apart really does something good to people whose personal spaces may have unwillingly overlapped. I find it such a fantastic thing that God allows us to forget to make way for new memories to remember.

Thanks.

though it doesn't beat, it's breaking

If I touch a burning candle I can feel the pain.

If you cut me with a knife it’s still the same.

And I know her heart is beating and I know I am dead.

And the pain here that I feel
Try and tell me it's not real
And it seems I still have a tear to shed.

If I touch a burning candle I can feel no pain.

In the ice or in the sun its all the same
Yet I feel my heart is aching. Though it doesn’t beat, it’s breaking.

And the pain here that I feel
Try and tell me it's not real
I know that I am dead –yet it seems that I still have some tears to shed

-- Tears To Shed, from the film Corpse Bride

I don't usually quote lyrics as inline text but this one was tough to find...wala sa official site! I got it from another blog when i googled the first line.

talo na niya ang my best friend's wedding sa mga movies na gusto kong ulit-ulitin.

panalo siya. 'nuff said.

lutong makaw ito!

ayoko na nga. ngayon ko na nga lang pinakitang gusto kong manood nito tapos ganito pa!

you know reality tv isn't reality when too many twists happen in one week...then again i had a feeling the execs of that tv network always had a say on any show's fate and a reality-themed game show was definitely not exempt from that -- especially one that threatened to steal the rival network's top spot in viewership.

ako pa naman believer sa conspiracy theories -- mapa-gobyerno o showbiz o kahit economical stability (case in point: BSP is such a great juggler in terms of keeping the peso from plummetting too fast given the fact that both the national and global markets are shaky). pati ba naman sa bahay ni kuya hindi kami pagbibigyan?

unfair. bob should protest against being forcibly evicted from the house. go bob!

at least ngayon nawalan na ako ng interes dyan at makakabalik na ako sa panonood kay richard gutierrez. haay. cheap ko noh? :)

a franzen-jason moment at home

had a very relaxing time yesterday and the whole day today...i did nothing but eat, sleep and watch tv peppered with short phone conversations with p. i haven't done nothing for the longest time, and it felt so good it almost had the same effect as a 3-hour massage. di pa ko gumastos. panalo!

my sister and i had such a good laugh last night when we took each other's phones and started playing each other's alarm clock tunes! it's really freaky when you hear the tone in the middle of the night, kahit alam mo namang gabi pa at wala kang pasok the next day it still has the same irritating effect! actually parang kakabahan ka pa na titingin ka sa clock mo just to make sure it really isn't the dreaded weekday morning! try it once. nakakatawa talaga!

oh, such reveries

what is your song of the moment?

ako yung nasa title ko. gawa na rin siguro nung nangyari sa akin a few days back -- pero dumikit siya sa utak ko hanggang ngayon (this blog entry has been drastically edited for weeks), and i can't really get it off my head until this post is finally published.

don't you wish sometimes that things that happened before never happened? or have you wished for something to happen so hard that it came true (or at least you remembered it did)?

ay, ewan. i'm in a very vanilla sky moment now.

it's mighty quiet here now that you're gone...

I wasn't exactly hot about parties and reunions at our house when I was a kid and even as I grew older. What I hated about them, though, was the empty feeling that slowly sinks in when you're making your quick besos while saying goodbye and accompanying the last guests to the door and cleaning up after them.

The same loneliness grips me when the boyfriend starts the 'bye after hanging out at home. All of a sudden I'd get some divine inspiration and think about something insanely interesting to talk about and we'd realise we don't have time to talk anymore and it's so frustrating. I'd say, "tapos na yung party", and the mood really gets sullen and it's difficult for him to leave without a heavy heart. He'd call me once he gets home to catch up on that but it's not the same anymore -- much like melted ice cream that you put back in the freezer to ice up.

Last night, I and a few Soulsearch friends were at GP's till a bit before lunch today for his last weekend in the Philippines before leaving for the US tomorrow. I wasn't that reluctant to leave because we stayed up till 3am watching Shutter on dvd, then got up at 930 am for brunch and watched a ho-hum Queen(the Freddie Mercury band)-inspired six-part symphony also on dvd (i swear, we all were excited to listen to it at first but it was so damn kakaantok hehe pasosyal) and Joy and I were more than eager to catch some more winks at home before the racket of another set of visitors packing and leaving began.

