let the pain bring on the rain.

dissonance is a migraine.

i've been here before, on the other side, when i was doing the asking and all i got was silence. who knows why silence was the choice and not "yes", "no", or "i don't know"? i felt confused, thinking about how selfish and heartless it was to leave me hanging over a precipice.

now that i'm the one being asked, i fall silent -- not because it's a selfish choice, but because i'm trying to keep it together.

i feel i'm betraying him for not saying what needs to be said, but i'm not sure if i am completely capable of handling everything that will result from spilling the beans, because i still don't have the complete picture with me anyway, and it might be harmful to him for me to bring about urgent but incomplete news. on the other hand, i cannot reconcile being pleased to see him smiling and walking around the house while dreading a threat in his body that needs to be acknowledged immediately. yes, it does not seem life-threatening for now on the outside, but who knows what damage it may cause until it's too late?

to my siblings who would rather keep daddy in the dark, i'm sorry, but dad has the right to know what's going on. and dad will only feel betrayed if we don't let him know about it. i'm pretty sure he's beginning to wonder why it's taking so long to hear anything.

to my siblings who wanted him to know about it yesterday, i'm sorry that we all had to succumb to the false hope of keeping daddy in a happy place for a few days before we fire him up again for another blow. it was decided upon on good intentions, but not all good intentions are sound. we are weak, we are tired, we are buying time from God, and we also wanted daddy to be able to take a long, deep breath before braving another storm.

so, we'll let him in on it bit by bit in the next few days before the doctor gives the formal interpretation on saturday.

hindi maipagkakailang masasaktan siya, pero marunong naman siya magpayong sa bagyo.
at dapat, tayo rin.

a few more winks, Daddy. promise :)

Dad's still at the hospital. His endoscopy results show something that isn't too good. We have a CT scan scheduled tomorrow to rule out anything else other than the lump in his intestine that is still not sure to be benign. Dad doesn't know it yet but we will break the news once we also get the CT scan results. He was actually in high spirits today, thinking that the endoscopy is only a "formality" and that he will be going home soon. Unfortunately, he will be on extended stay again until all procedures are done..

I ask for you all to pray for God's grace to enter Daddy's heart; he has been depressed by the complications of his operation and his weak muscles. He wants to drive to Trinoma and watch movies with us already, and is saddened with every dizzy spell or miscalculated step whenever he tries to walk on his own. He also told us prior to the endoscopy that should there be a need for another procedure, he would firmly not allow it because he feels his body has been examined, probed, sawed and poked at more enough times already.

Thanks again for the support! Malakas kasi kayo kay God kaya sa inyo kami muling lumalapit para malampasan natin ulit ito :)

stop and stare, i think i'm moving but i go nowhere

"Bakit ganito ang buhay ko ngayon?", my father asked me today as he looked at me from his bed as he lay shivering, his sad eyes wanting to hide under the blanket.

"It takes time, Dad. Matatapos din ito," I said, firmly believing that my optimism will rub off on him and get his body back on track.

Dad is confined at the hospital yet again tonight. We rushed him to the Heart Center's ER when we noticed he was pale, unable to eat and too weak to stand up on his own. Preliminary findings include high blood sugar levels and low hemoglobin count. CBC, CT scan and X-ray results are to be released this morning. From the looks of it, a blood transfusion will be necessary.

I ask you again, dear friends and family, to pray for his recovery. We'll win this fight once and for all!

sumapat kaya ang mula pagsikat hanggang paglubog ng araw?

"kung nagmamahal ka, pero hindi mo naman kasama araw-araw, at di ka rin sigurado kung babalikan ka, ano'ng tawag doon?"

"nagmamahal. kasi ang nagmamahal, nagtitiwala."

---- Celeste and Ploning, from the film Ploning by Dante Nico Garcia


I'm not sure if it helped me to watch this film, but it sure didn't feel like picking on old wounds. It actually recalled memories of Culion (never mind if the movie was shot in Cuyo, Palawan).

It's the Pinoy movie you should watch if you're deciding which of those showing now stands a chance against Iron Man.

(and, no, it does not compare AT ALL to Batanes, which should have just been a travelogue without the horrible script and equally horrible acting.)

Tapos, pakwento naman ng first five minutes, haha ;)

got me out here in the water so deep

haaay.

i went to the mall this afternoon to buy some stuff for me and the house.

i forgot to pay my mobile phone bill, which was the primary reason why i chose to go to a mall instead of the grocery store.

i tripped on the escalator -- which was not working -- because i had too many bags, and both my knees are a bit sore. i hope i don't get bruises kundi goodbye to the badminton skirt i'm supposed to wear for a weekend game.

to cap it off, i left one of my shopping bags in the dressing room where i fit that blasted skirt, discovering this only at around 10pm this evening.

'yan yata ang napapala ng hindi pagkain ng kanin.

wish i also had another pair of hands.

...