A few hours after, this afternoon, my cousin, her husband and their adorable 16-month-old son left for Australia after visiting and staying at our place for almost 3 weeks. I actually waited for this day to come because it meant I'll be getting my room back and hopefully there wouldn't be any bugs on my bed. But I've slept in my own bed for 4 hours since they've gone, finally had the chance to logon and the sigh I'm heaving isn't of relief.

Tapos na kasi yung party e.

I never really got over that feeling. Maybe the oldies were right when they told us kids not to be too happy lest we want to be so sad soon after. (I thought they just didn't want me and my cousins laughing like a hundred mayas chirping because it annoyed them.) Maybe it's just the moon, or Mars (which I haven't seen yet pero dapat visible daw to the naked eye ngayon e kasi naman ulan nang ulan). Maybe it's separation anxiety or knowing that the break's over and you're going back to work the next day (but it's Sunday tomorrow and I hear it's a holiday on Monday).

Tracey Thorn sure got that feeling right when she sang about how Christmas Day is: it's cold and there's nothing to do (kasi nga naman tapos na ang caroling at simbang gabi at matanda na tayo masyado para mamasko pa).

Or maybe I just miss my little nephew.

just hold me close; don't patronize me...

I was reading blogs and chanced upon a discussion on heterosexual relationships in terms of the conditions which each sex role (i.e, whoever may be the "guy" or "girl" in a relationship) demands from the other which constitutes a "high maintenance" problem. (read about it here.) Dapat comment lang ito sa blog ni jowi pero humaba na at nag-error message pa kaya di ma-post so heto pinost ko na lang siya dito.

Napaisip ako sa 100%, less than 100%, at 200% levels of giving in a relationship.

I talked to my dad some months back and he told me he stopped weighing how much he loves my mom compared to how much my mom loves him. Actually, he stopped noticing anyone's level of affection altogether. Why? Because this liberated him from

• giving what's "expected" of him, and
  
• the depressing feeling that he doesn't get loved (or loved as much as he deserves) in return.

So, he simply LOVES.

Sabi niya, "lumaki na ang puso" niya enough to accept that my mom may not love him as much (or at least make him feel it), kasi pag umasa pa raw siya na papantayan yung love niya sasama lang ang loob niya at baka ikamatay pa niya. Eh 77 na siya! Hindi malayong mangyari talaga yun. Katakot diba? So, unconditional, unrequited (to some extent) and indefatigable love ang drama niya.

Hindi naman sa pa-martir effect siya (dahil malayo ang personality niya dun, I'm sure some of you know him), pero siguro ganoon na lang ka-encompassing yung love niya sa mom ko. hindi niya iniisip na wrong match sila dahil 27 years din naman sila at kung ayaw talaga nila sa isa't-isa, matagal na dapat tinapos sa sobrang daming hindi swak sa kanila. And I believe it's not just "because of the children". Basta ang importante sa tatay ko, tunay at wagas yung pag-ibig niya at hindi na siya naghihintay ng kapalit dun. *sniff*

So, for me, being unfair or selfish by not giving as much love as the other does is more of an observation based on one's perception than a fact. If you're the one who gives less, you may feel guilty but the other may not feel, uh, "offended" (for lack of a better term) but may just accept it as part of being in a relationship. In fact, the one who silently realizes s/he's getting less than what s/he deserves is the selfish one, kasi diba when you get into those things you don't really impose anything other than truth, fidelity and love which should be a given? (or "givens" kasi marami? hehehe) so dapat mamahalin ka niya despite that, at idededma mo ang guilt mo unless talagang napapaisip kang hindi mo na siya mahal at dapat naman sabihan mo siya. Pero syempre, may maaapakan kang feelings unless malaki yung puso niya. :)

Natuwa rin ako dun sa isang old entry ni Jen-C sa blog niya about unrequited love.

How (bitter)sweet.

squirrely wrath!

Was home alone the whole afternoon yesterday and decided to read email and friends' blogs while I had the room to myself. Joy and I have been nomads for the past few days since some of our balikbayan relatives came in from Australia, and it was comforting to go inside my room again and be able to logon...

After watching the numa-numa dance (both the original and the AI version), I chanced upon a skit featuring Foamy the Squirrel and I realised how much I missed this toon! Click on the subject title to select the episodes! My fave's entitled Small, Medium, Large which pokes fun at coffeeshops; then there's also the newest clip called Sacred Space...funny!

Hahahaha! defile! defile!

why i don't care much about high school reunions.

Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz.

faith, trust and pixiedust

The fire has been put out and the smoke has cleared.

All that is left is the ground where a tree used to be -- a shelter from which warmth, security and contentment emanated, and was a testimony to the love of the ones who cared for it when it was but a seedling, yet it was ravaged by a forest fire that began with a small, glowing cigarette butt thrown carelessly beside it.

In despair I fell to my knees and buried my face into my hands; it's gone, there is nothing to save. I held back the tears to hide the loss from everyone else and smiled emptily each day; I wept alone in the darkest hours of night, fervently whispering to God,

let it be all right, teach us how it is to truly love.

Then, from the blackened soil sprung forth a tiny sprout of green. Someone was nurturing such a fragile plant on damaged ground. Only a prayer could keep it alive. But he came by every day to tend to it as I watched from a distance. Soon I found myself drawn to this man's resilient soul; each day I inched a step closer until I knelt next to him. I was welcomed by a familiar face. His eyes searched mine for the hope I was trying to turn away from, and I saw through them an acceptance of divine will that calmly takes the pain but still believes that what has been lost may be regained.

And so with faith and a spirit that refuses to falter, we rebuild. It may not be easy, it will take long, but it will last.

you'd kill yourself for recognition;kill yourself to never, ever stop

Why is it that females are more likely to attempt suicide but more males complete the act and die?


Perhaps the motive or the objective is different for men and women. I won't go into a sweeping generalisation; neither will I satisfy the ego of some woman who unwittingly shocked the blood out of my system by writing about her (though I think certain circumstances have fed that already). I just can't help but wonder -- why bother slashing wrists when you can hit the jugular at one go?

I just started re-reading The Unbearable LIghtness of Being and there's this part where Tereza is telling Tomas about her dreams of Sabina and how she (Tereza) is so emotionally hurt that she dreams of stabbing needles under her fingernails to transfer the pain from her heart to her body. Tomas hears her out and takes her hands and kisses the tips of her fingers gingerly as though they have indeed felt the prick of the needles.

Oh, how women love physical drama. We'd cut our hair, starve ourselves thin, suffocate ourselves in corsets and get varicose veins from wearing stilettos to feel worthy of the praise the world endows on the beautiful, lucky ones. We'd break dinner plates, slit our wrists and kill fetuses to put that excalamation point in an otherwise unaccented conversation that means more than it sounds.

Maybe I'm just angry. Perhaps I'm just frustrated that the one thing I was proud of having melted like a black, disfigured plastic cup in a convection oven and appeared unfamiliar, even disgusting.

And so it is...

we're all so strong when nothing's wrong

Jc, a friend from Hangad, recently had his long locks chopped and got overboard reactions from people who expected him perhaps to give them a profound explanation for the drastic change in hairstyle. To the questions and lamentations he replied, "Mainit kasi," or "Di bale, hahaba rin naman ito eh."

I told him it was different for girls, most of whom I know have trimmed their tresses for a dramatic and tangible symbol of self-renewal, such as surviving a recent breakup.

a few days ago, I got a haircut myself.

Jim and Della

I just recovered from an hour-long flood of tears and sobs due to economic troubles right within the confines of my own home. The cries of political protest along Katipunan and Taft Avenues seem to have been drowned out by my own financial woes. I just realised I can't live within my present standards of living.

I'm decently compensated by my present company in terms of salary level; I do get commissions every now and then; my dollar account is ripe for peso conversion (with the current rate, i'm close to getting 500 bucks on top of the purchase price); and I barely reach a third of my credit cards' limit every month (which I dutifully pay in full on the due date).

However, I'm also paying for a 7-year car loan which cuts my salary in half every payday; the same car I use everyday and gas up for once a week; I'm contributing a considerable amount for my parents to use for household expenses since they've both retired from regular employment; I'm paying for our cable subscription that sucks; and I'm probably the only kid in this house who could manage to treat the family out for dinner when they feel like it (and believe me, this family loves to eat -- and eat in style).

I used to think that if I didn't have much money I'd probably lose weight. Alas, I've gained more pounds by eating house food, losing the budget for weekly badminton games, and due to stress. Add to that my recent health breakdown which resulted in buying PHP2k worth of prescription antibiotics when all I had to do was just to lie in bed for 2 days and drink a lot of water to combat the fever and colds (I waited in the outpatient clinic for 4 hours just because the clerks at the ER told me I wasn't an emergency case -- yeah, like having a 41-degree fever is nothing to be alarmed about).

I don't want to think anymore about how much I used to make at my old job which required tons of paid overtime work; that's history and I'm glad to be with the people I work with right now. I just hate realising that I can't even go to Jollibee anymore to buy myself a 1-piece chickenjoy meal because it's too expensive. My resources are not as liquid as I'd like them to be, and my salary just goes from my personal account to the loans, bills and other obligations I have to settle, leaving me with less than a Ninoy to live off the next two weeks until another pseudo payday comes. Heck, I even had to force myself to get a haircut (the subtlety of which does not reflect its monetary value), when I used to love to go to the salon and have my hair styled while getting a pedicure-manicure. And the final blow may just be the reluctant decision to sell my beautiful Korg Trinity...

P told me he was scared of how I've enslaved myself in a "live-for-the-moment" lifestyle. Sana kasi kung yung objective ng "live-for-the moment" was carpe diem; but no, it's more of isang kahig, isang tuka. I feel guilty whenever I think about spending for myself, but I also make my family feel miserable when I rant about not having money while I faithfully credit funds into my dad's account. P warned me about this no-win situation wherein nobody's happy because both parties lose the pleasure of giving and receiving when you know there's not much to go around. We may as well be like the James Dillingham Youngs who bittersweetly discovered how one would go to extreme lengths to please the other one poignant Christmas evening.

Oh, well. Tomorrow I will earn my living once more, and my hair still grows. White.

By the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone

I've often mentioned (and pondered upon in silence) that there are ties that have to be broken in order for someone to grow and move on. You may as well know I've had my share of these -- some of which died a natural death, with a few that entailed a lot of painful effort to let go of. Still I struggled and eventually accepted the fact that the world does not revolve around me, and life goes on and even gets better.

But every once in a while scenes play in my idle mind, of days shared with those friends I have left behind. As I close my eyes I find myself immersed in those moments...all of a sudden I'm back there awkwardly playing basketball in the high school court with her, I'm hearing his nervous voice over the phone at 10AM saying "good evening", she's holding my hand at the bleachers telling me "no goodbyes", he does an Amelie and I'm stunned and there's no time to react adversely as I look into his lovely eyes as he leaves without a word, and I laugh when he stops his car in the middle of the road and looks at me as though he's caught with his pants down.

These five episodes I remember most, and I can't help but miss, because I know they have all gone. Not that I'm lonely, which I'm far from being; and not that they can't be contacted (as a matter of fact they're pretty much still around my social circle) -- it's the indifference in reality that sometimes stumps me.

Lately I've gotten in touch with two of them on separate occasions, and, well, it feels strange to find that they want to make up for lost time; honestly, I don't know if I want to, too. Last time I tried that I just blabbed nonstop and felt like I was talking to a wall -- it just didn't seem natural to me anymore, and I'm sure the other felt the same. But on the way home I remember again how it used to be, and it's such a shock for me to realise how I've managed not to feel anything anymore after all that.

After conditioning one's self to breaking ties and moving on, how does one entertain a sincere invitation to renewal? Is it right to say, "I'm sorry, I wish I could, but I can't"?

now if only the name came with the body...

Your Sexy Brazilian Name Is

Tâmira Otelo

What's Your Sexy Brazilian Name?

when nothing else remains, love letters become paper planes

Boo Hewerdine.

He formed the band The Bible in the 80s which released a minor hit, "Honey Be Good" (lyrics you can scroll from here) from its second album Eureka. I chanced upon an acoustic version of that song on NU a few nights ago and it really caught on. Unfortunately Boo's website only has the old band version which I didn't like as much as the pure acoustic guitar one.

Incidentally, he also wrote "Patience of Angels" for Eddi Reader in 1992.

Listen to his poignant "Paper Planes" here.

sigh. these nerds. i gotta meet them at least once in this lifetime.

hmm. who needs a STARE? =)

Thug Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla